prayer
I said a prayer today. Just a little one, tentative, uncertain, but a prayer. Its a start. I pretty much have ongoing non-stop dialogue with God, a non-stop chatter about anything and everything. Hey I don't have an earthly husband to talk to distraction. Lol.
But in the past 2 weeks I have not talked to God much. Don't have much to say. I'm just really confused, still trying to figure out which end is up.
Am watching a Joel Osteen interview and he's speaking about purpose. It makes me chuckle. I talked to my sister who is chronically depressed. She really does not want to be here, she does not want to believe or hope or help anyone, she just wants to die.
So right now I don't want to hear it's going to be fine, so I figure we can just have a pityfest and just be miserable together. But as soon as she starts in on how worthless her life is and how she was just born to suffer, have mercy my little light switches on. Before you know it we are laughing, teasing and encouraging each other. I'm rolling my eyes and going 'Lord really! I can't just wallow in peace?'
My purpose is encouraging people and even at my lowest it just keeps coming out of me. Go figure.
I started s programme in a local high school called girlspace. It is an inner city community and these girls are the toughest discipline problem. They cuss and fight and act out, yet they are the sweetest girls. They responded so well to the programme that I've been asked to do it twice per week.
I know what I'm meant to do. I've aligned myself to it, it flows naturally from me. So why do I keep getting broadsided by life? Why do I seem to sink deeper instead of rising up? Why am I dragging myself through life shackled by cfs on one leg and depression on the other and wrapped in a cloak of failure?
Sigh .. the answers are not evident right now. So for today maybe I just go with pastor Joel's advice ...."Let God be God in your life, let Him lead you to where you're meant to be."
But in the past 2 weeks I have not talked to God much. Don't have much to say. I'm just really confused, still trying to figure out which end is up.
Am watching a Joel Osteen interview and he's speaking about purpose. It makes me chuckle. I talked to my sister who is chronically depressed. She really does not want to be here, she does not want to believe or hope or help anyone, she just wants to die.
So right now I don't want to hear it's going to be fine, so I figure we can just have a pityfest and just be miserable together. But as soon as she starts in on how worthless her life is and how she was just born to suffer, have mercy my little light switches on. Before you know it we are laughing, teasing and encouraging each other. I'm rolling my eyes and going 'Lord really! I can't just wallow in peace?'
My purpose is encouraging people and even at my lowest it just keeps coming out of me. Go figure.
I started s programme in a local high school called girlspace. It is an inner city community and these girls are the toughest discipline problem. They cuss and fight and act out, yet they are the sweetest girls. They responded so well to the programme that I've been asked to do it twice per week.
I know what I'm meant to do. I've aligned myself to it, it flows naturally from me. So why do I keep getting broadsided by life? Why do I seem to sink deeper instead of rising up? Why am I dragging myself through life shackled by cfs on one leg and depression on the other and wrapped in a cloak of failure?
Sigh .. the answers are not evident right now. So for today maybe I just go with pastor Joel's advice ...."Let God be God in your life, let Him lead you to where you're meant to be."
Replies
Yep.Sounds like good advice to me.I think just surrender to God with love and flow with the river of life . Sometimes we will enjoy the swimming and sometimes we will feel like we\'re drowning.So we just do our best no matter what that is and keep paddling.How wonderful Max that you have been invited to do this school program.Now what does that say girlfriend ?? It says that despite all your personal struggles you have valuable gifts to share.Go girl!! xo
I think it\'s wonderful what you are doing for the girls, Max. It is in you to give to others....to lead. You are following the lead. God directs us. If we listen and pay attention to our hearts, we won\'t miss His lead, and in TIME, we will find out why we are, where we are!! Ya know? I think you are following. God is giving you peace in the midst of your confusion. Keep on praying. I\'m praying for you too! xo