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I am extremely depressed today for the first time in a long while. I haven't felt this depressed since December when I went cuckoo for cocoa puffs and had to be taken home to MA. The difference between now and then is that I'm thinking about the consequences of my actions and I know that if I act on the impulses that I'm feeling that the consequences will not be good.
Matt has gone off to Canada with some friends of his for a Bachelorette party. I'm furious about this and I'm not entirely sure why. I wish he hasn't told me about it. I'm mad because I don't like it when Matt goes to places he's never been before without me. Not only that, but they're going to Montreal and I've never been there myself. I haven't gone to Vegas yet because Matt has never been and I'd feel guilty about going without him.
The worst thing is that I can't tell him because if I tell him then he's just going to accuse me of being hurtful or spiteful or whatever so I just have to be hurt by this and hold it in. I'm just being silly anyhow because really what reason is there to be upset?
I guess the other reason that I'm upset by it is that I don't trust him. Though honestly he has given me very little reason to not trust him. I think it's my low self image. It's also the fact that I know what I've done. I know how I've behaved in similar situations when I've been away and, we're separated, why shouldn't he behave the same way? Why shouldn't he be with other guys? He's out of town, he'll never see them again what's to stop him from hooking up? He is not beholden to me right now so I doubt that the thought of me is going to stop him - especially if he is drinking which I'm sure he will be.
I can't do this anymore. I need to ask for a divorce and I need to cut him out of my life forever. I have to cut him out of my heart and just freeze it. I don't think I can handle being in a relationship with anyone. There are lot's of people who live their lives without being in relationships and are perfectly happy. I will just learn to be one of those people. It's much safer that way. I can still adopt a child and just be a single parent.
It will hurt because I do love him. I love him very much. I just don't know how to deal with these other feelings I have. It's not fair to subject him to this.
I don't know whats real. I need to let this all pass and see what remains. I'm very depressed. I wish he cared.
Matt has gone off to Canada with some friends of his for a Bachelorette party. I'm furious about this and I'm not entirely sure why. I wish he hasn't told me about it. I'm mad because I don't like it when Matt goes to places he's never been before without me. Not only that, but they're going to Montreal and I've never been there myself. I haven't gone to Vegas yet because Matt has never been and I'd feel guilty about going without him.
The worst thing is that I can't tell him because if I tell him then he's just going to accuse me of being hurtful or spiteful or whatever so I just have to be hurt by this and hold it in. I'm just being silly anyhow because really what reason is there to be upset?
I guess the other reason that I'm upset by it is that I don't trust him. Though honestly he has given me very little reason to not trust him. I think it's my low self image. It's also the fact that I know what I've done. I know how I've behaved in similar situations when I've been away and, we're separated, why shouldn't he behave the same way? Why shouldn't he be with other guys? He's out of town, he'll never see them again what's to stop him from hooking up? He is not beholden to me right now so I doubt that the thought of me is going to stop him - especially if he is drinking which I'm sure he will be.
I can't do this anymore. I need to ask for a divorce and I need to cut him out of my life forever. I have to cut him out of my heart and just freeze it. I don't think I can handle being in a relationship with anyone. There are lot's of people who live their lives without being in relationships and are perfectly happy. I will just learn to be one of those people. It's much safer that way. I can still adopt a child and just be a single parent.
It will hurt because I do love him. I love him very much. I just don't know how to deal with these other feelings I have. It's not fair to subject him to this.
I don't know whats real. I need to let this all pass and see what remains. I'm very depressed. I wish he cared.
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