Sick

I have been sick for the last couple of days, and today is by far the worst day yet. I have felt so tired that I haven't had the energy to even think about my ex, or any guy, at all. It is nice. Quiet. Peaceful.
 
I feel guilty dating again, even desiring another man. It feels weird, like I am cheating. I know I am not ready for a relationship, and so I am just taking it slow. J came over yesterday, he brought over some tea and we took a walk along the beach. Later, we curled up on a bench and he held me as we watched the sun set. We just talked and got to know each other better. It felt odd being a part of a couple again, like it was wrong to be so naturally inclined towards someone. My ex and I always made a spectacle when we went out. He was so much older than me that we drew a lot of stares. It felt awkward and forced. Yesterday, I just felt like a normal part of a couple. Later in the day, we took the dog to the park to play fetch. We walked arm in arm, laughing and just enjoying each other's company. It felt so normal that it felt like I was cheating. I don't know how to explain it, but it really highlighted how off everything was in my previous relationship. The contrast... It was... Remarkable.
 
I think I am sick because my body is finally relaxing after fighting so hard to survive. I can't even sleep from hyper-vigilance. After receiving that email, a part of me keeps waiting for him to show up. I know it is just a matter of time. A couple of weeks ago, I am pretty sure he was down here. I could just sense it. I didn't return home until I was sure he was gone. I am exhausted from staying alert all the time, and I wish I could just relax.
 
I know, after that email, that is just a matter of time before he shows up on my doorstep, waiting for me to arrive home. I have to thoroughly think about how I will handle that situation.
 
I have to deal with my guilt first.