Stuff?

So it's been a while but I've been trying to keep myself busy lately so that I don't do something stupid. I arrived "home" about 2 weeks ago and a day after my arrival my dad's aunt passed away :( The tradition where I'm from is that the family spends three days together with people coming to visit and pay their respects and so I spent three long days doing that. After that I had free time; that's when I made the final decision that I wanted to do a surgery to help me lose wieght. It's going to be really hard but I talked to my dr and he recomended it because I was gaining too much weight in little time and this surgery will also allow me to avoind becoming diabetic in the future and losing the weight will allow me to lower the medication dosages for mu epilepsy. I convinced my parents and I will do the surgery this coming Tuesday.
A few days ago the fam and I left for a family vacation. I've been trying to have as much fun as I can but I keep wanting to crawl into bed and cry I don't know why. When I got back and my parents saw how much weight I gained they knew something was going on. They even suggested I go talk to someone, of course they mean either the surgeon or s dr that will give me some pills to pop and magically cure me. Either way I lied and said I was fine. I wanted so bad to say yes I need help I'm messed up but it was like I was talking before I could process what I was saying!