My last entry I talked about how I have finally found a friend, someone i trust, someone who has really been there for me. And it's true I do. But why do I still get the feeling of being alone? Why is it that although I know I can trust her and I know that I can practically tell her anything, but for some reason I can't go through with it. I mean we've been through the stupidest most embarrassing moments together so I don't think it has to do with being embarrassed or not trusting her. I want to tell her everything in my head because I want her to help me. I know I'm not okay. Having epilepsy seizures and anxiety attacks and having my doctor tell me I shouldn't be alone and all that. I mean it's all so much. Then on top of that a few nights I was feeling down and I did another stupid thing... I had an entire bottle of Vodka then messaged a guy I basically had a one night stand with back in September -it was the night of my birthday, my friends and I were partying and I met him at the university pub. I was drunk and he came home with me and two of my friends. My friends crashed inside but me and this guy were making out and shit and kept going... I'm a virgin and until that night I had only seen a guy naked once -and it was an accident- but that night we did a lot of things at least for me we did... I did things with a total stranger, and there was so much going on I don't even remember the whole night, but I do remember that afterwards I spent 3 months convinced that I was somehow pregnant -though there was never any penetration. Just my stupid, crazy paranoid self and shit. LOL.
Anyway so I'm drinking and I message this guy and he comes over and shit and it's a repeat of last time. It's so crazy because I can't believe what was happening and then when we were done and just laying in bed I started having a panic attack, I was like oh my God what am I doing. And I freaked out so much. And afterwards I was like you have to go and all that. Of course this freaked the guy out and when he left he sent me a text and was like I'm guessing we shouldn't have hung out today what happened in the end was a total turn off. So I was like yea sorry this was a mistake I should have never called you and so on. The thing is at first, I tried to convince myself I had done that because I was drunk and that I just wasn't thinking clearly, but as I think about -which I have been since it happened Wednesday- logically I know that I was not drunk. Tipsy yes, but drunk no. Not this time. I clearly remember everything from that night, and I was thinking oh I gotta be careful, I don't want him cumin on me like last time so I don't get paranoind again and keep thinking I'm pregnant, so I had him cum off me. I know stupid and ridicuolous but I'm begining to accept it, I'm weird and paranoid. But what I don't get is why I did it. I knew that I shouldn't have called him, or had a drink of any kind because I'm not supposed to be mixing alcohol with my meds, especially since I've added new meds for anxiety and shit.
The point is, I just wish I could figure out why I do this kid of thing. Why do I tend to do things I know I will regret. Things I know I will be paranoid about right after they happen. And I think that's why I can't talk to my friend about this stuff, because I don't know what the problem is. It scares me. And sometimes, although she's been here through everything so far, I wonder, does she still see me the same way? Does she think I'm a burden on her? I mean she's got her own shit to deal with... Should I really be spilling my shit and putting her down with my drama too? Is there a point in which she's going to say I've had enough... This is way too much?
And then on the other hand, she's been with me through so much. She's taken me to the doctor to tell him about my anxiety because I was terrified of going alone and she sat there next to me the whole time. When the doctor said I shouldn't be staying alone, she said I should stay with her for a while. So she's been there through so much, and she knows me so well. She knows about the cutting, the attempted suicide, the self-hatred issues, my anxiety, my epilepsy, she knows about my past in high school and the shit experience and just about every other aspect. And she has still stuck by me. But is there a point in which she's going to be like, "Maybe this is too much drama coming from this person. Maybe it's time to leave her ass and find some normal better friends."
If that does ever happen, I really don't know what I would do. She really has been the reason I even have some good moments. She's the only person that I have ever considered a true friend. Someone I trust. I just hope that all my problems, don't become the problem.
Anyway so I'm drinking and I message this guy and he comes over and shit and it's a repeat of last time. It's so crazy because I can't believe what was happening and then when we were done and just laying in bed I started having a panic attack, I was like oh my God what am I doing. And I freaked out so much. And afterwards I was like you have to go and all that. Of course this freaked the guy out and when he left he sent me a text and was like I'm guessing we shouldn't have hung out today what happened in the end was a total turn off. So I was like yea sorry this was a mistake I should have never called you and so on. The thing is at first, I tried to convince myself I had done that because I was drunk and that I just wasn't thinking clearly, but as I think about -which I have been since it happened Wednesday- logically I know that I was not drunk. Tipsy yes, but drunk no. Not this time. I clearly remember everything from that night, and I was thinking oh I gotta be careful, I don't want him cumin on me like last time so I don't get paranoind again and keep thinking I'm pregnant, so I had him cum off me. I know stupid and ridicuolous but I'm begining to accept it, I'm weird and paranoid. But what I don't get is why I did it. I knew that I shouldn't have called him, or had a drink of any kind because I'm not supposed to be mixing alcohol with my meds, especially since I've added new meds for anxiety and shit.
The point is, I just wish I could figure out why I do this kid of thing. Why do I tend to do things I know I will regret. Things I know I will be paranoid about right after they happen. And I think that's why I can't talk to my friend about this stuff, because I don't know what the problem is. It scares me. And sometimes, although she's been here through everything so far, I wonder, does she still see me the same way? Does she think I'm a burden on her? I mean she's got her own shit to deal with... Should I really be spilling my shit and putting her down with my drama too? Is there a point in which she's going to say I've had enough... This is way too much?
And then on the other hand, she's been with me through so much. She's taken me to the doctor to tell him about my anxiety because I was terrified of going alone and she sat there next to me the whole time. When the doctor said I shouldn't be staying alone, she said I should stay with her for a while. So she's been there through so much, and she knows me so well. She knows about the cutting, the attempted suicide, the self-hatred issues, my anxiety, my epilepsy, she knows about my past in high school and the shit experience and just about every other aspect. And she has still stuck by me. But is there a point in which she's going to be like, "Maybe this is too much drama coming from this person. Maybe it's time to leave her ass and find some normal better friends."
If that does ever happen, I really don't know what I would do. She really has been the reason I even have some good moments. She's the only person that I have ever considered a true friend. Someone I trust. I just hope that all my problems, don't become the problem.
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