I went to a party at a bar tonight. Ordinarily, I don’t like going to bars. I don’t like alcohol, I can’t stand cigarette smoke, it’s hard to hear (and talk to) people, I’m uncomfortable in a “meat market” kind of environment where people are checking each other out, and, in the end, I don’t generally make deeper connections with people in bars. But I went to this party, because I was feeling lonely and wanted to be around people. And maybe meet a girl. Who knows? After standing around for a little while, I ran into a friend of mine. She’s tall and thin, with short, dark hair. I don’t think she’s very attractive; but I do think she has a pretty smile and kind-of pretty eyes. Tonight, she had makeup on, which made her look even more alluring. She greeted me with a smile and asked how things were going. “Okay,” I think I said. This was partly a lie and partly an optimistic view of reality. I told her about my looking ahead to getting a new job in a month, after my current position ends; about looking for a new place to live; about looking to meet a girl. In essence, about how so much in my life is up in the air. This is someone I’ve known for a few years. Since the day I met her, I’ve never felt a deeper connection with her. You know… the kind where you can be yourself around the person and feel comfortable; where you feel he or she understands you without your having to explain too much; where you just connect emotionally. All this time, this girl and I have been friendly, and we see each other around; but I’ve never been drawn to her emotionally-- or by extension, romantically. I asked her how she was doing. She said things were well. As we talk, I felt conflicted. On the one hand, I felt some physical attraction to her. Over time, she’s gotten prettier in my eyes. On the other hand… being around this girl these days hurts. Sigh… I know this girl has fooled around with a handful of guys, at least. She’s told me as much. I know she’s wound up fooling around on the bed of at least one of them-- and probably more. This girl today is happy in her life, confident, and open to whatever life may bring her with guys. Whereas I, though happy deeper inside of myself… grounded in my faith in God deeper inside… am feeling depressed. Looking for emotional comfort. For a lifesaver. For a shoulder to cry on. So much fear and anguish to let out. Where will I live? Where will I work? Will I earn enough money to live on? …Will I ever meet the sensitive, genuine, empathetic, honest, sweet, smart girl I’m looking for? Someone who believes in saving herself sexually for that one right person? And… a very difficult question: Is this a good time in my life to even meet such a person? During this time when I’m need of great emotional care? During this time of confusion… of allowing myself to act on the lust that I’ve supressed for so long while I’ve waited for that special person?   As I spoke to my friend, I felt very mixed feelings. Envy: Jealous of her happiness, of her self-confidence, and of her willingness to be open to whatever she might find in whomever she may meet. Whereas I’m looking for a specific, seemingly hard-to-find set of qualities in someone. And I USED to feel more optimism in my life... Scared: Fearful for my future; of not having important needs in life fulfilled. Of not finding the love I seek. Of not finding the understanding I need. Of not having the “artistic” self-expression I so desperately want. Disappointed: I tried opening up to this girl, again, about some of the challenges I’m facing these days. And again, she did NOT respond empathically… acknowledging my feelings WITHOUT introducing her own thoughts! Rather, she said such-and-such was “good,” or told me what I needed (based on her view). For me, this created even more emotional distance between us. Insecure: This girl is open to being sexually active, at least to some degree. That conflicts with my value of sharing yourself with only one person in life. But then… I’ve already fooled around with one or two people myself (according to how you define the term). So, I’m conflicted within myself. How can I hope others my age will abstain from sexual activity when I’ve already done some stuff (though I didn’t have sexual intercourse), and when I’m maybe open to doing some more stuff (short of sexual intercourse) in the future? Perhaps more than that… how can I ask my future life partner (should God will that I find her) to wait for me if I am no longer saving myself for her? Is my view on sex now changing? The idea that it might be… that that might be part of my growth as a person these days, at age 29… really scares me. Anguish: This friend I saw tonight is a girl I’ve sort of wanted to kiss in the past. I didn’t do it in the end, because I didn’t feel a sufficient comfort level with her. And I still don’t. And yet… I have the desires I have. I want to kiss someone. I want to explore a woman’s body. I want a girl to want to kiss me. (I've kissed four girls in my life... though, to my great disappointment, I didn't feel real chemistry with any of them.) Maybe this girl would have wanted to kiss me, too. And maybe even do more than that.   Hah… I’m thinking about going beyond kissing with this girl. When I think she’s already had sex with at least one other guy. Which would mean, for me, that I’d feel even more cheapened if we got physical.Great.How does that work out?  ---- After a while, I told my friend I had to get going. We said we’d talk later on.   Sigh… I used to derive a great sense of contentment… of joy… from my faith in God. Now, I feel lost. Almost like I’m forgotten about. (Even if I’m not…) I walk along in my life these days trying to navigate very, very difficult decisions. About where to live; what work to pursue; how best to meet the kind of girl I’m looking for; WHETHER it’s even a good time to pursue that long-term relationship that I want, or whether I should… sadly… just look for a short-term relationship in which I can be physical with someone. The friend I saw tonight told me that my genuineness is my best quality. I used to feel good about this quality. I mean, GOOD. Good about serving God with it. And now… feeling a large degree of absence of Him, and even of true caring by others in my life, I’m deviating from my true values and am making choices I don’t feel good about.   When will this dark period in my life end (God willing)? When will I be able to tell people again that I’m doing “well”? When will I feel secure and really optimistic again?   ---- Let me end this post with a thought I’m grappling with, and that I might address further depth later on: For as long as I’ve been interested in girls, it’s been important for me to find someone who, like me, has waited to have sex with that one right person. This always just felt right to me. But it bothers me now that I NEED for someone else to have waited. This conflicts with my wish for respect for people. And it scares me to see in this a gravitation towards control, as my dad was a controling person when I was younger, and I’ve experienced how much being controling can hurt others. (Which I think is the basis for my growning up to eventually adopt wholeheartedly peace and “non-violence” as values by which to live.) And so… I’m exploring where that need for my partner to have waited, too, comes from. (On a practical level, of course, there are sexually-transmitted diseases to think about. If you’ve never had sex, it’s not an issue. But I’m looking here at the psychological/emotional side of this.) The answer I come up with is, well, not easy to articulate: Most-simply put, I want our coming together in a sexual “union” to bring us both to an emotional depth-- to amazing FEELINGS, and letting go-- that neither of us has ever experienced before. This is a hope I’ve clung to for so many years now. Something wants me to open up on that deepest level to a girl only if she’s never opened up on that level to any other guy before.But then… I see in that a tendency for control. Which makes me concerned.In any case, part of what brings on my sadness is the realization that, if I’m looking for a virgin around my age, the chances, percentage-wise, of meeting such a person are in the high teens, at best. (I’ve looked at statistics on this.) And as I am not Christian, and am not looking for a religiously Christian girl-- but rather, someone who is spiritual, though religiously fairly secular-- the chances are probably even lower for me.  And so… what I’ve hoped for… even counted on… for so long may, in the end, be a dream that’s never realized.