When I woke up today, things were a little bit better that the past couple of weeks. I don't have classes this week (reading week) so I almost never leave the apartment, so that's not so good... But on Monday night I finally slept after over a week of no sleep, I was out for about 31 hours...
I think the reason I did was because for the first time in a very long time, I didn't feel like I was completely alone that day.
I don't let many people in, not friends, not family, no one usually, but in high school I met this guy who I became really close friends with. But I left home after graduation and he stayed. We're still in contact but mostly on Facebook, WhatsApp, and we Skype every 2-3 months cause the time difference makes it extremely difficult. But no matter how long we don't talk to each other, when we do it's as if we had talked yesterday. But typical me, I could never completely be honest with him.
On Monday we were Skyping and that was a terrible day at first because I was fighting with myself not cut again and I was on the edge of losing that fight but he helped me through it. When we were talking he noticed that something was wrong even though I was smiling and pretending like life didn't totally suck, but he could tell that I was faking it, because according to him, he knows my fake smile. Eventually I opened up to him, I told him about my being depressed, and the cutting and stuff, but as much as I wanted to tell him everything, I couldn't, I couldn't tell him how guilty I feel for causing so much trouble for my parents, I couldn't tell him how much I hated myself, I just told him that I haven't been able socialize with people, and that I have like zero confidence and that it's killing me... But then I sort of lied... I didn't mean to, but I knew if I told him that I cut recently he'd tell my parents cause he'd be too worried, so I told him that I hadn't cut since last year but that I've been really fighting the urge to do it again especially recently. If my parents know how depressed I am, they'll make me go back and stay with them so they can "help" me, but going back is terrible. I don't mind my parents, but I can't handle my extended family, and back home family is like everything, but I can't stand them, my siblings are used to them because the met them when they were young... We used to live in another country, and didn't move until I was in the 8th grade, my oldest sibling was in the 3rd... My parents raised us as open minded, they've traveled, studied in the US, lived, but almost all of my extended family stayed within their bubble, I was just brought up differently, they're so closed minded and judgemental and I don't like them... I survived because I was only home on weekends cause I went to a semi boarding school, so I saw them on holiday events and I escaped most of those... But now I'd be home, where they'll be around all the time, that'll make me wanna kill myself!
Anyway, my family isn't the point, hearing my friend telling me that he was there for me, even after I somewhat told him how messed up I am, and hearing him tell me that he'll be there for me through anything, that felt really good. It was so good to not feel like I was completely alone... The reason I don't tell people things is 'cause I don't want them to know how messed up I am because I'm afraid they wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore... He stayed and I'm really glad he did.
I think the reason I did was because for the first time in a very long time, I didn't feel like I was completely alone that day.
I don't let many people in, not friends, not family, no one usually, but in high school I met this guy who I became really close friends with. But I left home after graduation and he stayed. We're still in contact but mostly on Facebook, WhatsApp, and we Skype every 2-3 months cause the time difference makes it extremely difficult. But no matter how long we don't talk to each other, when we do it's as if we had talked yesterday. But typical me, I could never completely be honest with him.
On Monday we were Skyping and that was a terrible day at first because I was fighting with myself not cut again and I was on the edge of losing that fight but he helped me through it. When we were talking he noticed that something was wrong even though I was smiling and pretending like life didn't totally suck, but he could tell that I was faking it, because according to him, he knows my fake smile. Eventually I opened up to him, I told him about my being depressed, and the cutting and stuff, but as much as I wanted to tell him everything, I couldn't, I couldn't tell him how guilty I feel for causing so much trouble for my parents, I couldn't tell him how much I hated myself, I just told him that I haven't been able socialize with people, and that I have like zero confidence and that it's killing me... But then I sort of lied... I didn't mean to, but I knew if I told him that I cut recently he'd tell my parents cause he'd be too worried, so I told him that I hadn't cut since last year but that I've been really fighting the urge to do it again especially recently. If my parents know how depressed I am, they'll make me go back and stay with them so they can "help" me, but going back is terrible. I don't mind my parents, but I can't handle my extended family, and back home family is like everything, but I can't stand them, my siblings are used to them because the met them when they were young... We used to live in another country, and didn't move until I was in the 8th grade, my oldest sibling was in the 3rd... My parents raised us as open minded, they've traveled, studied in the US, lived, but almost all of my extended family stayed within their bubble, I was just brought up differently, they're so closed minded and judgemental and I don't like them... I survived because I was only home on weekends cause I went to a semi boarding school, so I saw them on holiday events and I escaped most of those... But now I'd be home, where they'll be around all the time, that'll make me wanna kill myself!
Anyway, my family isn't the point, hearing my friend telling me that he was there for me, even after I somewhat told him how messed up I am, and hearing him tell me that he'll be there for me through anything, that felt really good. It was so good to not feel like I was completely alone... The reason I don't tell people things is 'cause I don't want them to know how messed up I am because I'm afraid they wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore... He stayed and I'm really glad he did.
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