Tuesday was a turning point.  He did not let the kids go with me back home for Christmas so I didn't go.  He said he wanted a Christmas with his kids-he has never had one.  I reminded him of the times that he had kicked us out or the times we were there because of him during Christmas and it wasn't just me taking them away.  Okay-I will give him his Christmas can we go after ward?  No answer just a shrug of shoulders and an "I don't know".  Then we go deeper into the conversation.  He told me things that hurt my heart and soul.  How he thinks that I wasn't giving it my all around here.  I would do the best I knew how but he didn't think it was enough.  He says he has lost all feelings for me and it has been that way for a long time.  He said I was useless, worthless and he could care less if I leave-but the kids are not going with me.  He hasn't loved me for a long time and was sorry that I was ever in his life.  Well.....So I come in to call my Mom that we weren't coming down (I am NOT leaving my kids here with him alone).  I was sobbing, she wanted to talk to him so I go and put the phone to his ear and he hears her call him a chicken shit.  uh-oh....he hangs the phone up and get right down in my face and starts yelling at me, pushing me back not with physical force but just the force of himself.  When he backs me up into the counter I cringe and turn away while crying saying "no no no" and Ava starts screaming and running around the house.  That brings him out of it.  He goes to her and says he is sorry, he wouldn't hurt her, that it is my fault that I put the phone up to his ear and that her grandmother called him a chickenshit and it was my and my mom's fault that he blew up like that.  I called my Mom back because I know she would be worried and the first thing she says is "did he hit you?".  I am crying and telling her what is going on and the phone goes dead.  I had locked myself in the bathroom while on the phone.  I come out and he has torn the phone cords out of the phones and trying to yank them out of the wall.  He jerks the phone out of my hand and throws it by my head with enough force to break it up.  It hits the window and how that window did not break I will never know.  It takes two leaves off a plant that is sitting in front of the window, just shears them right off like they were cut.  Puts a hole in the curtain from the force of the phone hitting the curtain against the glass.  My tears dried right up.  All this time he is yelling things and I can't quite remember all the things he was saying.  Yelling about my Mom and how he was just minding his own business and how I brought the situation to him-I wonder why I seem to block those things out-the things he does I remember all to well.  Any way he wants to go shopping with the kids so he proceeds to get them ready.  Brock did not want to go with him.  He lifts him out of bed and starts taking his pj's off to get him dressed saying "come on we are going to the store" and all.  I had washed and packed things for the trip so I had the kids clothes in the bedroom with me.  He couldn't find things like socks and such for them and was making snide remarks about it implying that I was a bad parent.  He was asking them where things were.  So they leave-I fix the phone (he broke up the cordless one, it does not work at all) and I call an abuse hotline and put me in touch with local shelters.  I have to wait till Monday to call legal services center to see if I can get a temporary custody order and if I can I am out of here.  I am afraid that they will say that because I am still in the home with him that there is nothing they can do.  I found out that on the same day that he left with them to the store he went down the county to social services and spoke to some people about domestic issues.  I can't just leave with them without there being something physical that happened.  He has just as much right to them and just as much say.  I talked to a lawyer and I asked if I should at least call the police and make an incident report-he said no, that if I called and really needed them to come quickly that it could cause them to delay in coming.  So now I have to stew and wait till Monday.  I am so nervous about what the legal services will say-I am so afraid they won't help me.   I am not leaving because I couldn't go to my Mom's.....I am leaving because of his violent outbursts.  Yeah, she called him that-it gives him NO right to react that way.  His mother has talked very badly of me but she never did it to my face, using covert ways to undermine me with him and sometimes it worked.  She is dead now but her words still hurt.   I am biding my time and keep reminding myself of his words and actions.  Ava is telling me things that he says.  She goes outside with him to help (he tells her to and she is to afraid to say no) and she says he doesn't speak directly to her but his talking out loud and tells the sheep that "it is because of that bitch in the house that you all don't have any straw and shelter" and talks like that for the kids to hear.  Not talking to them directly but saying it out there just the same-I am not kidding myself-he wants them to hear it all so yeah he is talking to them direct.   Please pray for an angel to come and help me....I can't ask my family-they have enough problems of their own.  I don't know if I can do all this on my own.  I feel so alone............