Angry
Dear M,
WTF??? I don't get you, not at all... Three months ago I was the love of your life, the person you wanted to be with until you died. You 'realized' you had been in love with me all along. Now you just disappear into the sunset with whatever chick you are banging. What the hell ever happened to me being your soulmate? The person you loved so much you couldn't even let them leave the house? What happened to the person I have been in love with all these years? Was he a myth, a mirage?
When we broke up back in February, I felt bad for you. It took me some time and deep acceptance that you are personality disordered to realize that you were sick. And that you had no interest in getting better. It hurt, a lot. You destroyed me. I didn't think it was possible for another person to hurt another so deeply. I thought it was a sign of weakness, a lack of character. I guess life taught me a thing or two! I had already survived one abusive relationship, so I figured I was safe from ever having another one.
You want to know what/ Now I am scared to date! I get asked out all the time, but I never say yes. I can see through people now much easier than before. I always could, but I learned to ignore my own gut intuitions because the truth is that most people are not worth getting to know. They may be fine as acquaintances, but they are not getting any closer than that.
My gut told me that there is something off with you, and I ignored for a long time until the cards started stacking up. I could no longer listen to your flowery words of love and reassurance when your actions spoke otherwise. For god's sake, you even treat your dogs horribly (whom you profess to love so much)! No wonder they run away!
I never told you this, but every time I would do a tarot reading for you, I would pull the Devil card to represent you. Every single time. I have only ever pulled it one other time and that was to represent my friend's soon-to-be- new boss. I don't even put that much stock in Tarot cards, now I am beginning to think differently.
I told you that even the most glorious loves can go black. I blamed myself for a long time for the failure of our relationship. I did a lot of things wrong. I did lie to you about certain things. I think deep inside I knew you weren't trustworthy, that anything I disclosed would be thrown back in my face. I had no idea how right I was... At least that time I did listen to my gut.
You were the one who made our love black this past summer. I didn't lie to you about anything. I never deceived you. I tried to be a good mate to you. All I requested was my own space and to move slowly. When I didn't see you when you wanted me to, I was accused of seeing other people or that other people were more important than you. I have friends who need me, who I have known waaayyy before I have known you. Of course I am going to keep seeing them... But that wasn't the crux of our problem was it?
I started to speak up for myself. To refuse to listen to you make cruel, cutting remarks. I called you on your BS and your lies. I found out you were the one cheating on me! You even gave me an STD, you bastard!!! You were the one who was abusing me, not the other way around. You were the one that turned our love black. I couldn't abide by your indomitable rules anymore. Basically, I would have no life in order to live with you as man and wife.
You expected me to go to work, come home, make dinner, have sex with you, hit repeat. There was no room for me to even go the gym, to stop by the store without calling you first... Otherwise I was accused of cheating on you.
I remember you looking through my private photos from South America and remarking how happy I seemed, that that was the 'me' you loved. Let me tell you something... I was happy in those pics because I had been away from people who cut me down and made me feel like sh8t about myself. My father, mom and you. No one was there to whisper mean things in my ear, to reject my calls or flake on me.
I never told you this, but I met somebody when I was traveling. He was nice and good to me. He never even tried to sleep with me, Do you know how good that felt just to be with someone who enjoyed my company and wasn't trying to have sex with me all the time? He even tried to see me when I came back to the states. I told him no, because you and I had reconciled.
Reading back over this, I am struck by how bitter I sound, but I am not bitter. I am angry. I am angry that you took six years of my life while you continued to play the field, always looking out for number one. I am angry that you wasted my time. I told you in the very beginning not to waste my time. You swore you wouldn't. I think back about that girl you dumped to be with me, and how she is now getting married. I wish you had given me the same chance. You just kept me strung along. When I finally moved on, you came back into my life, promising me that you had changed, but you hadn't.
You derailed months of progress, of hard-earned facing the truth about who and what you are and spun it around. I fucking hate you for this. I really do. I wish I could go back to feeling sorry for you, and seeing that you are sick, but I can't excuse your actions anymore. I never wanted to say I hated you, when all I ever did was love you. I wish I had a chance for closure to say goodbye but you have made that damn near impossible. So go ahead, brew in your hate of me, and hopefully we will never see each other again.
