27 days
Day 27...still counting everything from the day "it" happened until now. I have days, or just times when I think "I got this" and then the other times. I get relief from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. She was a woman of science who came to believe in life after death and has studies to back it up. I know we are supposed to take that sort of thing on Faith...but that has been shaky ground. Like something I want to believe, but deathly afraid it might not be true. She makes it true to me. Her studies, her cross-case experiments it appeals to the science in me. Science I love that can be proven. And yet...she has, as much as possible, scientific proof. It's a comfort.
I like to go to my daughters gravesite. My dogs like to go with us (me and my husband). There is so much room to run and so many new things to smell. He mostly tends to the while I fuss around her grave a few minutes then sit down and talk to her. He tries to keep Apollo from peeing on gravestones. Apollo doesn't know...he is just doing what his little Apollo mind tells him to do, but still, we are working on it. They are Pomeranians, lots of fur and they get hot very fast. They run from excitement, till they are hot and exhausted and then my dear husband sits in the truck with them with the air-conditioning on and offers them water...he watches me and waits for me. When I feel I am done, I go climb into the truck and we leave.
Nothing is finished at her grave yet. The black stone I wanted had to be purchased a distance away, but I have been promised, one week ago, that it would be ready in one month. It will be beautiful. There will be her headstone with her name, date of birth and the other date. I chose a dove for the upper left corner, hoping she had found peace. All of the stonework is black granite, but it is polished smooth and looks like marble. I will also have a slab, over her engraved with the poem I read at her graveside, "Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep" If you haven't read it, please look it up. I will have a bench, same material and color and black "coping" around the whole thing. Don't know why they call it coping, to me border would be more appropriate and self-explanatory...but still...and the space between the slab and coping will be filled with pebbles. As much as it can possibly be thought of as beautiful, it is going to be beautiful. I like to spend time there, I know I will spend more when it is completed...I think it will not look so sad, with nothing but 2 arrangements of silk floers and a St. Francis of Assissi statue I bought. I was angry at first, in the funeral home, about the silk flowers...why would anyone send silk??? I told everyone to donate to an animal rescue organization in her name, which can be any amount. If they could not afford real flowers, then why not take that money and give it to ASPCA, or PETA. She was serious about her love for animals. I am too...Anyway, now I am grateful for the silk flowers. We were able to leave them when we cleaned up all the dying flowers. It isn't much, but it shows, besides the grass free earth in a rectangular shape, that there is a person here, the earthly remains of a person. My Baby.
I guess I can admit this, after all, I have no more time for phony bullshit, no more time for being proper, I have an urge...I want to dig her up. I know I can't. Her casket is in a concrete box. Even if I made it to that point, there would be no way for me to lift the topof that thing. I want to see her face...again...not in my memories, not in my heart, her real face. I wonder how much has changed. It's almost been a month. I don't know what biological changes take place in that amount of time...No matter, not possible, just something I wanted to admit.
I was contacted today by a new friend who had a daughter commit suicide by gun, I think 3 years ago...it's so unusual, so I feel very blessed that she founf me, that maybe I can talk to her.
Thank you Moms for being here, for talking to me, for praying for me and sending me love. I am selfish right now, consumed by ny own grief, but someday I will be able to help others too...someday.
I like to go to my daughters gravesite. My dogs like to go with us (me and my husband). There is so much room to run and so many new things to smell. He mostly tends to the while I fuss around her grave a few minutes then sit down and talk to her. He tries to keep Apollo from peeing on gravestones. Apollo doesn't know...he is just doing what his little Apollo mind tells him to do, but still, we are working on it. They are Pomeranians, lots of fur and they get hot very fast. They run from excitement, till they are hot and exhausted and then my dear husband sits in the truck with them with the air-conditioning on and offers them water...he watches me and waits for me. When I feel I am done, I go climb into the truck and we leave.
