26 July 2009

hi to all my dear friends. i havent written in for a long while. i check in often, but havent been too active.  i went into a deep dark depression. something SO hard to get out of.  ive battled, and continue to do so. its really hard. as i know it is for so many of us. today i went to a funeral, for respect for an old friend of my mom's.  after that, of course i went straight to jessy's grave.  her stone was so warm from the sun shining on it, on the cold winters day that it was.  i loved being there. i loved feeling close to jessy.  i miss her so. its now been a year and 3 months. i still go to therapy, as do the kids, but for some strange reason it seems that only NOW are all of our feelings emerging, that the reality is setting in. the kids are acting as if the trauma just happened, all crying and regressed.  even me, its almost been like disbelief. i dont know, life is so weird.  so we continue to love, to give love, receive love, to create humor and funny moments.  i play with them, and i have developed a close relationship with khaely, my 11 year old daughter, whom i feel has needed that for so long. there has however, been lots of other stresses in the family to deal with. but i continue to love my dogs, and i meant it, LOVE them.  and my garden, and dropping breadcrumbs all over the grass, then running inside, and going to the window to watch the pigeons come down from the roof, to eat the crumbs. lots of love, jan