I’m hurting.   I had it in my mind that if a girl were nice, down-to-earth, and not very attractive, and didn’t wear skimpy clothing, then she’d be saving sex for her life partner. I have a friend who kind of matches that description-- physically and with her personality. I knew she was waiting until she was married to have children. I wasn’t sure if she was waiting until marriage to have sex. Recently, she started seeing a guy. Last night, I saw them at a party, and they were making out. Tonight, I told her that if she wanted to spend time with her boyfriend, I didn’t want to bother them. She said he wasn’t her boyfriend; despite their making out last night, she didn’t feel chemistry with him in the end. She added that when he dropped her off at her building, she just gave him a quick kiss good night-- whereas, after five-some-odd dates, she “really should have” been thinking about whether to invite him upstairs. She added that, as she had a background in counseling, she feels more comfortable with her libido than most woman.   You’ve now heard me talk about my friend. And If you’ve read my previous journal entries, you’ve heard about another friend of mine, too. In the end, though, these journal entries aren’t about those friends.They’re about me. I wish so very badly that I could find more people who feel what I'm feeeling. The loneliness. The shock at what I’m discovering these days. The disappointment. I had a model in my mind about women: That a “certain kind” of girl wouldn’t think about having sex before it was with her life partner, if not marriage. I counted on this-- for my future. If I could just wait until I found such a person, then we could experience sex, that amazing experience, together. I had waited so long for her. I felt I just had to keep waiting. But now, for girl after girl who I thought would be keeping guys at bay sexually while she waited for her life partner, I’ve learned… or at least been led to believe… that I’ve just been plain wrong in assuming that.   Again, this journal entry is not about those people. I mention them as an explanation for what’s going on with me. If I keep being proved wrong, over and over, about girls who seemed like they would be virgins, then I become increasingly isolated. The more girls I meet who are more promiscuous than I thought, the less the chance that I will eventually meet someone who has waited for me. It’s that that makes me so sad. The message I get is that I’ve been stupid for waiting so many years for an amazing sexual experience with that one person. That I’ve just wasted my time! And that I’m the only one out there who’s waited. Even if that’s not the case. Even if there are a (relatively small) number of women out there who share my strong feelings about waiting, I am feeling increasingly sad and frustrated about forcing myself to wait; discouraged about finding at all the kind of girl I’m looking for; lonely in my wait; and alone with my frustration. And… I feel more now like I need to catch up. Most of my peers (at least statistically) started having sex years ago. I, on the other hand, was proud to wait. Now… I feel so alone… and left behind.   As I trace these feelings within myself down to the unmet needs behind them, I realize that there are various needs: A need for closeness with others. A need for recognition for what I’m going through. A need for a greater connection to God again (or greater spiritual fulfilment). A need for community, and camaraderie. And therin, a need for support.   Oh, to feel again the amazing joy I had felt in “giving myself” to God! What other people did or said just didn’t matter! What He wanted was paramount, and I took such joy in receiving His “love.” If I could feel that connection again, then what others-- what these girls-- do or don’t do would be just a drop in the bucket, a grain of sand in the ocean. So what about what they've done? I would be living focused on something of so much greater importance. But… I haven't been enraptured in that way for a while now. I'm hoping for it again.   As for other people: I wish I had someone to say, “Yeah! Way to go! That’s great that you’re doing what you’re doing; that’s in line with your goals… your values… and I’m cheering you on for doing so well according to what feels right to you!” That would be so great to have that from someone! Such as it is, it’s difficult enough... painful enough... to talk about my angst about sexuality these days. To open myself up to someone with these feelings and then hope that the person would NOT advise me or judge me, but rather, give me moral support… encourage me according to my needs or wishes…  Sigh... Why is that so hard to find in people these days?