confused
If I could turn back time to any one moment, I'm not sure if I could choose. There are so many moments I wish that I had the opportunity to go back and fix. Most recently I wish I could go back and stop myself from posting the note that I did on Facebook where I basically revealed intimate details of my personal life to the entire internet. It has made things so incredibly difficult. There are many, many other things that I wish that I had the power to go back and fix, but that one is just a recent example.
I did not sleep well last night. I was tired around midnight but somehow managed to be up until nearly 3am. The kids woke up before 8 as per usual. They are cute kids but they are loud in the morning! I dozed until about 10am and then had to start getting ready to catch my train into New York City. I arrived at my apartment in Brooklyn at about 1:30 this afternoon.
The place needed a little bit of cleaning done so I swept, vacuumed, and did the dishes. Then I went to the grocery store because I noticed Matt was out of a few things. I also picked up some chicken to make for dinner.
Today was my second therapy appointment. I'm still not sure of what to make of the therapist I'm seeing. So far I've done most of the talking with him only really interjecting to get me to start talking about when I get quiet. I'd really prefer a more active participant. I can tell that he's paying attention but he just doesn't have much to say on things. I'm going to give him four sessions before I give him any feedback.
One of the things he asked me was how I thought things would be when I got back to my apartment and my husband was there. Perhaps it was a self fulfilling prophecy but I did not think things would go too well and I was correct.
Immediately upon walking in I could tell that Matt just really didn't want me there. He was watching something on TV and I just - I started to get really uncomfortable and I started to make arrangement for me to sleep someplace else. He could tell I wasn't doing well and twice asked me what was wrong and twice I said nothing. I did ask him if he'd found a therapist yet and he said no and then went into the bedroom for a while. When he came back out I told him I was going to leave.
He got annoyed at me. The trouble is that he doesn't really want to talk to me, but thinks I'm being ridiculous when I say it feels like he doesn't want me around. I'm not sure what I expected but I had hoped that he might be glad to see me. I know that I've been looking forward to seeing him. I miss him so much and it just seems like - he couldn't possibly care less if he never saw me again.
I told Matt that I wasn't going to rush moving home. I'm going to be in MA for the next 10 days. I'm not going to call him, text him, or email him the entire time I'm gone. If he does make any contact with me I'm going to try to keep it light. I'm not going to ask him if he's found a therapist at all until after the first of February. I'm just going to assume that I'm going to be living at Vicki's out on Long Island for the entire month of February. That's really upsetting to me because I want so badly to move back home. But I can't force him to do anything that he doesn't want to do.
Even today when I told him that I'd give him the time and the space and that I wasn't going to rush him he just kept shaking his head. I just don't know what he wants or expects of me. It's almost as though he would rather I just give up and file for a divorce. I'm not going to do that though. I'm going to hang on until he tells me it's what he wants.
It's just so difficult for me to see him and look into his eyes and see anger and hatred where I used to see love. He hasn't told me that he loves me in a very long time. I don't know. Maybe I just need to face the writing on the wall. I'm going to give him until February 1st and I'm going to try not to have any talks about our future until then. We'll see what happens after that.
I did not sleep well last night. I was tired around midnight but somehow managed to be up until nearly 3am. The kids woke up before 8 as per usual. They are cute kids but they are loud in the morning! I dozed until about 10am and then had to start getting ready to catch my train into New York City. I arrived at my apartment in Brooklyn at about 1:30 this afternoon.
The place needed a little bit of cleaning done so I swept, vacuumed, and did the dishes. Then I went to the grocery store because I noticed Matt was out of a few things. I also picked up some chicken to make for dinner.
Today was my second therapy appointment. I'm still not sure of what to make of the therapist I'm seeing. So far I've done most of the talking with him only really interjecting to get me to start talking about when I get quiet. I'd really prefer a more active participant. I can tell that he's paying attention but he just doesn't have much to say on things. I'm going to give him four sessions before I give him any feedback.
One of the things he asked me was how I thought things would be when I got back to my apartment and my husband was there. Perhaps it was a self fulfilling prophecy but I did not think things would go too well and I was correct.
Immediately upon walking in I could tell that Matt just really didn't want me there. He was watching something on TV and I just - I started to get really uncomfortable and I started to make arrangement for me to sleep someplace else. He could tell I wasn't doing well and twice asked me what was wrong and twice I said nothing. I did ask him if he'd found a therapist yet and he said no and then went into the bedroom for a while. When he came back out I told him I was going to leave.
He got annoyed at me. The trouble is that he doesn't really want to talk to me, but thinks I'm being ridiculous when I say it feels like he doesn't want me around. I'm not sure what I expected but I had hoped that he might be glad to see me. I know that I've been looking forward to seeing him. I miss him so much and it just seems like - he couldn't possibly care less if he never saw me again.
I told Matt that I wasn't going to rush moving home. I'm going to be in MA for the next 10 days. I'm not going to call him, text him, or email him the entire time I'm gone. If he does make any contact with me I'm going to try to keep it light. I'm not going to ask him if he's found a therapist at all until after the first of February. I'm just going to assume that I'm going to be living at Vicki's out on Long Island for the entire month of February. That's really upsetting to me because I want so badly to move back home. But I can't force him to do anything that he doesn't want to do.
Even today when I told him that I'd give him the time and the space and that I wasn't going to rush him he just kept shaking his head. I just don't know what he wants or expects of me. It's almost as though he would rather I just give up and file for a divorce. I'm not going to do that though. I'm going to hang on until he tells me it's what he wants.
It's just so difficult for me to see him and look into his eyes and see anger and hatred where I used to see love. He hasn't told me that he loves me in a very long time. I don't know. Maybe I just need to face the writing on the wall. I'm going to give him until February 1st and I'm going to try not to have any talks about our future until then. We'll see what happens after that.
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