Tonight, I realized a few things. They were obvious; but one of them, I didn’t want to acknolwedge.1) I need to be safe.2) I need to have a connection with myself and others. I want to know where they come from and what they’re feeling.I want to have an impact on them.3) Difficult to accept: I need control.I need control of what I experience, and so, I stay away from substances that would sway my thinking or the way I treat others. It’s important to me that my feelings and thoughts progress naturally from one moment to the next.Plus, I’m afraid of losing control to another entity: the alcohol or the drug, etc.Also, I get reaaaallllllly agitated when people joke around about drinking. “Hah, hah… I got drunk. Yeah, there’s gonna’ be mixed drinks... hah, hah!”I’m not on that bandwagon. I feel very excluded when I hear it.It’s not cool to me. It’s not funny to me. It is not a bonding point with others for me.Instead, it pushes me away.It is so hard to accept being such a minority… being different in this… in our society.Why can’t I just accept it?Why can’t I say: Who cares what other people think? I’m comfortable with myself… --I want to feel comfortable with and connected to my surroundings and the people around me.So, I stay away from bars, as they’re loud, which I’m uncomfortable with; the atmosphere revolves around drinking, which I’m not comfortable with; and girls get dressed up with an eye towards fashion and makeup, etc., and I feel threatened by their expression of their sexuality. This is tied into my past with girls and my beliefs.I want to have emotional intimacy with a girl. So, I stay away from flirtatious girls.I can’t STAND flirting.But bars are SO popular. If so many people like to go to them, and I gravitate AWAY from them— if I would rather go to a health-food store on a Saturday night (which I did) than compete for attention and endure loud noise in a bar— than there must be something wrong with me. ----On another note: This girl I went out with a couple weeks ago... I showed her pictures from a recent trip I made. There was one she said she particularly liked.I went to a photo store and got a print made. Then, when I couldn’t drop it off with her doorman late one night, because he didn’t accept anything for tenants, I mailed the photo to her.That was on Thursday. She should have gotten it by yesterday, or by today at the latest, I would think.No word from her.No e-mail or phone call to say thanks. To say that she appreciated it.No acknowledgement of my effort.Why does it have to be so hard to get the appreciation I seek? --Feel invisible. On shaky ground Lonely.So tired of struggling for REAL attention... beyond superficial exchanges with people. Why is this happening?Why is this happening?Why is my life going like this?