A better day.
Today was a little bit easier to get through than yesterday. This morning I woke up and I felt a little bit depressed at first. I took the dog out for a walk. I watched a little bit of TV, checked my email. Last night I had looked up a book I'd heard about when my parents were going through their divorce called The Love Dare.
I read a sample page from it. If Matt and I could commit to doing it together I think that it could really save our marriage. It's worked for a lot of people before. It could work for us. The problem is going to be convincing Matt that it can work.
The problem right now is going to be convincing Matt that anything can work. I love him so much, and I want to prove to him that our love and our marriage is worth fighting for. I want him to realize that, not only is it worth fighting for - that it is possible for us to WIN the fight.
After I ordered the book for store pick up I went to the post office. I mailed Matt the Christmas card I had bought him before Christmas. I had intended to be in NYC the weekend that he got back from FL but I couldn't get myself on the bus. So, I finally put it in the mail today.
An apology card that I had made out to Matt's parents also went into the mail. I really hope that he doesn't get mad at me for sending it. I don't think that it says anything that he wouldn't want me to say to them. I didn't mention anything that Matt and I have talked about. Nor did I say that we'd come to any decisions. It simply says that I'm sorry for any of my behavior over the past month that has affected them in any indirect way. I know that I didn't do anything to them directly, but I also know that they are mad at me.
The only part that might bother Matt (and possibly them) is the passive way in which I did indicate that I do hope for reconciliation. That part wasn't so passive, the part that was passive was where I said something about still loving Matt more than anything and that I was willing to do whatever it takes to work on my marriage, and that I was unwilling to give up on Matt. In hind sight the way that I worded it may have sounded slightly confrontational. I hope that they don't take it that way. I also hope that Matt doesn't get upset by it. I just wanted to start the process of repairing my relationship with them.
I know that if Matt's family is on board and supportive of us getting back together that he will have an easier time of it. Right now, I'm the only person telling him that it's possible. Matt has always needed outside validation. My opinion is not enough. He needs someone else to tell him that, if we really want it to happen, and we work very hard at it, that it's possible for us to save our marriage.
When I got home from the post office I did some work online, some internet surveys, and watched a bit more TV. Early this evening instead of watching Football I decided to go to the mall and to Barnes and noble to pick up the two copies of The Love Dare that I'd asked them to put on hold for me.The Mall is pretty boring when you are by yourself and have no money. I also started to get some mild anxiety when I was there. I haven't been out of my house except to walk the dog in five days. I do think I still have some of the agoraphobia that I had developed over the summer last year. If I'm with somebody it doesn't tend to be as bad, but it's still there.
I had to leave the mall, so I went to the Barnes and Noble. I decided not to buy The Love Dare. Not yet anyhow. I can't rush into things. Matt has asked me for time to process what's happened over the past month. I have to do my best to give it to him. Buying those books without talking to him first would not be a good idea. I also looked up and made a list of potential marriage councilors we could see in the area if he decides that would be a better route for us. I'm just really hoping and praying that he does not decide that divorce would be the better route. I bought a trade paper back of The Catcher in the Rye instead.It took me a very long time to get home because it started snowing pretty badly. When I got home I played around on Facebook a little bit and watched some TV. Today was the second day that I didn't hear from Matt. I hope that he is thinking about me. I hope that he is missing me. I know that I miss him.
I sent him a long email last night where I basically begged him to take me back. I probably shouldn't have sent it to him, but it made me feel better. Today I missed him, and there were a few moments where I felt really bad, but for the most part I made it. I did send him another email today. I sent him a song that I've been listening to a lot lately that has made me think of him. I'm really not good at time and space but I'm doing my best.Now, I'm going to watch The Golden Girls, read a few chapters of The Catcher in the Rye, do my devotional, and hopefully get to sleep before 3am today.
I read a sample page from it. If Matt and I could commit to doing it together I think that it could really save our marriage. It's worked for a lot of people before. It could work for us. The problem is going to be convincing Matt that it can work.
The problem right now is going to be convincing Matt that anything can work. I love him so much, and I want to prove to him that our love and our marriage is worth fighting for. I want him to realize that, not only is it worth fighting for - that it is possible for us to WIN the fight.
After I ordered the book for store pick up I went to the post office. I mailed Matt the Christmas card I had bought him before Christmas. I had intended to be in NYC the weekend that he got back from FL but I couldn't get myself on the bus. So, I finally put it in the mail today.
An apology card that I had made out to Matt's parents also went into the mail. I really hope that he doesn't get mad at me for sending it. I don't think that it says anything that he wouldn't want me to say to them. I didn't mention anything that Matt and I have talked about. Nor did I say that we'd come to any decisions. It simply says that I'm sorry for any of my behavior over the past month that has affected them in any indirect way. I know that I didn't do anything to them directly, but I also know that they are mad at me.
The only part that might bother Matt (and possibly them) is the passive way in which I did indicate that I do hope for reconciliation. That part wasn't so passive, the part that was passive was where I said something about still loving Matt more than anything and that I was willing to do whatever it takes to work on my marriage, and that I was unwilling to give up on Matt. In hind sight the way that I worded it may have sounded slightly confrontational. I hope that they don't take it that way. I also hope that Matt doesn't get upset by it. I just wanted to start the process of repairing my relationship with them.
I know that if Matt's family is on board and supportive of us getting back together that he will have an easier time of it. Right now, I'm the only person telling him that it's possible. Matt has always needed outside validation. My opinion is not enough. He needs someone else to tell him that, if we really want it to happen, and we work very hard at it, that it's possible for us to save our marriage.
When I got home from the post office I did some work online, some internet surveys, and watched a bit more TV. Early this evening instead of watching Football I decided to go to the mall and to Barnes and noble to pick up the two copies of The Love Dare that I'd asked them to put on hold for me.The Mall is pretty boring when you are by yourself and have no money. I also started to get some mild anxiety when I was there. I haven't been out of my house except to walk the dog in five days. I do think I still have some of the agoraphobia that I had developed over the summer last year. If I'm with somebody it doesn't tend to be as bad, but it's still there.
I had to leave the mall, so I went to the Barnes and Noble. I decided not to buy The Love Dare. Not yet anyhow. I can't rush into things. Matt has asked me for time to process what's happened over the past month. I have to do my best to give it to him. Buying those books without talking to him first would not be a good idea. I also looked up and made a list of potential marriage councilors we could see in the area if he decides that would be a better route for us. I'm just really hoping and praying that he does not decide that divorce would be the better route. I bought a trade paper back of The Catcher in the Rye instead.It took me a very long time to get home because it started snowing pretty badly. When I got home I played around on Facebook a little bit and watched some TV. Today was the second day that I didn't hear from Matt. I hope that he is thinking about me. I hope that he is missing me. I know that I miss him.
I sent him a long email last night where I basically begged him to take me back. I probably shouldn't have sent it to him, but it made me feel better. Today I missed him, and there were a few moments where I felt really bad, but for the most part I made it. I did send him another email today. I sent him a song that I've been listening to a lot lately that has made me think of him. I'm really not good at time and space but I'm doing my best.Now, I'm going to watch The Golden Girls, read a few chapters of The Catcher in the Rye, do my devotional, and hopefully get to sleep before 3am today.
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