I keep having a recurring dream. I'm at school-- a school-- pursuing a degree. But it feels like I've gone back in time. I'm studying in a program, or at an educational level, that I've already done. I'm behind-- which is to say, old than-- other students; usually way older. In one recurring scenario, I have the chance to go to a high school and take classes. I don't have to; I could just as soon spend my days doing something else... going elsewhere. But I gravitate back to these places. I go to them of my own will, even though I know I don't fit in with the other students.
Last night, interestingly, it wasn't a high school, but a college or university. There was student housing, and I slept there among other guys (entirely guys? I'm not sure) whom I didn't know, but one who I recognized as maybe the younger brother of a kid I went to elementary school with. A girl at a table there started to talk to me, and I didn't understand her. I then noticed that she had something among her teeth, like a tube; and that this meant she had a medical condition that caused a speech impediment. At some point in the evening, I saw through the window that fireworks started to go off in the distance. But during this time, I really needed to study. I needed to put in time towards classwork that was very hard-- excruciatingly hard-- for me. I had a horrible, crippling fear that I wouldn't keep up enough with everything I needed to accomplish in order to complete my program (meaning get my degree) on time. And it terrified me to think that I'd have to put off finishing to another quarter, or semester.
Sometimes when I have this dream, of going to back to finish a course of study that I've already done in real life, I don't take the classes seriously. I consider them optional. I think: Oh, this is what I'll do today... I'll drop in on this school. Maybe a different school. And what was my schedule?
I think: Oh, well; missed that class. And those classes. Guess I just won't thrink about them.
I see in this an ambivalence between great disappointment and a laissez-faire attitude towards whether I "break through" to something: finishing the studies, getting the degree, catching up to where I want to be...
Why does this dream keep coming back?
Last night, interestingly, it wasn't a high school, but a college or university. There was student housing, and I slept there among other guys (entirely guys? I'm not sure) whom I didn't know, but one who I recognized as maybe the younger brother of a kid I went to elementary school with. A girl at a table there started to talk to me, and I didn't understand her. I then noticed that she had something among her teeth, like a tube; and that this meant she had a medical condition that caused a speech impediment. At some point in the evening, I saw through the window that fireworks started to go off in the distance. But during this time, I really needed to study. I needed to put in time towards classwork that was very hard-- excruciatingly hard-- for me. I had a horrible, crippling fear that I wouldn't keep up enough with everything I needed to accomplish in order to complete my program (meaning get my degree) on time. And it terrified me to think that I'd have to put off finishing to another quarter, or semester.
Sometimes when I have this dream, of going to back to finish a course of study that I've already done in real life, I don't take the classes seriously. I consider them optional. I think: Oh, this is what I'll do today... I'll drop in on this school. Maybe a different school. And what was my schedule?
I think: Oh, well; missed that class. And those classes. Guess I just won't thrink about them.
I see in this an ambivalence between great disappointment and a laissez-faire attitude towards whether I "break through" to something: finishing the studies, getting the degree, catching up to where I want to be...
Why does this dream keep coming back?
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