Starting Over...
Fear. Frustration. Confusion. Emptiness. I am leaving this record here for anyone who has battled with abuse of any kind. You are not alone.
l am just beginning on my journey of a life after my ex, and several other past partners that were abusive as well.
I had a rude awakening while I was vacationing with my family over Christmas. I realized my father was abusing my mother in much the same way that my ex had abused me, minus some physical abuse. It struck me that it took five years for the level of abuse to escalate to a point where anyone outside of my situation could look at our relationship and call it 'abusive' (i.e., definitive episodes where he did not try hide or justify his cruelity), and that he may eventually escalate from emotional abuse to physical abusive. I wanted out. Of my family. Of my relationship. Of these sick patterns that have twisted my life and my sister's in a legacy of pain, terror, fear and hurt. I wanted OUT!!!
Christmas night was the worst. My father, who hadn't been abusive for almost 5 years, lost it and demeaned my little sister and my mom in public. He went on a tirade calling everything they wanted to do 'stupid' and that they were 'dumb' for having such foolish ideas... I could go on, but nothing matched the venom in his voice, or the very real recoil of the people around us. I honestly cannot remember everything he said, because I began to just see white. I am very protective of my little sister, and growing up I would do anything to shelter her from the emotional and physical abuse I experienced. I would give her a flashlight and a book, and tell her to go read a story when I could tell that either my mom or dad were not emotionally stable. I decided when my sister was little that she would never experience the same abuse I did, and that I would do everything I could to make sure it was taken out on me instead.
Fast forward to current day. I am the only person in my family that my father is scared of... I guess he is afraid of karma, that I will do the same thing to him that he did to me. The truth is that I never would. I am not that cruel, and maybe that scares him even more. I do believe kindness is bewildering to abusers, as it is something they rarely experience within themselves. Anyhow, I took my mother and my sister out of the situation until my father calmed down and my mother thought it was safe to return home.
Later that night, my sister confided in me about her past relationships and instances of abuse that she had experienced. Instances that mirrored my own relationships. My sister and I were continuing a cycle of abuse, a legacy I never wanted for either one of us.
When I was little, I would dream I was barbie. I had the barbie California Dream house, a corvette, a horse, ken and a dog. My friends and I made children out of paper. I had two, a boy and a girl. Every day during summer vacation, I would rush over to my friends' houses and play Barbie. My dreams were always the same. Barbie would go to the 'office' and be a 'secretary' (because that is what women did, if they worked at all), until she met Ken, her older boss. They would fall in love, and she wwould stay home, riding horses, playing with the dog and raising her two kids. Ken was always loving and kind. That was my dreame life. Simple. Complete. And full of love.
I am glad I am not Barbie, but I want a life filled with love and happiness for myself and my sister. I realized, in a very tanigble way, that if I could break the cycle of abuse there would be hope for my sister too, and my future children. If I put an end to this cycle now, my kids would never experience abuse, and my sister might see that love doesn't have to hurt.
I know many people would think that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself, but the truth is that I am ready for the pain to stop. For me. For my sister. For every person around me that I can positively impact.
I have spent the last 5 years justifying and justifying and justifying the things my ex has done. I am sick of it!!! And I am sick of him. I am sick of men like my father. And I am sick of people saying it is okay to put down other people, to intentionally cause another pain. It is NOT OKAY. It has never been okay. It is time for me to stand up and say NO MORE!!!
And that is enough.
l am just beginning on my journey of a life after my ex, and several other past partners that were abusive as well.
I had a rude awakening while I was vacationing with my family over Christmas. I realized my father was abusing my mother in much the same way that my ex had abused me, minus some physical abuse. It struck me that it took five years for the level of abuse to escalate to a point where anyone outside of my situation could look at our relationship and call it 'abusive' (i.e., definitive episodes where he did not try hide or justify his cruelity), and that he may eventually escalate from emotional abuse to physical abusive. I wanted out. Of my family. Of my relationship. Of these sick patterns that have twisted my life and my sister's in a legacy of pain, terror, fear and hurt. I wanted OUT!!!
Christmas night was the worst. My father, who hadn't been abusive for almost 5 years, lost it and demeaned my little sister and my mom in public. He went on a tirade calling everything they wanted to do 'stupid' and that they were 'dumb' for having such foolish ideas... I could go on, but nothing matched the venom in his voice, or the very real recoil of the people around us. I honestly cannot remember everything he said, because I began to just see white. I am very protective of my little sister, and growing up I would do anything to shelter her from the emotional and physical abuse I experienced. I would give her a flashlight and a book, and tell her to go read a story when I could tell that either my mom or dad were not emotionally stable. I decided when my sister was little that she would never experience the same abuse I did, and that I would do everything I could to make sure it was taken out on me instead.
Fast forward to current day. I am the only person in my family that my father is scared of... I guess he is afraid of karma, that I will do the same thing to him that he did to me. The truth is that I never would. I am not that cruel, and maybe that scares him even more. I do believe kindness is bewildering to abusers, as it is something they rarely experience within themselves. Anyhow, I took my mother and my sister out of the situation until my father calmed down and my mother thought it was safe to return home.
Later that night, my sister confided in me about her past relationships and instances of abuse that she had experienced. Instances that mirrored my own relationships. My sister and I were continuing a cycle of abuse, a legacy I never wanted for either one of us.
When I was little, I would dream I was barbie. I had the barbie California Dream house, a corvette, a horse, ken and a dog. My friends and I made children out of paper. I had two, a boy and a girl. Every day during summer vacation, I would rush over to my friends' houses and play Barbie. My dreams were always the same. Barbie would go to the 'office' and be a 'secretary' (because that is what women did, if they worked at all), until she met Ken, her older boss. They would fall in love, and she wwould stay home, riding horses, playing with the dog and raising her two kids. Ken was always loving and kind. That was my dreame life. Simple. Complete. And full of love.
I am glad I am not Barbie, but I want a life filled with love and happiness for myself and my sister. I realized, in a very tanigble way, that if I could break the cycle of abuse there would be hope for my sister too, and my future children. If I put an end to this cycle now, my kids would never experience abuse, and my sister might see that love doesn't have to hurt.
I know many people would think that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself, but the truth is that I am ready for the pain to stop. For me. For my sister. For every person around me that I can positively impact.
I have spent the last 5 years justifying and justifying and justifying the things my ex has done. I am sick of it!!! And I am sick of him. I am sick of men like my father. And I am sick of people saying it is okay to put down other people, to intentionally cause another pain. It is NOT OKAY. It has never been okay. It is time for me to stand up and say NO MORE!!!
And that is enough.
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