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The loneliness is starting to get to me. I left Vicki's on Monday morning and I've been alone with the dog at Charlie's ever since. I've only left the apartment to take Toby out for a walk. Tomorrow is Thursday. I spoke to my mom on the phone for a little bit on Tuesday but that's the only real contact I've had with the outside world. I was supposed to hang out with friends on three different days this week but it didn't work out.
I'd really like to get a hair cut but I'm trying to save my money. I mean, if I'm going to get it anyhow I should just go and get it tomorrow. I guess it's a part of my obsessive compulsiveness. See, every day I count the money in the bank, and I divide that number by the days left until I know I will receive my next pay, plus one. That is how much money I am allowed to spend each day. Anything that I don't spend obviously gets rolled over to the next day. I haven't spent any money since Monday though. That's two days without spending any money.
It's going to cost about $20 to get my hair cut possibly a little bit more. I'm trying to wait until I can spend about $25 per day. Of course that will leave me not getting a hair cut until some time next week and not spending any money in the meantime. That just isn't practical. As long as I make sure that I have enough for the things that I need until next Friday the 6th I should be fine to get my hair cut.
Matt still has not sent me a formal response to the email that I sent him. I'm not sure if he is ever going to. It's probably as I suspected, now that time has gone by he just doesn't know how to respond or he keeps thinking he'll do it later and then never does. He texted me on Monday night to check where I was before the storm. He texted me on Tuesday to let me know that he'd called to schedule an intake appointment at a counseling center.
This is significant because the main thing that I said in the email I wrote him was that him seeing an individual therapist was the next step, in my opinion, on our pathway back to each other. I have spent the past two months nearly now doing nothing but show him that I am committed to doing whatever it takes to make our marriage work. I have shown him through my deeds that I want him back. He has to do something to show me that he wants me back. I said a lot of things in the email I sent him, and I think that him finally starting the journey of individual therapy is his way of answering me. It's probably the best I'm going to get on the subject.
I have not heard from him since then. We have not spoken now in a week. Tonight I'm very angry. Tonight I'm feeling like I don't want to stay married. Tonight I'm feeling like I want to head back to Long Island and file for divorce and serve him with papers and see how he likes it. Tonight I'm feeling like I just want to cut him out of my life and my heart and just burn the bridge and never look back.
I'm mostly sure that this is my anger talking. I'm hurt that he doesn't want to speak to me. I'm angry that he can't accept any culpability for our problems. I'm angry that he keeps making me out to be the villain. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not the hero. I acted recklessly, especially early on in our relationship when there was truthfully no excuse for it. For the first year or so that we were together I was a dog and there is no two ways about it.
I can't blame anyone but myself for what I did.
I'd really like to get a hair cut but I'm trying to save my money. I mean, if I'm going to get it anyhow I should just go and get it tomorrow. I guess it's a part of my obsessive compulsiveness. See, every day I count the money in the bank, and I divide that number by the days left until I know I will receive my next pay, plus one. That is how much money I am allowed to spend each day. Anything that I don't spend obviously gets rolled over to the next day. I haven't spent any money since Monday though. That's two days without spending any money.
It's going to cost about $20 to get my hair cut possibly a little bit more. I'm trying to wait until I can spend about $25 per day. Of course that will leave me not getting a hair cut until some time next week and not spending any money in the meantime. That just isn't practical. As long as I make sure that I have enough for the things that I need until next Friday the 6th I should be fine to get my hair cut.
Matt still has not sent me a formal response to the email that I sent him. I'm not sure if he is ever going to. It's probably as I suspected, now that time has gone by he just doesn't know how to respond or he keeps thinking he'll do it later and then never does. He texted me on Monday night to check where I was before the storm. He texted me on Tuesday to let me know that he'd called to schedule an intake appointment at a counseling center.
This is significant because the main thing that I said in the email I wrote him was that him seeing an individual therapist was the next step, in my opinion, on our pathway back to each other. I have spent the past two months nearly now doing nothing but show him that I am committed to doing whatever it takes to make our marriage work. I have shown him through my deeds that I want him back. He has to do something to show me that he wants me back. I said a lot of things in the email I sent him, and I think that him finally starting the journey of individual therapy is his way of answering me. It's probably the best I'm going to get on the subject.
I have not heard from him since then. We have not spoken now in a week. Tonight I'm very angry. Tonight I'm feeling like I don't want to stay married. Tonight I'm feeling like I want to head back to Long Island and file for divorce and serve him with papers and see how he likes it. Tonight I'm feeling like I just want to cut him out of my life and my heart and just burn the bridge and never look back.
I'm mostly sure that this is my anger talking. I'm hurt that he doesn't want to speak to me. I'm angry that he can't accept any culpability for our problems. I'm angry that he keeps making me out to be the villain. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not the hero. I acted recklessly, especially early on in our relationship when there was truthfully no excuse for it. For the first year or so that we were together I was a dog and there is no two ways about it.
I can't blame anyone but myself for what I did.
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