Love

I just spent the past three hours talking to my husband on the phone. I have hurt him so deeply and so completely that I truthfully don't know if there is any fixing it. It's so sad to have to admit that.
I remember when we first met. I remember when just being with me was the high light of his day. He used to look at me like he was so lucky to have me.
I wasted that. I don't deserve to have him. I can't let him go though. Right now he needs time and space and I'm just trying so hard to give it to him. I failed last night. I have to do better. I have to. I have to show him that I can give him what he needs.
I just want him to do it for me too. I want him to fall down on his knees and tell me how wonderful I am and how much he loves me and how much he needs me and how sorry he is for rejecting me over and over and over and over again. I want him to tell me that he chooses me, me above all else.
Why can't I ever have that? He has never picked me. When ever he has had to choose between me and something else he always picks something else.
Even from the very beginning. The only time I ever got picked was when it was between me and Jenn, but even when he made that choice he did it with a resentful heart. He has picked me because he wanted to. I asked him to choose between me and Nick and he chose Nick. I asked him to choose between me and going home for the summer and he chose to go home for the summer. I asked him to choose between me and being a Doctor. He chose being a doctor. I don't think that I ever would have let him give up on being a Doctor, but it would have been nice to hear that he would rather have me than his career.
I've never wanted anything as much as I've wanted to be loved by another person. I have been willing to give up every other thing in my life for that pursuit. I put my entire life on hold and made so many bad choices just because I wanted to be loved.
The truth is that I really do love my husband. I want to be a good man for him. It's just so difficult to give up the idea in my head of what love is supposed to be like.
I'm so lonely and sad.
I honestly don't want anyone else though. Even if the other boy called me right now and told me everything that I wanted to hear from my husband. Even if he said "I miss you, I made a terribly mistake in giving you up, I want to be with you, please, let's try again" I would say no. I would say no because I don't want him. I thought that he could replace my husband and I was wrong. Nobody can replace him.
He is special. He is what I want and what I need. I just don't understand why he doesn't feel the same anymore. I don't understand how his love for me could have died like that.
I just don't get it.