Angry

I am so angry right now I can't even speak. It's partly my own fault because I did something that I shouldn't do.
Today is the third day in a row that I have not heard from Matt. It was not a great day. I was basically just sitting at home by myself all day which gives me plenty of time to make up stories in my head about what is going on.
I started snooping around in Matt's email. I found an outlook address that he created for himself. I'm not sure when he created it. I know that he emailed himself a picture sometime in early October. He's also been on Skype again.
This makes me so jealous. I'm fuming with anger. This is the part that I have never ever understood about him. He never makes a move for me but he can go online and jerk off on webcam with other guys. Even years ago before all the cheating and infidelity on my part - he never wanted to make a move for me but he could chat with other guys on website and send dirty pictures and do all kinds of stuff with them.
I'm just sick to death of it all. He is such a hypocrite. He probably justifies it all in his mind because it's not physical. He doesn't actually do anything with these guys he meets online. It's strictly web based only. The thing is that I am left alone in the cold while he is doing all of this.
He claims to be so damn honest. He lies to me constantly. I can't trust anything that he says. I mean, I'm no prince. I've lied. I certainly have lied. But for the most part when I've been confronted with the truth and asked directly what was going on I've confessed to my crimes. He just continues to lie.
He is so angry with me for what I've done to him. He has been just as faithless to me just in a different way. They say you shouldn't go looking for trouble because you're bound to find it and they are correct. I should not have gone snooping in his email. It's really none of my business. Now, of course, I'm going to be obsessed with figuring out a way to hack into that Hotmail account see what is inside of it.
If I confront him about it he'll probably either just deny it, be mad at me for snooping around in his gmail account, or it'll just be the end of things. I just don't know what to do. Right now I'm consumed with rage and my first instinct is to do something that will get back at him.
I know that this is not the right thing to do. I can not act on this rage. I can't do something that will be destructive. I've got to stick with my current plan of action as far as my relationship is concerned. If we talk tomorrow I've got to tell him that we need to set up a time to meet and discuss things.
If he doesn't call me I'll have to email him. Every time we have a talk about our relationship he isn't prepared for it. I'm hoping that if he has some notice he can think about things in a more focused way, and perhaps have something prepared to say to me about how he is feeling, what he is thinking, and how he wants things to progress.
I'm not going to move back in with him unless certain conditions are met. He has to have had at least four sessions with an individual therapist. That is the first and foremost condition. The second condition is that we have to have an appointment made with a marriage counselor. The third condition is, that he has to want me. He has to be willing to give up all of his internet whores and want me.
I'm tired of being with a man who doesn't know what a great guy I am. Matt Rickmeier, for all of his faults, knew that I was a great guy. That's why he was so reluctant to give me up. He knew that he'd found someone special. I still miss him sometimes. I did care for him. I didn't love him, but he was a sweet boy for the most part.
I'm just so angry with my husband right now. I've got to just take some deep breaths. I need to watch some TV, say my prayers, and go to bed.