To anyone who may read this…To anyone out there who may hear me… I’ve started falling. [Red my profile first to understand what I mean.]  Recently, I went to a massage parlor. They asked me if I wanted to pay to “make love.” I asked them how much. They told me the price. I paid it. The woman undressed.We did stuff. We did NOT have sexual intercourse; but we did other stuff that was so significant for me— and that I never thought I would do before I was married. Please understand: I was SO tired of waiting. So, so, so tired of waiting and feeling frustrated and unhappy. I was stuck. I was waiting for that long-term relationship that would lead to marriage; and THEN... sexual acts. It didn’t come my way.I’m 29. I was so tired of the stygma of not having done anything sexual with a girl, and I wanted to throw that off. To that anonymous “masseuse,” who I will never see again in my life... I lost something precious. -- Then, a few days ago, I was with a friend. More an acquaintance than a friend, since I don’t actually really like her, though I see her around in my social community. In any case, it was cold out as we waited for the train. And I wanted SOMETHING. I hugged her. I unzipped my jacket and held her next to me, keeping her warm. Then, I kissed her. The next day, she invited me to come by her apartment.The following day, I did.   I told her at the beginning that I would not have sex with her. And yet… we did so much else. We did things that, again, I hadn’t ever expected to do before I was married. I thought it was clear that we would just be friends afterwards. But she felt hurt when she learned I didn’t want to date her. I knew she’d feel hurt one way or other in the end. Crash and burn. --- At this moment, my heart hurts so greatly. I’m in such deep pain. Not only have I lost something that’s so much deeper for me, important to me, than lust. Not only has a girl gotten hurt from this. But I want to cry, now, because of this: Girls who I thought were, shall we say, “nicer” girls… girls who would have waited… I’m learning here and there that they are NOT sexualy inexperienced. They DON’T share my value about waiting. They’ve “done stuff” (beyond kissing), these girls who I thought were more "innocent." A friend of mine I spoke to just now confided in me that she’s ended up in the bed of multiple guys. She says she hasn’t “always” “gone all the way.”That difference doesn’t mean much to me. I wanted to believe she was with me on this issue. One of the girls who shares my value of waiting for THE right person.It turns out she's not.Oh! The shock! It's like a knife to my chest.Oh! The disappointment! Oh, no, no...   This girl who I sort of, kind of wanted to kiss.Now, I'm drowning in sadness. Stop! I want this to stop! I want to STOP hearing that girls who are “nicer”… maybe more modest in their dress… perhaps not the best-looking… have done stuff that I haven’t yet done. Because every time I hear that I had, part of me gets stomped on, and I get increasingly isolated. Is there no one with me out there? No one who is waiting not out of religious conviction, but because sexual experience is precious?! And not something cheap, for goodness' sake!! Hearing more and more... just drives me down what feels like the wrong path for me: Trying to catch up. Because I’m so tired OF BEING ALONE!!!!!!Tonight, after this friend told me she wound up in guys’ beds… that it can be fun to fool around… this friend who I thought was pretty… after I learned that she had cheapened herself in my eyes… I wondered if there even was a God.