Alone
I feel so completely lost. Everyone tells me that I'm bipolar and that I need medication. I don't think I'm bipolar. I don't know. Maybe I am. I am broken. That's for sure. I feel things on a much deeper level than most people do.
I still don't know how to function without somebody. I mean, not just somebody, but a romantic partner. I've been trying to work things out with my husband but he just can't seem to get passed anything that has happened. He doesn't want me to be a part of his life right now and that just hurts so much. It's one more rejection.
Here I am on New Years Eve, and I'm alone. I chose to be alone. I could have gone out with my mother, or my father, or my Nana, or any of my friends. I'd have to pretend that I'm happy though and I am not.
My life is in complete shambles. I have no home, no job, nothing to look forward to. I know that life isn't hopeless. I know that there is a future ahead of me. I just can't look forward and see the path. It just seems so dark and fraught with despair.
Matt doesn't want me back. He says that he doesn't want a divorce, but he doesn't want to get back together. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. I don't know where I'm supposed to go or how I'm supposed to live. I have no choice but to start rebuilding my life. It's just that I now have to do it alone.
I'm afraid that if I rebuild my life alone that it will become harder for me to let him back into it. I know that I will love again, and that - whether it is Matt or somebody else that I will have a happy, healthy, loving relationship. I just so badly want it to be him.
I don't think that he realizes how much he has hurt me. Every time I bring it up he gets mad at me. He makes it seem like I'm trying to blame everything on him. That's not the case. I made my own choices and he didn't force me to make them. But it's like - he doesn't want to admit that he had any part in it. As soon as I mention it he gets on this whole "Oh yes it's all my fault" kick and then there's no talking constructively about anything.
I just love him so much and I want so badly for him to love me. I want for him to need me. I want for him to crave me. I need for somebody to be so enamored with me that they'd do anything for me. I wouldn't want them to, but it would be nice to know that they would.
I know that I have unrealistic expectations and that is something that I do need to work on. I require too much attention. It's not even attention. I become so obsessed with people and I want and need them to become equally obsessed with me or I doubt their love. When I doubt their love than I feel the need to test it. I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I don't know how to deal with these feelings of pain. It's New Years Eve and I'm almost 100% sure that he wont even call to wish me a happy New Year. I already want to punish him for this, even though it hasn't happened yet. Even if he does call, I want to make him feel bad. I feel like I can use it to manipulate him into taking me back.
This is how I think, this is what goes through my head. I don't know how to stop these thoughts. I want them to stop. I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to think like this.
I still don't know how to function without somebody. I mean, not just somebody, but a romantic partner. I've been trying to work things out with my husband but he just can't seem to get passed anything that has happened. He doesn't want me to be a part of his life right now and that just hurts so much. It's one more rejection.
Here I am on New Years Eve, and I'm alone. I chose to be alone. I could have gone out with my mother, or my father, or my Nana, or any of my friends. I'd have to pretend that I'm happy though and I am not.
My life is in complete shambles. I have no home, no job, nothing to look forward to. I know that life isn't hopeless. I know that there is a future ahead of me. I just can't look forward and see the path. It just seems so dark and fraught with despair.
Matt doesn't want me back. He says that he doesn't want a divorce, but he doesn't want to get back together. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. I don't know where I'm supposed to go or how I'm supposed to live. I have no choice but to start rebuilding my life. It's just that I now have to do it alone.
I'm afraid that if I rebuild my life alone that it will become harder for me to let him back into it. I know that I will love again, and that - whether it is Matt or somebody else that I will have a happy, healthy, loving relationship. I just so badly want it to be him.
I don't think that he realizes how much he has hurt me. Every time I bring it up he gets mad at me. He makes it seem like I'm trying to blame everything on him. That's not the case. I made my own choices and he didn't force me to make them. But it's like - he doesn't want to admit that he had any part in it. As soon as I mention it he gets on this whole "Oh yes it's all my fault" kick and then there's no talking constructively about anything.
I just love him so much and I want so badly for him to love me. I want for him to need me. I want for him to crave me. I need for somebody to be so enamored with me that they'd do anything for me. I wouldn't want them to, but it would be nice to know that they would.
I know that I have unrealistic expectations and that is something that I do need to work on. I require too much attention. It's not even attention. I become so obsessed with people and I want and need them to become equally obsessed with me or I doubt their love. When I doubt their love than I feel the need to test it. I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I don't know how to deal with these feelings of pain. It's New Years Eve and I'm almost 100% sure that he wont even call to wish me a happy New Year. I already want to punish him for this, even though it hasn't happened yet. Even if he does call, I want to make him feel bad. I feel like I can use it to manipulate him into taking me back.
This is how I think, this is what goes through my head. I don't know how to stop these thoughts. I want them to stop. I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to think like this.
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