The Weekend

Peace is more than the absence of conflict; peace is the presence of God.
 
That is a line from this mornings devotions.  How true it is, but so hard to remember to stay in God's presence sometimes.  It seems my emotions come so quickly that I find myself in the middle of chaos before I can even blink.  It is hard to ride out the highs and low of my husband's moods without becoming numb.  If I could find a way to remain in God's presence in his peace, would there be a chance?
 
What a mixed weekend.  When I got home late from the gym on Friday night K was in a panic.  He kept invisioning me dead and thinking that I was never coming home.  He knew it wasn't rational thinking, but he couldn't stop it or the sense of dispair that resulted.  He has been battling a lot of depression recently. The meds don't seem to be working correctly.  We spent the rest of the night together catching up on our favorite shows.  Mostly, I just held him.  We did find something to laugh about for a few minutes.  That was nice.  It was good to see him smile and hear him laugh. It was good to hear me laugh.  It has been a while.
 
Saturday, I got up early and got things prepped up for the fair.  To be honest, I din't know if we'd be going or not.  Turned out to be a mixed day.  When he got up, he couldn't seem to figure out what my tone of voice was telling him and assumed I was angry so he would snap back at almost everything I said.  It was hard to stay relaxed and calm on the outside, but every sigh or slight movement had him asking what was wrong, or telling me there was no reason to be upset (even if I wasn't upset to begin with).  I debated whether or not we should even go the fair, but decided that it might help.  When we arrived, he still seemed ultra sensitive to my every little movement, but less angry.  He told me that his anxiety medicine had stopped working on the anxiety (still puts him to sleep at night) and that the idea of eating was repuslive.  It was difficult, but he did eat his sandwhich before we left the car.  As it turned out, we parked opposite of one of his former coworkers and his family.  K went over to talk with him while I held my breath.  Was this going to be a good thing or a bad thing????  The immediate result was pretty good.  K had wondered how the business was doing without him and had been wondering for a while.  This put his mind at rest and his coworker was very reassuring and understanding of K's position.  We talked at little about it on the way into the fair, but it really didn't come up much after that.  At the fair, K was really depressed.  He didn't want to take pictures of the cakes or sugar art.  Normally, he is wanting the camera all to himself.  I went ahead and took pictures b/c I know we'll enjoy looking at them later.  We did cut the fair a little short and didn't spend much time looking at the art and photo exhibits.  It started to rain as we were leaving.  I thought this would really piss him off, but he handled it well.  We were able to get the other errands run in the area before heading home.  Thankfully, those went pretty well.
 
Sunday, K slept in until noon.  When he got up, he was in a really angry mood.  Apparently, he had time to dwell on the news he had gotten the day before about his old work place and it finally pissed him off.  He sat with me for a while as I worked on my presentation.  I had one of the HGTV programs going on in the back ground.  Mistake!  All the renovations going on made him depressed to the point of tears, then mad.  I tried to be as reassuring as possible that we were doing ok finacially and that while we aren't able to getting to the renovations we'd like to do on our house as quickly as originally hoped, we'd get them done. He left the room and didn't come back the rest of the day. 
 
Wednesday we see his psych again.  K says they have a plan.  I really hope so.  Until then, and beyond, I will try to remain in God's presence and peace.