Oh boy
I've made a huge error in judgment. It started with I guess either a miscommunication or a misunderstanding or both. Earlier this week or late last week, when Matt told me that he was willing to see a therapist, I took it the wrong way. Though, to be honest, I think that perhaps he is remembering it a little differently.
What I thought that he said was that he was willing to see a therapist but that he didn't really see a point because we are too far gone to help. He did say that he doesn't want a divorce. What I took that as was that he doesn't want a divorce yet, but he's not sure that he wants to try to work things out. He asked me to give him time and space. I told him that I would and as we all know that did not happen.
I emailed me every day, and hold him how I had been feeling that day. I know now that all of those emails upset him. I knew that they completely undermined the whole time/space thing but I really thought that it would show him that I was thinking of him and that it would in some way help him to see how much I was suffering. Not help him, but - something he said made me feel as though he thought I was unaffected by this whole thing and I wanted to show him that I am not.
Anyway, at about 2am on the 6th I wrote him a very angry email. I basically called him out on some BS and said a lot of things out of anger and frustration. One of the last things I said was that I was not going to communicate with him until he called me and either asked me to come home, or to tell me that he was filing for divorce. I knew that I shouldn't have sent it. If I could have taken it back or "unsent" it the way you used to be able to on AOL I would have. I knew that it was a mistake. I knew that I was making a mistake every night that I emailed me but I couldn't stop myself from doing it. He thinks I'm truly insane. Maybe he's right.
This morning I woke up and I could not shake the impulse to go home. For some reason, I thought that if he could see me that it would - not make things all better, but that if I was standing in front of him, ready to make the commitment to do whatever it takes to save this marriage that he would be overwhelmed with love for me and want the same thing. I could not have been more wrong.
I have never seen him more angry than he was tonight. I do think that eventually we will go to see a marriage counselor together. I don't think he's so far gone into hatred that he doesn't want to try to save our marriage.
One thing that is upsetting though is that now his parents are against it. It's going to take a lot of effort on my part to convince his parents not only that our marriage CAN be saved, but that it's worth saving. I'm sure that they haven't gotten my card yet. Matt got his Christmas card today. I expect them to get their card either tomorrow or Thursday. I'm not sure how they'll react to it. I'm not sure if either one of them will see fit to call me, or just let it go on that end. I also wonder if they'll feel compelled to call Matt and advise him against having anything to do with me.
The thing is that I know if he felt as though his family wanted our marriage to succeed that he would feel better about trying to fix it. His parents opinion and support means a lot to him. If he feels like they believe in us, and that they not reluctantly, but whole heartedly support our working to fix our marriage than his feelings will start to change.
This is going to be a very long, and very difficult process. I'm not sure what the next step will be, or when it will take place. I do know that I've never been more afraid of anything in my life than I am of losing him.
What I thought that he said was that he was willing to see a therapist but that he didn't really see a point because we are too far gone to help. He did say that he doesn't want a divorce. What I took that as was that he doesn't want a divorce yet, but he's not sure that he wants to try to work things out. He asked me to give him time and space. I told him that I would and as we all know that did not happen.
I emailed me every day, and hold him how I had been feeling that day. I know now that all of those emails upset him. I knew that they completely undermined the whole time/space thing but I really thought that it would show him that I was thinking of him and that it would in some way help him to see how much I was suffering. Not help him, but - something he said made me feel as though he thought I was unaffected by this whole thing and I wanted to show him that I am not.
Anyway, at about 2am on the 6th I wrote him a very angry email. I basically called him out on some BS and said a lot of things out of anger and frustration. One of the last things I said was that I was not going to communicate with him until he called me and either asked me to come home, or to tell me that he was filing for divorce. I knew that I shouldn't have sent it. If I could have taken it back or "unsent" it the way you used to be able to on AOL I would have. I knew that it was a mistake. I knew that I was making a mistake every night that I emailed me but I couldn't stop myself from doing it. He thinks I'm truly insane. Maybe he's right.
This morning I woke up and I could not shake the impulse to go home. For some reason, I thought that if he could see me that it would - not make things all better, but that if I was standing in front of him, ready to make the commitment to do whatever it takes to save this marriage that he would be overwhelmed with love for me and want the same thing. I could not have been more wrong.
I have never seen him more angry than he was tonight. I do think that eventually we will go to see a marriage counselor together. I don't think he's so far gone into hatred that he doesn't want to try to save our marriage.
One thing that is upsetting though is that now his parents are against it. It's going to take a lot of effort on my part to convince his parents not only that our marriage CAN be saved, but that it's worth saving. I'm sure that they haven't gotten my card yet. Matt got his Christmas card today. I expect them to get their card either tomorrow or Thursday. I'm not sure how they'll react to it. I'm not sure if either one of them will see fit to call me, or just let it go on that end. I also wonder if they'll feel compelled to call Matt and advise him against having anything to do with me.
The thing is that I know if he felt as though his family wanted our marriage to succeed that he would feel better about trying to fix it. His parents opinion and support means a lot to him. If he feels like they believe in us, and that they not reluctantly, but whole heartedly support our working to fix our marriage than his feelings will start to change.
This is going to be a very long, and very difficult process. I'm not sure what the next step will be, or when it will take place. I do know that I've never been more afraid of anything in my life than I am of losing him.
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