Nothing is finished at her grave yet. The black stone I wanted had to be purchased a distance away, but I have been promised, one week ago, that it would be ready in one month. It will be beautiful. There will be her headstone with her name, date of birth and the other date. I chose a dove for the upper left corner, hoping she had found peace. All of the stonework is black granite, but it is polished smooth and looks like marble. I will also have a slab, over her engraved with the poem I read at her graveside, "Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep" If you haven't read it, please look it up. I will have a bench, same material and color and black "coping" around the whole thing. Don't know why they call it coping, to me border would be more appropriate and self-explanatory...but still...and the space between the slab and coping will be filled with pebbles. As much as it can possibly be thought of as beautiful, it is going to be beautiful. I like to spend time there, I know I will spend more when it is completed...I think it will not look so sad, with nothing but 2 arrangements of silk floers and a St. Francis of Assissi statue I bought. I was angry at first, in the funeral home, about the silk flowers...why would anyone send silk??? I told everyone to donate to an animal rescue organization in her name, which can be any amount. If they could not afford real flowers, then why not take that money and give it to ASPCA, or PETA. She was serious about her love for animals. I am too...Anyway, now I am grateful for the silk flowers. We were able to leave them when we cleaned up all the dying flowers. It isn't much, but it shows, besides the grass free earth in a rectangular shape, that there is a person here, the earthly remains of a person. My Baby.
I guess I can admit this, after all, I have no more time for phony bullshit, no more time for being proper, I have an urge...I want to dig her up. I know I can't. Her casket is in a concrete box. Even if I made it to that point, there would be no way for me to lift the topof that thing. I want to see her face...again...not in my memories, not in my heart, her real face. I wonder how much has changed. It's almost been a month. I don't know what biological changes take place in that amount of time...No matter, not possible, just something I wanted to admit.
I was contacted today by a new friend who had a daughter commit suicide by gun, I think 3 years ago...it's so unusual, so I feel very blessed that she founf me, that maybe I can talk to her.
Thank you Moms for being here, for talking to me, for praying for me and sending me love. I am selfish right now, consumed by ny own grief, but someday I will be able to help others too...someday.
Replies
Oh how I wish I was with you to give you a hug or just sit with you - I understand and hear you and my heart hurts with you. It has been 3 months since my daughter died but in that time it brings great comfort to know others are walking on this same path and are so helpful and loving even when they are hurting too. I\'m so glad you are here!
Today I am praying for you and giving you ((hugs)). Much love. Vicki
April was cremated. I purchased a plot and had a pink granite headstone put up with my name, date of birth, blank date, followed by My Precious Daughter, April, her birth date, her date of transition. I then added a footstone it is black as you describe, it reads \"Heart of my heart, how do I live without you. Love, Mommy\". There is a rosebud carved on the left and a cross in the upper right corner. We buried her cremains August 1 of this past summer. Father Bill, a saintly man, said the prayers and blessed the grave. I have a prepaid funeral. Instructions: they will dig up the urn (it is in a concrete vault) and put it into my arms. We will lie together, but our souls will have been reuinted. It takes great courage and stamina to walk this walk. It will not be easy. I did it, alone, no support system, two therapists and one very good psychiatrist. You can. You will.
I have read the poem \"Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep\". It is so touching. Just want you to know that you are so cared about here. We know the pain.....the missing.....the longing for. May you feel our love & support.....I hope it wraps around you & holds you tight. Caring hugs.......Vicki
These first days are so very surreal and yet real all in the same mosh pit of grief. Loss is messy isn\'t it and I know that with my son went more than half of my gray matter. I have no doubt on that one...
Allow yourself so much wiggle room to feel it all as you are and of course you want to see your beloved daughter just one more time. That urge is not unusual at all and being able to get it out here is part of the healing.
Loving care to you as you poke around in all the cracks and crevices of this path. I liken it to the spin cycle of grief... One moment a feeling, a thought and the very next moment another.
Kubler-Ross speaks to my heart and I hope that you will check out the resources page on our website. It has some very good ones that may speak to your heart.
Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
We have all \"us moms\" walked this path. We have all experienced the thoughts that only a mom like our wonderful moms here can think and understand. Know we will be here to listen and hold your hand.
Love and Hugs for strength and support, Vera
I just found out how to read your journal and of course I am crying for you for me for our precious baby's. I want to dig my Linny Mcginny up to!I know that you are past that now but I need to see her tiny face so bad. My baby is an animal lover too, I fill these horrible hours and days trying to make up to her three parrots Johnny,Gypsy and Chloe and her black cat Jinxy and her two turtles ,Rocky and Stoney.
I am SO alone. My husband was cremated last year and I always said he would be buried with me,I even have our stone placed with his name and dates and my name. But I could not let my darling go alone so he is in her arms right beside what will be my stone.
It is killing me that there is no grass.No memorial there yet but it is ordered. I tried to plant my own grass but it did not work.
I have silk flowers on her for now ,and I have to go I can't see for crying.
Can you tell me how to read about that woman that believes in life after this one? Thank you