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I'm so depressed right now and I don't know what to do.
All I want is my husband back and I can't have that and I don't know how to function. I keep thinking that there has to be something that I can do but the fact is that there isn't anything I can do.
These are the situations that I don't do well in. I feel completely powerless. I told him that I would give him time and space and let him figure himself out and I just have to do that but I don't know how I'm supposed to go on in the meantime. I don't know how I'm just supposed to get through each day.
I have nothing. I have nothing. I'm all alone and I have no one to love me. I have nobody. I have nothing to live for. I truly don't. All this time I've been living for love. Now I don't have love and I don't know how I'm supposed to go on.
Please just call me. Just call me and tell me that you love me and that you need me and that you want me to come home so that we can work on our marriage. Please. That's all that I want.
I know that I hurt you and that I did things that are terrible and that I have this mental illness now to deal with on top of it but my god don't you love me enough to move passed it all? Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me. Why?
Please just call me and tell me that you love me and that you miss me and that you want me to come home please please please. I just need it so badly. I need it. I hate that I need it. I wish I was strong enough not to need you but I do. I need you so badly.
I hate myself for needing you so much. I wish that I didn't care. I wish that I could just move on because it would mean that I could just turn my feelings off. I don't want to feel. I don't want to love. I don't want to NEED anyone to love me. I don't want it.
This has been the worst feeling in the world. I keep making the most awful wrong choices. I know that this is exactly what I deserve to have happen but can I really just sit back and let it happen? How am I supposed to just sit and wait?
And he's right. I did intend to move on when I thought, for a little while, that Matt loved me. When I thought that Matt really wanted to be with me long term. Though even then, I kept the door open. Every time I talked to him I just wanted him to fight for me.
I killed him. I killed his spirit. He used to be so happy and full of life and I killed it. I strangled it out of him by being so completely controlling and over bearing. I want so badly for him to be able to forgive me and to be able to be in a happy loving relationship but I he's right. I don't know how it can work out because his heart isn't in it.
My heart is in it and I just want him to choose me. PLEASE. Why can't he choose me. He has never trusted me he has never really given himself to me. He never has and I've felt it right from the start and I let myself fall in love with him anyway.
There is so much that I want to tell him. There is so much that I want to say to him. I know that it wont help though. I can't force him. I don't want to force him. I just want him to feel it. I want so badly for him to feel it and it hurts so much that he doesn't. I just love him so much that it hurts. I have to endure it though. I have to give him time. I have to give him space. He asked me for it and I have to give it to him. I have to because if I can't do this one simple thing than how can he trust me to do anything harder?
I'm also angry with him. I'm angry with him because he never wanted to have sex with me. Even going as far back as 2008. Before we were married, before we were engaged. before we had even left Florida. Before he had even graduated from Stetson. He never wanted to do it. I still to this day don't understand why he never wanted to do it. He didn't even want to do it once a week. Forget about every day. Not even once or twice a month. We never did it.
And of course if you break up with your boyfriend because he wont have sex with you than you're an asshole. I just thought he needed more time. I gave him 7 years but it never got any better. He doesn't want me. I have to accept it. I have to just accept it and move on. I just don't know how to do it.
All I want is my husband back and I can't have that and I don't know how to function. I keep thinking that there has to be something that I can do but the fact is that there isn't anything I can do.
These are the situations that I don't do well in. I feel completely powerless. I told him that I would give him time and space and let him figure himself out and I just have to do that but I don't know how I'm supposed to go on in the meantime. I don't know how I'm just supposed to get through each day.
I have nothing. I have nothing. I'm all alone and I have no one to love me. I have nobody. I have nothing to live for. I truly don't. All this time I've been living for love. Now I don't have love and I don't know how I'm supposed to go on.
Please just call me. Just call me and tell me that you love me and that you need me and that you want me to come home so that we can work on our marriage. Please. That's all that I want.
I know that I hurt you and that I did things that are terrible and that I have this mental illness now to deal with on top of it but my god don't you love me enough to move passed it all? Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me. Why?
Please just call me and tell me that you love me and that you miss me and that you want me to come home please please please. I just need it so badly. I need it. I hate that I need it. I wish I was strong enough not to need you but I do. I need you so badly.
I hate myself for needing you so much. I wish that I didn't care. I wish that I could just move on because it would mean that I could just turn my feelings off. I don't want to feel. I don't want to love. I don't want to NEED anyone to love me. I don't want it.
This has been the worst feeling in the world. I keep making the most awful wrong choices. I know that this is exactly what I deserve to have happen but can I really just sit back and let it happen? How am I supposed to just sit and wait?
And he's right. I did intend to move on when I thought, for a little while, that Matt loved me. When I thought that Matt really wanted to be with me long term. Though even then, I kept the door open. Every time I talked to him I just wanted him to fight for me.
I killed him. I killed his spirit. He used to be so happy and full of life and I killed it. I strangled it out of him by being so completely controlling and over bearing. I want so badly for him to be able to forgive me and to be able to be in a happy loving relationship but I he's right. I don't know how it can work out because his heart isn't in it.
My heart is in it and I just want him to choose me. PLEASE. Why can't he choose me. He has never trusted me he has never really given himself to me. He never has and I've felt it right from the start and I let myself fall in love with him anyway.
There is so much that I want to tell him. There is so much that I want to say to him. I know that it wont help though. I can't force him. I don't want to force him. I just want him to feel it. I want so badly for him to feel it and it hurts so much that he doesn't. I just love him so much that it hurts. I have to endure it though. I have to give him time. I have to give him space. He asked me for it and I have to give it to him. I have to because if I can't do this one simple thing than how can he trust me to do anything harder?
I'm also angry with him. I'm angry with him because he never wanted to have sex with me. Even going as far back as 2008. Before we were married, before we were engaged. before we had even left Florida. Before he had even graduated from Stetson. He never wanted to do it. I still to this day don't understand why he never wanted to do it. He didn't even want to do it once a week. Forget about every day. Not even once or twice a month. We never did it.
And of course if you break up with your boyfriend because he wont have sex with you than you're an asshole. I just thought he needed more time. I gave him 7 years but it never got any better. He doesn't want me. I have to accept it. I have to just accept it and move on. I just don't know how to do it.
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