I think I just had a friendship break up. It really hurts. The person was very gracious about it, fortunately, because I had inadvertently initiated it. But I could tell they felt hurt.
I know these words are just going out into the ether; that hardly anyone will see them, and almost no one will care. But as long as I'm writing just for writing's sake... I hate much of my life these days. There are wonderful thing to be grateful for. I have been so blessed in different ways. But I'm SO unhappy... so lost. I'm not grounded as well as I was before. And I'm TIRED. Tired, tired, tired, tired.
I wish I had someone to hold me. Just receive me. Give me comfort.
I wish I could let go and fall down and be received by G-d. I wish I could expand to the infinite again. Wish I could feel unending possibility like I did before.
A thought I had today: I could sculpt myself. That is to say, I could decide how I'm going to be... and then pursue that, continue to (try to) keep it up, into the future.
But... there's the "but." I'm so tired. Lonely. Feeling lost. Had enough. Had more than enough. Despair about finding a partner who I deeply, easily connect with. Despair about getting paid to do what I love. Despair about a dwindling community around me.
I'm not pessimistic... just pessimistic :-/.
Please, please... may things, somehow, change. May I come back...
May G-d show me the way, and may I have the wisdom— and strength— to follow it.