I waited all these years. So many difficult times waiting, knowing that it was right, because my first time would be with my life partner. Wouldn't have to worry about diseases or heartache or pregnancy (we would be honest with each other before, and we'd prepare...). It was very, very difficult to stay away from the whole issue of sex.But I did.Pushed it aside, because I knew it was right, and the waiting would be worth it. Now, I'm 31 years old.I'm ready to have sex.Not because I found my life partner. Not because I'm in love. Not because my feelings about its' needing to be special have changed.But simply because it's been too long.And I'm tired.Tired of waiting. Tired of feeling hurt. Tired of feeling like an outcast; of feeling abnormal. Tired of having a whole society, or the vast majority of it, not in line with my views on something so important. Tired of the advertisements, the stories, the...Tired of pushing aside physical urges-- in part because I don't see something in the future that would make it worthwhile :-(((.  There is almost no one who can relate to how I feel now. Almost everyone my age has had and/or is having sex. The worst part of it-- or one of them-- is that it looks like my first time will NOT be with someone for whom the experience will have the same significance.THAT really hurts.The thought just depresses me. Is this a kind of Greek tragedy? Of course I'm not Odyseus...... but consider: I waited years and years for something so much better, special, than what I would have had otherwise. And in the end... all that waiting, the moment up to which it was building...It never arrived.The dream is all but dead. It's too soon to do it, because I haven't found a fellow virgin with whom to fall in love...It's too late to do it, because I missed out on so many years. Certainly on the years when my peers were beginning to experience it. It's too soon, and it's too late. If/when I do it with someone who's been with someone else, or multiple other people :-(, I will feel so awful. If I continue to wait, I'll feel really, really, really, really pained. --- I of course have no idea what God's plan is. Maybe I was meant to be fortunate in other areas of my life: Relatively good health, traveling, etc. And this was to balance other things out? Have to get it over with.It just hurts so, so, so, so, so much.

Replies

SearchingAndWaiting
SearchingAndWaiting

One more thing: The shame, too. The shame at telling people and invariably hearing their gasps of shock in return.
I\'m sick and tired of it.

I used to think, in return: I don\'t care. I know better than you.
Now I think: So much more fun they had for so long. They were liberated; I was (metaphorically) bound up in chains.
I can NEVER reclaim the time that\'s gone.

Can never reclaim the time that\'s gone.
krystinemalave
krystinemalave

If your heart is telling you something, FOLLOW IT! If you want to hold out until you find that special woman in your life then do so. Look through the interent and try to find a website that has VIRGINS LOOKING FOR LOVE or something of the sort. Go to a dating service that can help you find what your looking for. Post a couple of ads somewhere and see who responds. This is a very important and sensitive issue for you and I feel you should take the necessary steps to fulfill that. Imagine you found what your looking for?? How happy you would be and how content you will feel knowing you have come so far and the sweet taste of victory is in the palm of your hand??

Thanks for sharing and also thanks for joining my STRONGHOLD group.
SearchingAndWaiting
SearchingAndWaiting

I really appreciate your encouragement, Krystin. Thanks.