meh

Today was sort of a mixed bag. I slept late again (someday I'll learn to get up before noon again). I took a shower, got dressed, and started the dish washer. My friends Vicki and Rich had planned to have a Patriots playoff viewing party this afternoon and they bought a bunch of food that needed to be prepared.Most of the day was occupied getting all of the food ready. We made potato skins, all different types of dip, sausages - I can't even remember everything that we made. I was in a really good mood for most of the day. Even after the cooking was done and I had done my Facebook posts for work, and the Football game had started I was in a pretty decent mood. Then Matt called.I'm not sure why he even bothers to call me. I mean, I want him to call me, I want to talk with him, but it's very difficult. He is always in a bad mood when he calls. He's so depressed all the time and stressed out about so many different things. Today I tried to get him to talk to me but it just made things worse I think.He's worried about the household finances. He doesn't want me to help with them though. He spent nearly an hour telling me about how he goes to work and then goes home and goes to bed and doesn't want to deal with anything. He's in so much trouble and I just want to help him but he wont let me. It's the most awful feeling in the world when somebody you love is miserable and they wont allow you to even attempt to help them.I basically begged him to let me come home again and to start fixing our marriage and also so that I could help him to fix our finances. He just wont let it happen. He hates me. He really does. I don't understand why he wont just tell me that he wants a divorce. I said to him tonight "I know you hate me, but I still love you and I want to help you" and he didn't say anything. He didn't say "I don't hate you", or "I love you too". Though before things got bad I did tell him that I missed him a lot and he said that he missed me too.I'm just so confused right now. I wasn't confused before. He has made me confused with the way he acts and the things that he says. Needless to say that when we finally got off the phone I was not in a good mood. I had some vodka but that didn't help. I wrote him an email that basically apologized if I made things worse on the phone. I love him so much I just wish he's let me come home.A few hours after the first phone call he called me back. He wanted to let me know that he was okay. He had been pretty bad off during the first phone call. I just reiterated everything that I had said before. I told him that I want to come home. That I want to help him. That I want to support him. He just has to let me. He wont let me though. I'm not sure how much time I'm supposed to give him. I mean, I'm going to give him until the 25th of January before I say anything about moving back home again. I don't really have a choice. I have to be able to figure out what I'm going to do for the month of February. I've got practically no money left. I've got to get a job. I'm going back to MA on Wed. I'm going to stay there for about 10 days until the day before my next therapy appointment. If he tells me that he's not ready for me to come home in February I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying to just take things day by day but it's very difficult to do that.My friend Vicki and her family have been very generous in allowing me to stay with them while I figure things out. I will have been here one week on Tuesday. I'll be gone for the following ten days so they'll have some time without me here so hopefully I wont get to be too much of a burden for them. Part of me wishes that he hadn't called me. I was doing really well. I hadn't called him, I hadn't texted him, I hadn't emailed him. I had small pangs of desire to get in touch with him but I kept telling myself that it was the way that would help heal our relationship, to give him time and space. Now I can't shake the feeling that no matter how much time and space I give him, he's never going to forgive me. He's never going to let me come home. I'm going to lose him forever. If I'm going to lose him forever I'd rather just know it now and have it done and over with so that I can cut him out of my life and out of me heart and just - I don't know. I don't want that. I don't want to cut him out. I don't want to erase him from my life. It devastates me to think that might be what happens. After the football game my friend Vicki and I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It made me think of Matt and me. I'm very similar to the Kate Winslet Character and he's very much like the Jim Carey role. I feel like even if we erased each other from our minds, our hearts, our souls, would still be drawn to each other. Deep down inside of me I know that he's the man I'm supposed to spend my life with. I feel it in my bones. In the past seven years, every time he's rejected me, made me feel ugly, unwanted and unneeded I've gone in search of comfort from other men. Not just sex, but I've gone on dates, and gotten to know people emotionally too. Nobody has been able to replace him. Nobody has ever even been able to come close to replacing him. Even if he decides to divorce me, I know that I will spend the rest of my life searching for somebody who might possibly come close to being Matt. And nobody ever will. I wish I could turn back the clock just three months. I would never have left. I would have demanded that we go to marriage counseling instead. I would have fought harder. I know that people say things happen for a reason, but I don't believe that things are preplanned. I don't believe that everything (or anything for that matter) is set in stone. I think we make choices and that those choices have consequences. I made bad choices. Now I have to try to live with the consequences.