I feel so alone. So very, very alone. I had the conviction a long time ago (even if it didn't come to me at a single moment) that it would be right to wait until marriage to have sex. And that I would experience it with that one person, and that one person only; and she with me only. And that the experience would be... Well... shall we say, beyond words?  I thought how I felt was normal. I thought most people felt similarly. How wrong I was. Again and again and again and again, I keep finding out that my peers aren't virgins. Nor do they share my belief about waiting until marriage.Every time I learn this about someone, it's as if a knife is plunged into me. When it's a guy, I feel a disconnect from the person. When it's a girl, it means yet one more person with whom I wouldn't consider having a romantic relationship. And now, that tables have turned. And I'm caught in the other direction. Although emotionally, I still believe in waiting for marriage, physically, I think I'd be willing to do it before marriage. Physically, I have the urge. Mentally, I'm curious. Emotionally, I'm so, so, so, so, so, so jealous of those who have experienced it.And yet I can't go back in time to college; to my mid-20's, or to my late-20's.I can never reclaim what I never had but others have.  ------I feel a rage of resentment and burning envy and disgust when I find out that a girl who I wouldn't have thought would be promiscuous thinks that sex with any old boyfriend, if even needing to be in a relationship, is okay. I have wanted so badly for people to be able to relate to me. To what I believe so strongly, and to what I've felt so strongly. And that number, if even a potential number, of people keeps shrinking further and further and further. Why can't I meet girls who have said to themselves: It may be tempting, but I'm going to wait until I'm with my life partner? Then it will be special. I WON'T give in to temptation; I'm going to be strong-willed. I thought I could "call" who was who. But be they seemingly observant Jewish or seemingly observant Muslim (don't know if I've met any observant Christian people along these lines), it seems that I was just plain wrong when I thought that religious observance implied abstinance. And here I am: Now 30. Still waiting for my first time. My heart stomped on.My dream shattered.My conviction so weakened.The secureness I felt in my decision having pretty much crumbled... What hurts so badly that it makes me want to cry is that whomever I wind up experiencing it with (should it happen at some point) likely won't have waited for ME.It will be so special for me.But it won't have the same specialness for her. No... she'll have another time to think back on, if not more than one.  What was supposed to be such an intimate, amazing, memorable experience... A time when I made myself so vulnerable...WIll just be one-sided :-((. ------Oh!It hurts so much. Why do I have to be different than most people out there?Why can't I have a community of peers who feel as I do? Why do I have to be so alone?