Day 12
I survived the weekend, but lot of sadness about the breakup of my relationship. Can't even contemplate another relationship at the moment. But maybe one day. The 6 month goal is a good one. And yesterday, I decided even if he was to come back and say he made a mistake, I am going to say that I have changed and have decided to be single for 6 months and that if he wants me back, then he will have to wait out that period as a friend. Show me that he really cares and is committed to change. No physical relationship. No more visits to my house. At his house or out of home. I feel good about that decision.
Have therapy today at a later time than normal, but looking forward to it. My ex husband will drop our son back soon, so better get ready.
A lot of the sadness I felt last night was also for my son, who had got to know my boyfriend, my first steady relationship since his dad left. I had only started to hope very tentatively that we could do things as a blended family when my bf decided he wanted out. It was all because I took issue with the fact that he displayed very little physical desire for me and anything we did seemed like he was only doing it because I wanted to. I was still very much in Co-dependent mode and although I had been brave enough to bring up the issue, the next day I reconsidered and said let's take sex off the agenda and just ourselves out. I had been feeling like he cringed every time he got a text from me to say I was dropping something off at his house or invited him over to mine. And when I said that to him, he didn't deny it. Two days later, he came over and said I don't think a relationship is going to work between us. As simple as that. I tried to talk about it and finally gave him time to think about it. He withdrew totally and after a week or so, I chased him up to find he was going overseas the next day for four days. So I asked him for a decision and he said "no".
The co-dependent part of me still wonders if he would have stuck around if I hadn't piped up about his lack of desire. But we were troubled well before that, I know. I think I knew that all along. The trip of his I had invited myself along prolonged a relationship that wouldn't have gone the distance anyway.
End of the day, but things are not settled at home. My son had a bad day at school and now thinks all he deserves is to sleep on the couch. I think he is really tired. But his blue mood is a bit hard to take. I feel deeply for him and feel like ringing up his dad to ask what happened in the weekend to make him feel like that.
The rest of the day was good. I got a lot of things done and went to Therapy, came home and baked cookies while chatting to my friend in OZ who is going through some tough times. Then went to the Uni to give my last Transcript.
I told the Therapist that I wanted to stop my therapy for a while. She got a bit defensive, but I think she realised what I was saying. So one more session and then no more till some time next year if and when I need some more. I feel strongly about this, so want to stick to my guns.
Miss my ex like crazy. Maybe I will grieve for him for the rest of the month and then come back from my new year holiday all refreshed and ready to forget him.
Have therapy today at a later time than normal, but looking forward to it. My ex husband will drop our son back soon, so better get ready.
A lot of the sadness I felt last night was also for my son, who had got to know my boyfriend, my first steady relationship since his dad left. I had only started to hope very tentatively that we could do things as a blended family when my bf decided he wanted out. It was all because I took issue with the fact that he displayed very little physical desire for me and anything we did seemed like he was only doing it because I wanted to. I was still very much in Co-dependent mode and although I had been brave enough to bring up the issue, the next day I reconsidered and said let's take sex off the agenda and just ourselves out. I had been feeling like he cringed every time he got a text from me to say I was dropping something off at his house or invited him over to mine. And when I said that to him, he didn't deny it. Two days later, he came over and said I don't think a relationship is going to work between us. As simple as that. I tried to talk about it and finally gave him time to think about it. He withdrew totally and after a week or so, I chased him up to find he was going overseas the next day for four days. So I asked him for a decision and he said "no".
The co-dependent part of me still wonders if he would have stuck around if I hadn't piped up about his lack of desire. But we were troubled well before that, I know. I think I knew that all along. The trip of his I had invited myself along prolonged a relationship that wouldn't have gone the distance anyway.
End of the day, but things are not settled at home. My son had a bad day at school and now thinks all he deserves is to sleep on the couch. I think he is really tired. But his blue mood is a bit hard to take. I feel deeply for him and feel like ringing up his dad to ask what happened in the weekend to make him feel like that.
The rest of the day was good. I got a lot of things done and went to Therapy, came home and baked cookies while chatting to my friend in OZ who is going through some tough times. Then went to the Uni to give my last Transcript.
I told the Therapist that I wanted to stop my therapy for a while. She got a bit defensive, but I think she realised what I was saying. So one more session and then no more till some time next year if and when I need some more. I feel strongly about this, so want to stick to my guns.
Miss my ex like crazy. Maybe I will grieve for him for the rest of the month and then come back from my new year holiday all refreshed and ready to forget him.
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