26 July 2009

hi to all my dear friends. i havent written in for a long while. i check in often, but havent been too active.  i went into a deep dark depression. something SO hard to get out of.  ive battled, and continue to do so. its really hard. as i know it is for so many of us. today i went to a funeral, for respect for an old friend of my mom's.  after that, of course i went straight to jessy's grave.  her stone was so warm from the sun shining on it, on the cold winters day that it was.  i loved being there. i loved feeling close to jessy.  i miss her so. its now been a year and 3 months. i still go to therapy, as do the kids, but for some strange reason it seems that only NOW are all of our feelings emerging, that the reality is setting in. the kids are acting as if the trauma just happened, all crying and regressed.  even me, its almost been like disbelief. i dont know, life is so weird.  so we continue to love, to give love, receive love, to create humor and funny moments.  i play with them, and i have developed a close relationship with khaely, my 11 year old daughter, whom i feel has needed that for so long. there has however, been lots of other stresses in the family to deal with. but i continue to love my dogs, and i meant it, LOVE them.  and my garden, and dropping breadcrumbs all over the grass, then running inside, and going to the window to watch the pigeons come down from the roof, to eat the crumbs. lots of love, jan

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m so sorry to hear that you have been in such a dark place. I understand so well what you are feeling. It has been 1 year and 2 months since Frazer passed over and I have gone into a terrible slump again recently too. But you are right, we continue to live, love and breathe! Love is what keeps us going and I am pleased you are surrounded by it especially on these cold winter days. Here\'s a little more love for you from another part of the world where it is winter. Big hugs, Charlotte. xo
Robin4
Robin4

Jan, thank you for checking in even though you are in a dark spot. I\'m so happy and the kids continue to go to therapy and that your relationship with Khaely is becoming closer. It takes a long time time for the disbelief to wear off. Somedays, I still feel like I\'m dreaming. Keep on loving it all friend, the kids, the dog, the garden and even the pigeons. Life can be OK. Love to you. Robin
deleted_user
deleted_user

hi jan
its so good to hear from you, i can feel the pain in your writing but you do sound a little better. i hope that you dont feel all alone and that you have lots of people here to support you. i hope for peace for you and your family....you are in my thoughts always....lots of love...jann
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sorry to hear you have been struggling. I found the second year the hardest. Somehow the whole reality was just in your face that year. Keep on you are doing good and it will get less horrible. Love and hugs Cathy
RememberKala
RememberKala

I\'m a couple of weeks late in reading this.... I hear your pain and confusion, but I also hear you finding time...courage...to get pleasure from the little things. I think when a shock so severe as losing a child hits us, we have no choice but to shut down for a while. It\'s all just too much to absorb. Some are able to start taking it in a little sooner, some take much longer. Neither is right or wrong, it just is. I do believe no matter when we deal with it, or how we deal with it, the bottom line is we MUST deal with it. There is no escaping the grief. And the only true healing that can come, can only come after we\'ve allowed ourselves to truly mourn...deeply mourn. I don\'t think there\'s a \"last day of mourning\", but I do believe we can have days without mourning being our focus and driving force. I\'m so glad you and Khaely are building a stronger relationship. There are so many happy days ahead for the two of you to share. Enjoy the kids and all the little things in your life. And remember Jessy will always be a part of your life. Take care of you my dear friend. Hugs, Teri