I'm so sad.And torn. I've given up. Don't anybody think I'm a "saint," because I'm not. Up until I was almost 30, I held out. Wouldn't think of doing something sexual (beyond making out) with a woman who's not my wife. But then... there was that one incident (see old journal entry) where I broke down to a great degree. And then (again, see old entry), I slipped again with someone else. I didn't have sex with either of them.And I won't have sex with someone else now, either. But I'm willing to do more than before. In fact, I'm willing to do things short of... everything. No; I'm not just willing.I'm looking for it. I waited for a very long time. But it does not look like I will get married any time soon. And.........  I put in a really good fight. By now, I've passed a certain point beyond which, I think, I can't go back. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE to explore sexuality. (Only with someone who wants to back, of course.)I want to have the experience.I want to have knowledge.Want to have gratification. I can't repress this anymore. I just wish the first time I... really did more... would have meaning-- the same kind of meaning-- for the other person. I may not even find that.And that really hurts. But I remained dead-set steadfast to my values for many years. Now that it looks like my dream can't be realized in time, I move on...With sadness and grief.