Well, I just don't have the motivation to write these days. I'm tired of fighting: Fighting to be heard; fighting to be received; fighting to find physical affection.
Who would have thought it would be so hard to be understood in life (in my life)? That you're different from so many other people? That if you don't want to put substances in your body and believe in waiting until marriage to have sex and need to feel comfortable with someone to forge a deeper connection with them and are sensitive and can't stand loud noises and dislike bars...
It used to be easier to be on my own. But now... I do feel more confident with respect to girls, and I'm trying to "find" more with them... There's more pressure. Pressure to appeal to strangers; to be desireable. But it's like I have to try so hard. I'm just tired.
Recently I went out with a girl whose personality I don't care for. But I wanted something. I kissed her...... I wanted something. But there was nothing real there. The thought of seeing her again makes me very, very uncomfortable. But I don't know how to tell her I just don't want to interact with her.
It's not that easy.
Why aren't things clearer now?
Why has my trust in.... well.... my trust.... become less strong?
Will G-d grant me peace again soon?