Day 21
4 weeks since he broke things off and 3 weeks since I joined this group. I was doing very well till he chose to give me the book he got me for Christmas last Wednesday. That has thrown my heart into turmoil again. Since yesterday morning, I can't stop thinking about him.
I am desperately trying to put one foot in front of the other and climb out of this hole I am in. I decided to attend a singles event in the City organised by the Dating Website ladies. Managed to find another lady who lives nearby to go with. I didn't have the courage to walk in by myself. Things seem to be in limbo a bit. Still waiting on the University to confirm my enrollment. Have written this weeks blog post and have had good feedback on it. Already planning next weeks.
Have been reading up on Empaths. I believe I am one and that explains why I am so unhappy around my own family. They exude unhappiness most of the time. No light-heartedness. Just remembering how I felt attending the funeral for that boy who committed suicide and how I can't watch violent or sad movies without crying my heart out it makes a lot of sense.
With Andrew I realise now that the feeling I got of a wall around him existing the first few times we met makes perfect sense. It was only when we sat side by side and glued to each other that I could reach him. And intimate moments were so precious because he let me in. He realised he made himself vulnerable at those times and avoided doing it if at all possible. And that made me want it more because in those moments I had all of him. And I fell in love with the man I saw in those moments. But he was too closed off the rest of the time. I had only the memory to sustain me the rest of the time.
I know now why I find i soothing to sit at the beach just watching the water. Why I was with a previous boyfriend who wanted to spend all his time with me, I felt overwhelmed and like I needed some space. When I let someone into my inner circle - that is when I am most vulnerable. It means his needs are put before mine - I simply can't do it any other way.
I am desperately trying to put one foot in front of the other and climb out of this hole I am in. I decided to attend a singles event in the City organised by the Dating Website ladies. Managed to find another lady who lives nearby to go with. I didn't have the courage to walk in by myself. Things seem to be in limbo a bit. Still waiting on the University to confirm my enrollment. Have written this weeks blog post and have had good feedback on it. Already planning next weeks.
Have been reading up on Empaths. I believe I am one and that explains why I am so unhappy around my own family. They exude unhappiness most of the time. No light-heartedness. Just remembering how I felt attending the funeral for that boy who committed suicide and how I can't watch violent or sad movies without crying my heart out it makes a lot of sense.
With Andrew I realise now that the feeling I got of a wall around him existing the first few times we met makes perfect sense. It was only when we sat side by side and glued to each other that I could reach him. And intimate moments were so precious because he let me in. He realised he made himself vulnerable at those times and avoided doing it if at all possible. And that made me want it more because in those moments I had all of him. And I fell in love with the man I saw in those moments. But he was too closed off the rest of the time. I had only the memory to sustain me the rest of the time.
I know now why I find i soothing to sit at the beach just watching the water. Why I was with a previous boyfriend who wanted to spend all his time with me, I felt overwhelmed and like I needed some space. When I let someone into my inner circle - that is when I am most vulnerable. It means his needs are put before mine - I simply can't do it any other way.
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