What now?
So I'm graduating soon, and I should be unbelievably happy about it, but I'm not anymore. Why? Because it means I'm going back to live with my family overseas. It sucks because I finally started feeling like I belong. I have a real friend for the first time in my life. I am happy with who I am, yes I might have swings of pain and self-hatred every once in a while, but they're NOTHING compared to what it used to be. I finally actually like my life, and now I'm going to lose it all. My dad said that he would give me until graduation to find a job, doesn't necessarily have to be high paying or anything, it has to be in my field though. I thought that would be easy. It's not. In the HR field it's extremely unlikely to hire someone with no experience in Canada, and I have none. So now, my dad wants me to go back and live at home, so that he can use his connections over there to get me a job. But I don't want that. Yeah maybe it would be better for me not to be living alone with all my health issues, but everything else I see as a negative.
I'm probably going to lose the only real friend I've ever had. I'm gonna be living at 'home', although to me it's anything but since I haven't lived with my family since I was 14 or 15! And what if the job my dad finds for me isn't a good job, what if it sucks, then I'm going to feel like shit even more, because right now the only thing that might make me okay with this if it's going to at least get my career started. If I'm going there and end up doing some sales call fucked up job, I'd rather stay here making minimum wage and keep my life here, where I feel home, where I have a couple friends, where I feel okay with myself.
It's all making me go crazy. It all hurts. Knowing I'm leaving makes me want to push my friend away because it's going to be hell leaving in two months with a friendship like ours. But at the same time I feel like I'd be crazy to lose these extra two months of friendship. At this point I don't know what's more difficult, having never had a real friend, or having one for a while and losing her. I never thought this would actually be this painful to let go of a friendship.
I'm probably going to lose the only real friend I've ever had. I'm gonna be living at 'home', although to me it's anything but since I haven't lived with my family since I was 14 or 15! And what if the job my dad finds for me isn't a good job, what if it sucks, then I'm going to feel like shit even more, because right now the only thing that might make me okay with this if it's going to at least get my career started. If I'm going there and end up doing some sales call fucked up job, I'd rather stay here making minimum wage and keep my life here, where I feel home, where I have a couple friends, where I feel okay with myself.
It's all making me go crazy. It all hurts. Knowing I'm leaving makes me want to push my friend away because it's going to be hell leaving in two months with a friendship like ours. But at the same time I feel like I'd be crazy to lose these extra two months of friendship. At this point I don't know what's more difficult, having never had a real friend, or having one for a while and losing her. I never thought this would actually be this painful to let go of a friendship.
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