WTF??? I don't get you, not at all... Three months ago I was the love of your life, the person you wanted to be with until you died. You 'realized' you had been in love with me all along. Now you just disappear into the sunset with whatever chick you are banging. What the hell ever happened to me being your soulmate? The person you loved so much you couldn't even let them leave the house? What happened to the person I have been in love with all these years? Was he a myth, a mirage?
When we broke up back in February, I felt bad for you. It took me some time and deep acceptance that you are personality disordered to realize that you were sick. And that you had no interest in getting better. It hurt, a lot. You destroyed me. I didn't think it was possible for another person to hurt another so deeply. I thought it was a sign of weakness, a lack of character. I guess life taught me a thing or two! I had already survived one abusive relationship, so I figured I was safe from ever having another one.
You want to know what/ Now I am scared to date! I get asked out all the time, but I never say yes. I can see through people now much easier than before. I always could, but I learned to ignore my own gut intuitions because the truth is that most people are not worth getting to know. They may be fine as acquaintances, but they are not getting any closer than that.
My gut told me that there is something off with you, and I ignored for a long time until the cards started stacking up. I could no longer listen to your flowery words of love and reassurance when your actions spoke otherwise. For god's sake, you even treat your dogs horribly (whom you profess to love so much)! No wonder they run away!
I never told you this, but every time I would do a tarot reading for you, I would pull the Devil card to represent you. Every single time. I have only ever pulled it one other time and that was to represent my friend's soon-to-be- new boss. I don't even put that much stock in Tarot cards, now I am beginning to think differently.
I told you that even the most glorious loves can go black. I blamed myself for a long time for the failure of our relationship. I did a lot of things wrong. I did lie to you about certain things. I think deep inside I knew you weren't trustworthy, that anything I disclosed would be thrown back in my face. I had no idea how right I was... At least that time I did listen to my gut.
You were the one who made our love black this past summer. I didn't lie to you about anything. I never deceived you. I tried to be a good mate to you. All I requested was my own space and to move slowly. When I didn't see you when you wanted me to, I was accused of seeing other people or that other people were more important than you. I have friends who need me, who I have known waaayyy before I have known you. Of course I am going to keep seeing them... But that wasn't the crux of our problem was it?
I started to speak up for myself. To refuse to listen to you make cruel, cutting remarks. I called you on your BS and your lies. I found out you were the one cheating on me! You even gave me an STD, you bastard!!! You were the one who was abusing me, not the other way around. You were the one that turned our love black. I couldn't abide by your indomitable rules anymore. Basically, I would have no life in order to live with you as man and wife.
You expected me to go to work, come home, make dinner, have sex with you, hit repeat. There was no room for me to even go the gym, to stop by the store without calling you first... Otherwise I was accused of cheating on you.
I remember you looking through my private photos from South America and remarking how happy I seemed, that that was the 'me' you loved. Let me tell you something... I was happy in those pics because I had been away from people who cut me down and made me feel like sh8t about myself. My father, mom and you. No one was there to whisper mean things in my ear, to reject my calls or flake on me.
I never told you this, but I met somebody when I was traveling. He was nice and good to me. He never even tried to sleep with me, Do you know how good that felt just to be with someone who enjoyed my company and wasn't trying to have sex with me all the time? He even tried to see me when I came back to the states. I told him no, because you and I had reconciled.
Reading back over this, I am struck by how bitter I sound, but I am not bitter. I am angry. I am angry that you took six years of my life while you continued to play the field, always looking out for number one. I am angry that you wasted my time. I told you in the very beginning not to waste my time. You swore you wouldn't. I think back about that girl you dumped to be with me, and how she is now getting married. I wish you had given me the same chance. You just kept me strung along. When I finally moved on, you came back into my life, promising me that you had changed, but you hadn't.
You derailed months of progress, of hard-earned facing the truth about who and what you are and spun it around. I fucking hate you for this. I really do. I wish I could go back to feeling sorry for you, and seeing that you are sick, but I can't excuse your actions anymore. I never wanted to say I hated you, when all I ever did was love you. I wish I had a chance for closure to say goodbye but you have made that damn near impossible. So go ahead, brew in your hate of me, and hopefully we will never see each other again.
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