It's been some days since I posted last. I've just been hanging around my moms house in MA for the most part. Saturday I stayed home most of the day just watching TV but Saturday night was dinner with Grandma. I wasn't looking forward to it but it went better than I thought it would.
I love my my Grandma very much but she can be a bit abrasive at times. She wants us all to be happy, but she also wants us to be self sufficient and her idea of what successful is. This sometimes comes out in a way that seems a bit tough but she means well. I haven't really spoken to her about all that has been going on with Matt and me, and about my nervous breakdown. I thought for sure I was going to be grilled but I only ended up a bit golden brown.
Seeing my dad with Jill and the baby is still not easy for me. It's going to get harder as the baby gets older for me to hide how I feel. It's going to be a very unpopular point of view, but I don't know if I can be a part of that child's life. I mean, she's my half sister and there isn't anything that I can do about that. It's not her fault that she was born. I have not yet learned to look past all of that though.
I don't blame her. I just have no natural brotherly feelings for her. I feel guilty about not having them, but I don't have them. It's terribly of me to say it but I really don't like her mother at all. I feel guilty about that too because I should be able to forgive Jill for actions against my family. The thing about forgiveness though, is while I don't believe that it needs to be asked for to be granted - in a situation like this I think that it does.
Matt called me on Saturday night. We talked and had a decent conversation. He called me again at a little after midnight. The poor thing got jumped in the west village by a trio of thugs. He was feeling pretty bad about it. He wasn't hurt physically but I think his pride was. Matt was getting really down on himself for not fighting back more directly.
I tried to explain to him that he defended himself well. He only fought as much as was needed and then he got away. Those punks deserved a lot worse but what could he have done? It was three against one. Even if there had been a police officer right there they probably wouldn't have caught them. He was still pretty angry about it though.
Sunday is football day. I went to the movies and saw Mocking Jay part I. I thought it was really well done. I didn't read the book so I'm not sure how the adaptation was. Some people loved and others not so much. I'll read it eventually. As a movie though I thought it was fantastic.
After the movie I came back to mom and watched some TV and The Barba Streisand version of A Star is Born, which I had never seen. It's not my favorite version. In fact, it's my least favorite version. The original version I think is my favorite. I'll have to watch both the original and the Judy Garland version again to be sure though. Matt called me, but I missed the call. It must have been right before he went in for his overnight shift. I haven't heard from him since.
I have a fear gnawing at me and I don't know what to do with it. It's actually a fear that I have had for a very long time. It's some of what has fueled my past infidelities and past and present insecurities. My fear is that Matt cares for me, cares about my well being, wants me to be happy, loves me even, but is not IN love with me.
People say that at some point love becomes a choice. That the passion dies and you have to work for it. I believe that to an extent. I do believe though, that there has to be an underlying feeling of want and desire. I'm not sure when it stopped, but my husband stopped having any desire for me a long time ago.
Part of the reason I have always felt the need to have other men in my life, whether they were passing flirtations, flings, or more emotionally intimate relationships is because I have sensed for years that my husband does not want me.
This is the part of things that hurts me the most. I'm still in love with Matt. I still look at him and think that he is the most beautiful man I've ever seen. I look into his eyes and I could just look forever. I think about kissing his lips and I just melt. I know that he isn't perfect, and some of his imperfections and idiosyncrasies drive me nuts. Even still - I want him. I want him to be happy. I want to MAKE him happy. There isn't anything that I would not give up to make him happy, to protect him, or to show him that I love him.
It's not a matter of him having to give things up for me or to sacrifice. I'm sure if I told him all of this he would just accuse me of being dramatic. Lately it seems I'm incapable of disclosing how I feel without being called dramatic.
I don't necessarily deny the charge of being dramatic, but I don't know any other way to be. It's not as though I say things and think "OH this will be dramatic and theatrical". I just say what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling.
The truth is, I believe that there is a difference between loving someone, and being IN love with them. I both love Matt, and am still desperately IN love with him. I think that he believes in a difference too. I'm not sure if he knows what he feels about me. I'm afraid to ask him. Because the fact of the matter is that if he is NOT in love with me anymore, than this marriage is doomed.
The thing is that I've sensed this for a long time. I wish that I could go back. I would have never asked him to marry me. I would have never done all of this. I wish that I had taken things more slowly with him. I wish that my self esteem hadn't been so low that I rushed, that I put up with things that shouldn't have been put up with. My low self image and my need for outside validation also led me to retaliate in the ways that I did. I was so desperate to feel sexually attractive and desired. When Matt stopped finding me sexually desirable I went out and found people who were.
No matter how much I love Matt, no matter how IN love with him I am; I cannot be in a relationship with someone who isn't equally in love with me. It will hurt like hell, but if he isn't in love with me anymore than he has to let me go. There are no words for how that will make me feel. But if he can't look at me, look into my eyes, and want me like he's never wanted anyone else before than he has to let me go.
