Sad
I'm feeling so many different things it's tough to single them out.
I'm still very angry at The guy who just broke my heart. I just spent a few minutes staring at his picture on Facebook. I know it's not healthy for me to do that. I honestly haven't done in almost two whole weeks. It's just so hard. I still just don't understand what happened.
In the logical part of my brain I know exactly what happened. I'm 30 years old and he's 21. I don't even love him. I'm just so angry and hurt that he lied to me. I'm mad because I feel like I did all the right things or at least I feel like I did. I just don't understand. Emotionally I do not understand.
Also, - I don't even want him, I just want him to want me. It doesn't even feel right to be with him anymore. I just, I am addicted to love. I have to be surrounded by it and I just don't know how to live without it.
I'm not sure how I'm ever going to get closure on that relationship. I don't think it's going to be possible. I know that time heals all wounds but it's really hard to wait. I've never been a patient person. I just want to be over him.
To complicate matters more I have no idea what's going on with my husband. I really made a mess of things. I have no idea what he wants. I'm not sure if I know what I want, but I'm pretty sure I want to try to work things out. My husband is a good man. I think that we can learn to love each other again. Not just to care about one another, but to genuinely be in love with each other and want to make each other happy.We recently had a family vacation together. We got through it. The beginning was very hard. He's still so angry. I'm not even sure if he knows what he's angry about.The whole situation makes me feel so sad.To make matters worse I'm at my mothers condo in another state. I love my mom and I love being with my family. I'm starting to go a little crazy though.
It's my own fault because I went off the deep end and I had to be partially hospitalized for a week. Now I have no job, no home to go to back in New York City, and basically nothing to do. My whole life is in limbo.My name is on the lease of our apartment and I could just go back and say I have a right to be here and I'm staying. Of course I don't have a job right now so I can't contribute in any way. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'd really like to take another acting class, get my head shots taken, build up some audition rep and start going when audition season rolls around. I thought I was ready, I was on a good track and then I just lost it. I let myself lose focus. I have to get it back. I have to channel all of this loneliness, pain, and heart ache into something useful. If I don't I truly might go crazy.I've been on meds for two full weeks now I think. I'm really not sure if they're helping or not. It's tough to tell. My moods are still up and down. I really need to see a therapist and make an appointment with a med provider but I just don't even know where to make it.I wish I had been able to get on the plane to NYC. I had a huge anxiety attack and I had to change my flight from NYC to Boston because I just couldn't fly by myself. Even flying with people my Anxiety was barely manageable. I can't imagine what it might have been like if I'd tried to fly by myself.Today I was supposed to take a bus back to NY and even the thought of being on a bus alone for 5 hours and only being able to get off once freaked me out so much I couldn't do it.I'm starting to make really bad choices again. I just don't know how to stop it. I have a void inside me. I feel so lost, empty and alone. That's what I really miss about the boy. For some reason, when he would look at me, when he would touch me, kiss me, tell me that he loved me, it just filled that void right up. That's what I miss. That's what I feel like I need.If he called me up right now and told me that he loved me and he missed me and that he'd made a huge mistake. I'm honestly not sure what I'd do. It would probably make me very happy to hear that. It would be incredibly foolish for me to give in though. Just as it was incredibly foolish for me to have started anything was a boy that young in the first place. There just isn't any other way for me to feel complete right now. I just don't know how to do it. I need a man to love me.
I'm still very angry at The guy who just broke my heart. I just spent a few minutes staring at his picture on Facebook. I know it's not healthy for me to do that. I honestly haven't done in almost two whole weeks. It's just so hard. I still just don't understand what happened.
In the logical part of my brain I know exactly what happened. I'm 30 years old and he's 21. I don't even love him. I'm just so angry and hurt that he lied to me. I'm mad because I feel like I did all the right things or at least I feel like I did. I just don't understand. Emotionally I do not understand.
Also, - I don't even want him, I just want him to want me. It doesn't even feel right to be with him anymore. I just, I am addicted to love. I have to be surrounded by it and I just don't know how to live without it.
I'm not sure how I'm ever going to get closure on that relationship. I don't think it's going to be possible. I know that time heals all wounds but it's really hard to wait. I've never been a patient person. I just want to be over him.
To complicate matters more I have no idea what's going on with my husband. I really made a mess of things. I have no idea what he wants. I'm not sure if I know what I want, but I'm pretty sure I want to try to work things out. My husband is a good man. I think that we can learn to love each other again. Not just to care about one another, but to genuinely be in love with each other and want to make each other happy.We recently had a family vacation together. We got through it. The beginning was very hard. He's still so angry. I'm not even sure if he knows what he's angry about.The whole situation makes me feel so sad.To make matters worse I'm at my mothers condo in another state. I love my mom and I love being with my family. I'm starting to go a little crazy though.
It's my own fault because I went off the deep end and I had to be partially hospitalized for a week. Now I have no job, no home to go to back in New York City, and basically nothing to do. My whole life is in limbo.My name is on the lease of our apartment and I could just go back and say I have a right to be here and I'm staying. Of course I don't have a job right now so I can't contribute in any way. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'd really like to take another acting class, get my head shots taken, build up some audition rep and start going when audition season rolls around. I thought I was ready, I was on a good track and then I just lost it. I let myself lose focus. I have to get it back. I have to channel all of this loneliness, pain, and heart ache into something useful. If I don't I truly might go crazy.I've been on meds for two full weeks now I think. I'm really not sure if they're helping or not. It's tough to tell. My moods are still up and down. I really need to see a therapist and make an appointment with a med provider but I just don't even know where to make it.I wish I had been able to get on the plane to NYC. I had a huge anxiety attack and I had to change my flight from NYC to Boston because I just couldn't fly by myself. Even flying with people my Anxiety was barely manageable. I can't imagine what it might have been like if I'd tried to fly by myself.Today I was supposed to take a bus back to NY and even the thought of being on a bus alone for 5 hours and only being able to get off once freaked me out so much I couldn't do it.I'm starting to make really bad choices again. I just don't know how to stop it. I have a void inside me. I feel so lost, empty and alone. That's what I really miss about the boy. For some reason, when he would look at me, when he would touch me, kiss me, tell me that he loved me, it just filled that void right up. That's what I miss. That's what I feel like I need.If he called me up right now and told me that he loved me and he missed me and that he'd made a huge mistake. I'm honestly not sure what I'd do. It would probably make me very happy to hear that. It would be incredibly foolish for me to give in though. Just as it was incredibly foolish for me to have started anything was a boy that young in the first place. There just isn't any other way for me to feel complete right now. I just don't know how to do it. I need a man to love me.
Replies