Today

In the course of a day: I learned that a friend who is 34 years old and who always has been friendly and a good listener is a recovering alcoholic. As of just two, maybe two-and-a-half, years ago. Another friend offered to listen regarding this girl who is obsessed with me but who I've had to put out of my life for my own well-being/emotional safety. (More about this later.)  I almost couldn't work fast enough at my job. I went to a dinner party where there were a lot of nicely dressed girls. None made an effort to strike up a conversation with me. When I started talking to a small group of them, the really pretty one among them didn't have an appealing personality to me, and the one who I joked around with was not attractive to me. I came back to my place to find LOUD music blaring from upstairs. I knocked on the door, but no one came, probably because they couldn't hear my knocks. I came back down to my apartment and tried to ignore the sound. But it still bothered me, so I went upstairs again and really banged on the door this time. The guy who answered was apologetic and said he'd turn down the music, and that they were going out anyway.It was maye 20 minutes later, if not longer, before the music was turned down (or off). It happened once before that I tried to knock and they didn't hear me. And I didn't have a phone number for them. When I send them a letter asking them for their phone number for the next occurence... will this remain amicable? I watched two episodes of "24" online for the diversion and because I thought if I didn't, I'd fall into a pool of darkness and despair. This despite the fact that violence— fictional or otherwise— disturbs me. I meditated.I want to set aside time to do it every night. This has been the third night in a row that I've done it this time, the first of which I spent one hour and 27 minutes sitting— which is GREAT for me.For as wonderful as it is, though... or can be... I still feel loneliness.I hope I can find a girlfriend with whom I can meditate. Someone who can't understand that... can't understand the greater intimacy I would be seeking with her... wouldn't understand me on a deeper level. --As for that girl— the one who's become obsessed with me: If you've been following my journal postings, you know most of the following. We met randomly; we went out, and while she was attracted to me, she said she had a boyfriend; she opened up to me in a really personal way; we spent more time together, during which I tried not to cross any lines into romance, as she had a boyfriend; one night I snapped and biked over to her apartment at 1 o'clock in the morning and wound up doing some "stuff" (not having sex— but other stuff); she proclaimed her love for me, though I could not reciprocate it, something that I had tried to indicate to her since towards the beginning of our time together; I took a few weeks off from having contact with her; I got in touch again, with the hopes that her pining for me had diffused; she again got caught up in me; I again cut things off for the well-being of both of us; after a few weeks more, I sent her an e-mail hoping we could talk, just so that we could have a cordial-enough relationship so as not to be estranged from each other if we saw each other around; I tried having a "friendship" with her, which meant talking on the phone and e-mailing— including a revelation from her that she fantasized about me sexually; I didn't feel comfortable with this and hoped that she would back off; she felt confused and hurt, and I felt sick of this and trapped; and finally........ finally... after she texted me in a huff not to contact her for five years... I found that for my safety, in case she turned around again, I had no other choice but to block her e-mail address, block her from sending me text messages, and stop looking for postings from her on Craigslist.We really don't socialize in the same circles, but I do frquently pass through her neighborhood. I hope we don't cross paths for a long time. I really think that would be for the best. For any instances in which I knowingly acted in a way that would bring me meaningless pleasure and bring her pain, I am sincerely sorry. G-d has seen it.Hopefully He has understood the struggles I have faced, too. [Do I understand the struggles she goes through?.....I try to.] This being said... having lived what I've lived... having explored what I've explored and having found what I've found in life... I look at this girl and feel sorry for her. More with compassion than pity.She is depressed; she has told me as much. Her mind rambles on with extreme scenarios, which brings her emotional distress. She's in a romantic relationship that doesn't truly make her happy. She's waiting to get more extensive medical care but is subject to the bureaucracy— waiting— of that. She doesn't have any truly deep friendships. She's not close to her parents. And she's obsessed with someone who never was right for her and got tired— drained— from trying to help her.  At the same time, I am hurting from all this. Even as I gain wisdom as I get older... I still am subject to raw emotional pain.  Who will sit and put their arm around me and try to comfort me? Be there for me patiently with pure empathy and compassion?Who has that depth... and wisdom... and stamina?Who will really understand that whatever pain my actions or words may have brought up in another person, I sincerely feel sorry?