Things are intertwined. A little while ago, I posted a deep, honest message on Craigslist with what I was looking for in a girl. I didn't know what to expect by way of responses. In the end, one girl wrote to me. "Many of the traits or characteristics you said you are looking for in a person are things that really resonate with me and are very similar to how I would describe myself," she wrote. "Honestly - I don't think I could describe it any more succinctly or articulately than you already did :)" I was excited. We had an e-mail exchange back-and-forth, and she really seemed to express interest in what I was doing, where I had traveled, what I had written... At one point, I told her that I didn't have time to write her back just then but would do so later in the day. She replied, "sounds great - thanks for the note - looking forward to hearing from you later" Then I made the shift between one kind of interaction and another. There are some people to whom you send just superficial messages, and there are others (at least for me) with whom you want to make the effort to make more of a connection. You're more drawn to them and want to share more of yourself.You give it a try. So, later that day, I wrote her— from a different e-mail account— a long, detailed message about what had led me to where I am today. Doing so made me vulnerable. But I was willing to take the risk. After sending it, I was curious as to how she'd respond, and I waited for her to write me back. And waited. And waited. Maybe she just wanted to have the time to devote to a thoughtful, sincere reply with personal things about her. That message was sent over a month ago. I never heard back. --What's that you say? I could have followed up with her? See if she had gotten the message? ...Make sure it didn't go into her spam folder (as I did write from a different e-mail account)? Ah, yes. But the human condition plays a role in life... For one thing, I had experienced people not writing back to me in the past after I had written them a heartfelt message. It hurt every time. It hurt this time, too. But, I'm sad to say... I had developed more a think skin for it. If the person wasn't going to respond to something meaningful that I wrote... then F--- them!!! They can go screw themselves. Along with the bitterness was the depression I was dealing with. With respect to working, finances, relationships, writing... there were so many struggles; so many obstacles to feeling happy. I didn't have the strength, or the desire, to pursue a girl who wasn't going to reach out to me in return.No. (If my message did go into her spam folder, after I told her to expect to hear from me later that day... maybe she could have checked in with me when some time had passed?) I figured I might run into her some day at a religious function or meet her some other way. I reposted the message on Craigslist. ---Tonight, as I sat in a cafe, I saw a girl who resembled that girl from Craigslist. (I had found a few photos of her online.)No, I thought. That's not her. This girl's face is narrower. And the hair's not as poofy.But then, as she talked to her friend, I heard from their conversation a detail about her that I had seen about her online. She talked about a job she was doing that, I thought, would have interfered with her current studies. But her religion was the same as what she had said. I think it was her. While sitting there in the café, I was tempted to approach her. But......... I held off. It wasn't just that I didn't care for this girl's way of speaking.I did feel hurt... but it wasn't only that, either.It was partly that the interaction would have felt superficial.Hi. Are you so-and-so? Do you live in such-and-such neighborhood? Study at such-and-such school? You don't know me... but you do. We met through Craigslist.Did you get my last e-mail?Soooo... here we are.... Hmmm. Should we, uhh, talk some time? She would force conversation that may or may not come naturally, seeing as how I've just discovered that I'm not drawn to the way you talk? And that you seem to really be into this thing that I'm not interested in?[Also am noticing that she's not as attractive to me in person as she in her pictures.] But it's not only that. It's that: I don't woo girls.I've always wanted romance to evolve naturally from a casual encounter. I don't like the idea of officially "dating"; of scoping someone out; of trying to find common ground with this big pressure on you of: is it going to work out? how much can I bend? what quirks might she have that I don't like, and can I get past them?Got to keep the conversation going, or this forced meeting could turn awkward.Aaaaarrghghghhg!!!!!!I don't have the desire for this!I just want to be myself. I don't want to have to pretend to be inquisitive about something I'm not interested in. I don't want have to face the disappointment of learning during a date that I just... don't want to be with a person. I want to meet someone in a "natural" way. Without pressure of having to "court" her. But just meeting and talking... being relaxed... seeing where things go on their own.And then... if we do like talking to each other and want to see each other again, we can make plans to do so! I just don't have the desire to go through the official motions of dating. It just doesn't appeal to me.That's for other people (is the thought I have). I'll only reach out to someone who I'm comfortable with and drawn to. And, from both in person and online, that was not the case for the girl in the café tonight.-- So, I'm alone... still :-(. In the Darwinian sense, maybe how I am doesn't make me the "fittest" to find someone. Maybe how I am makes the number of possible matches for me relatively small, and the likelihood of disappointment... and loneliness... greater. But... I do believe I have something terrific to offer a girl.I do believe that my heart reaching out to someone can enrich the person's life.There's so much I have, and can give, that isn't... or at least maybe isn't... readily apparent on the surface. But I do have richness, and I can offer compassion and kindness and caring and love. It just so happens that I'm only drawn to people who stand out to me from the crowd. A different kind of guy looking for a different kind of girl.