I have a problem that's not a real problem. There's a girl I know from my community who has expressed interest in having a "friends with benefits" relationship with me. We actually already have acted on this twice. We never went so far as to have sex, but we came close to it.
Now she wants to see me again.
I don't believe in giving physical intimacy to just anyone. It's a precious thing to me.
But I'm so desperate for touch— for something— that this person, who I don't even care for, appears to me as an outlet for that need.
I'm not even attracted to her... not to her body; not to her face; not to her personality. Indeed, she has said things in the past that have hurt me (I've known her for years). But my hormones force me to push that aside to assuage longings that I have trouble satisfying elsewhere.
I could easily stop this. Put an end to it and never see her under those circumstances again. We still see each around and are friendly in communal settings, and I could probably bring things gently down to that level and walk away from the problem.
BUT...
And before you say it's obvious what I should do, you should understand the "but."
Knowing, even in the back of my mind, that I at least have someone I could go to bolsters my confidence elsewhere in my life. Namely, with women. I think, and I can say (and I have), that I COULD get that— just physically— but I don't want that. I'm looking for something more.
To put it another way, having at least someone... for as awful, awful as this sounds... on reserve makes me at least feel less desperate. And I think it probably makes me seem less desperate, too.
Whereas if I had nowhere else to go, I would be back to the very situation that has been my default for almost the entirety of what seems like a long period of time now: Every woman is a possibility; every woman is a possibility.
That's SO tiring. It's depressing. It's mentally and emotionally draining.
It's what, sadly, makes me cling to this woman I'm not even attracted to and don't even like.
The second thing I know you might want to say: Just let go. Sit back. Don't be with anyone. It's better off that way for you— for the real you, inside.
Well, guess what?
I AGREE with you! That's exactly how I feel!
And guess what else? That's how I am the vast majority of the time!
And guess what else?
I'm siiiiiick and tiiiiired of waiting!!!!! Tired, tired, tired, tired... I believe strongly in patience, and I try hard to practice it. But if you believe that life ebbs and flows, that we go through periods of up and down, this way and that... mentalities and moods oscillating in waves... If you believe that life isn't black and white... that, while we may have our ideals, we try to reconcile overlapping shades of grey as best we can, and the struggle can be REALLY hard...
To that I say: Time is passing. And I'm barely getting what I want.
What I need!, scream my hormones.
But, says my heart: I have to feel well withing first.
...Then, say my hormones, you'll have nothing!
You see, I live in two worlds. Kind of like a Venn diagram, they overlap. Except unlike a Venn diagram, the two sectors are on different planes— and the common area is fuzzily defined. One moment my mind inhabits one, and another, it veers off in the space-time(-thought) continuum into the other. It dances between the two. It almost seems like Heisenberg's uncertainty principle: By looking at it— by thinking about it— you shift the position of the attention. Or, perhaps more aptly, you can't be sure of the extent of its reach; can't be sure on which plane it's residing in a given moment, because our minds aren't advanced enough to understand that many variables of a thing at once.
Feeling-belief-thought-desire-wishing-knowing is too complicated of a matrix to pinpoint, for any length of time, to one single spot in one's reality.
At least it is for me.
...So, the side that says, "It's something!! Don't let it go!" ...I hear.
And the side that says, "How dare you even CONSIDER being with her? You must leave this immediately!" ...I hear.
The side that longs, I feel.
And the side that hurts, I feel.
The thinking that knows what's "right" for me ...I get.
And the thinking that sees the "facts on the ground" of whether I'm having ANY sexually-oriented physical touch with a woman nowadays ...I get, too.
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All I can tell you right now: I wish really badly that someone would be next to me as I go through this struggle.