Rambling
Rambling: out of a job since June 30th. Have had no interviews. Contacted but for one reason or another I was not interested in the job.
Apartment falling apart: things I need to contact maintenance about but dont because I dont want them to come in. Everything a mess. Looks like a Walmart, a mall, and a garbage dump collided.
A gillion things I need to be doing but I'm not. Given up. On everything. Quit taking meds. Sleeping for days on end. Dont remember when I last washed my hair--it's become a game. Told friends I was going out of town for a few days so they would stop trying to get me to come out. I give up. I'm tired of fighting it.
Three years ago, at the last family reunion we went to together, he went and was looking through the sign in book that they take to all of the reunions. Said he was seeing how many different women (wives) he'd brought. Hurt my feelings and when I said something about it, he looked at me with such hatred in his eyes. I didn't know at the time what was going on. Now, of course I do. But, all this time, I could close my eyes and see his eyes as they looked at me that day. But, I can't anymore. I can't see his eyes anymore. Why can't I still see them? It's all fading away. I don't want it to fade away. I don't understand..
I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of fighting all of this. So I don't. I stare at the walls. Or read. Or sleep.
Apartment falling apart: things I need to contact maintenance about but dont because I dont want them to come in. Everything a mess. Looks like a Walmart, a mall, and a garbage dump collided.
A gillion things I need to be doing but I'm not. Given up. On everything. Quit taking meds. Sleeping for days on end. Dont remember when I last washed my hair--it's become a game. Told friends I was going out of town for a few days so they would stop trying to get me to come out. I give up. I'm tired of fighting it.
Three years ago, at the last family reunion we went to together, he went and was looking through the sign in book that they take to all of the reunions. Said he was seeing how many different women (wives) he'd brought. Hurt my feelings and when I said something about it, he looked at me with such hatred in his eyes. I didn't know at the time what was going on. Now, of course I do. But, all this time, I could close my eyes and see his eyes as they looked at me that day. But, I can't anymore. I can't see his eyes anymore. Why can't I still see them? It's all fading away. I don't want it to fade away. I don't understand..
I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of fighting all of this. So I don't. I stare at the walls. Or read. Or sleep.
Replies
Honey, please get out. I felt the same way at the beginning. I was just going through the motions of living. One day at a time. That is all we have. You have to find the strength and hope that is buried in your soul. You can do it. Life is beautiful, surround yourself with things that will help you get out and live life the way you want to. Never mind that ex. Mine is still so angry with me for daring to get out from under his thump that he will not be in the same building, never mind the same room as me. It is their loss, not ours. Living well and happy is our best revenge. Hugs
So sorry you are going through this, you are very depressed and need to seek help. Brighter days ahead. It can\'t rain forever. Hugs.