I love my my Grandma very much but she can be a bit abrasive at times. She wants us all to be happy, but she also wants us to be self sufficient and her idea of what successful is. This sometimes comes out in a way that seems a bit tough but she means well. I haven't really spoken to her about all that has been going on with Matt and me, and about my nervous breakdown. I thought for sure I was going to be grilled but I only ended up a bit golden brown.
Seeing my dad with Jill and the baby is still not easy for me. It's going to get harder as the baby gets older for me to hide how I feel. It's going to be a very unpopular point of view, but I don't know if I can be a part of that child's life. I mean, she's my half sister and there isn't anything that I can do about that. It's not her fault that she was born. I have not yet learned to look past all of that though.
I don't blame her. I just have no natural brotherly feelings for her. I feel guilty about not having them, but I don't have them. It's terribly of me to say it but I really don't like her mother at all. I feel guilty about that too because I should be able to forgive Jill for actions against my family. The thing about forgiveness though, is while I don't believe that it needs to be asked for to be granted - in a situation like this I think that it does.
Matt called me on Saturday night. We talked and had a decent conversation. He called me again at a little after midnight. The poor thing got jumped in the west village by a trio of thugs. He was feeling pretty bad about it. He wasn't hurt physically but I think his pride was. Matt was getting really down on himself for not fighting back more directly.
I tried to explain to him that he defended himself well. He only fought as much as was needed and then he got away. Those punks deserved a lot worse but what could he have done? It was three against one. Even if there had been a police officer right there they probably wouldn't have caught them. He was still pretty angry about it though.
Sunday is football day. I went to the movies and saw Mocking Jay part I. I thought it was really well done. I didn't read the book so I'm not sure how the adaptation was. Some people loved and others not so much. I'll read it eventually. As a movie though I thought it was fantastic.
After the movie I came back to mom and watched some TV and The Barba Streisand version of A Star is Born, which I had never seen. It's not my favorite version. In fact, it's my least favorite version. The original version I think is my favorite. I'll have to watch both the original and the Judy Garland version again to be sure though. Matt called me, but I missed the call. It must have been right before he went in for his overnight shift. I haven't heard from him since.
I have a fear gnawing at me and I don't know what to do with it. It's actually a fear that I have had for a very long time. It's some of what has fueled my past infidelities and past and present insecurities. My fear is that Matt cares for me, cares about my well being, wants me to be happy, loves me even, but is not IN love with me.
People say that at some point love becomes a choice. That the passion dies and you have to work for it. I believe that to an extent. I do believe though, that there has to be an underlying feeling of want and desire. I'm not sure when it stopped, but my husband stopped having any desire for me a long time ago.
Part of the reason I have always felt the need to have other men in my life, whether they were passing flirtations, flings, or more emotionally intimate relationships is because I have sensed for years that my husband does not want me.
This is the part of things that hurts me the most. I'm still in love with Matt. I still look at him and think that he is the most beautiful man I've ever seen. I look into his eyes and I could just look forever. I think about kissing his lips and I just melt. I know that he isn't perfect, and some of his imperfections and idiosyncrasies drive me nuts. Even still - I want him. I want him to be happy. I want to MAKE him happy. There isn't anything that I would not give up to make him happy, to protect him, or to show him that I love him.
It's not a matter of him having to give things up for me or to sacrifice. I'm sure if I told him all of this he would just accuse me of being dramatic. Lately it seems I'm incapable of disclosing how I feel without being called dramatic.
I don't necessarily deny the charge of being dramatic, but I don't know any other way to be. It's not as though I say things and think "OH this will be dramatic and theatrical". I just say what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling.
The truth is, I believe that there is a difference between loving someone, and being IN love with them. I both love Matt, and am still desperately IN love with him. I think that he believes in a difference too. I'm not sure if he knows what he feels about me. I'm afraid to ask him. Because the fact of the matter is that if he is NOT in love with me anymore, than this marriage is doomed.
The thing is that I've sensed this for a long time. I wish that I could go back. I would have never asked him to marry me. I would have never done all of this. I wish that I had taken things more slowly with him. I wish that my self esteem hadn't been so low that I rushed, that I put up with things that shouldn't have been put up with. My low self image and my need for outside validation also led me to retaliate in the ways that I did. I was so desperate to feel sexually attractive and desired. When Matt stopped finding me sexually desirable I went out and found people who were.
No matter how much I love Matt, no matter how IN love with him I am; I cannot be in a relationship with someone who isn't equally in love with me. It will hurt like hell, but if he isn't in love with me anymore than he has to let me go. There are no words for how that will make me feel. But if he can't look at me, look into my eyes, and want me like he's never wanted anyone else before than he has to let me go.
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