I am afraid that with an encourging word that I will fall right back in his arms. I want to (sometimes) just go up and hug him or something of the sort. I am so lonely for just some plain human contact and kindness. I can't believe with all the things he says that I can still feel like that sometimes. Right when I start having some empathy for him he does say something assholey and I kick myself for having some kind and loving feelings toward him. He is perfectly content to live this way (I think). I am 44 years old and I feel like I am drying up inside. I have such passion that is being trampeled on and not wanted. I am thrilled with any attention from someone else that I think I sometimes come on as to "needy", just to much. I have to remind myself to retract, pull back, and try to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I am successful. AHHHAHAHHHAHHHAH {the screaming in my head}
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it sounds to me like even with all the problems you are having in your marriage there is still a little love in your heart for your husband . i also think your are starved for love , everyone needs to be held and told they are loved . would it help any to set down and tell him all the things that you have just written in your journal .you can\'t live without love and kindness if you do you will spend your life lonely and unhappy . if you can\'t talk to him or if he won\'t listen you are going to continue to be miserable. you are so young and pretty and you don\'t have to live like this . i hope if you do talk to him that he will listen . sometimes some men don\'t have a clue what is going on or that they are even doing anything wrong . i love you sweetie . xoxxoxxoxxoxxx
I don\'t read it that way at all - having lived through an abusive relationship - this is our pattern - it\'s why we stay - it\'s an unmet need in US and the hope that after all the years we\'ve invested, maybe there is still hope to salvage things and get what we need from THIS person.
Don\'t beat yourself up over feeling that way - it\'s natural and human - but it\'s also what keeps us trapped.
Hmm....I wish I was there for you to come and run and hide....he clearly likes chaos, and turmoil is normal for him...I hate that.....dont dry up....I see you might be acting a little needy, just a little (compared to my needy self....very) but geez you cant go without attention. Isolation is hard on you too, the more that you do it, the harder it is to leave the house. Dont let him rob your joy, I think maybe you should look into the codepency group too, because I had such a hard time letting go of my sister because she really had control over me....and love doesnt have to hurt. You are also dealing with your brother\'s situation...its very overwhelming...Take the time to study some of your concerns on the net, but overanalyzing is not good. Just listen to your gut...it never ever lies. I really do know how you feel and know how hard it is to break away from strong physical connection but he must come around and be good to you because you deserve it and you dont want your kids to grow up and act like that. Manipulation is emotional abuse. Remember I told you my ex wasnt happy until he made me cry. My ex husband wasnt happy until he made me furious and then he felt more in control...power struggles, from people who are severely mentally disorganized and in some weird way perfectionistic feel so out of control the only thing they can do is try to control other people...does that make sence, I noticed a lot of people here in California are perfectionsits....and all stressed out and controlling too....I am trying to keep my Virginia pace....I miss Virginia but not the cold ....I dont know what the future holds for me. But God is there for you, he has never forgotten about you, and loves you just as you are, lean on him for strength and understanding and the unconditional love you so desperately need will come, I know because I never got it from any man until I turned my heart towards Him. You know Im a lousy Christian, but I am trying to be better, read my bible, and behave like someone with the heart of Christ. The more I know the warmer and kinder and more love my heart feels and the more secure I get. There is nothing like it, I know you have your doubts, we all do, but I know you believe in something greater than the universe, and I can sence your sorrow from 2500 miles away...
I am here and even though its Christmas week I will call you, just gotta get our schedules PST and EST lined up..... the shelter down the street is a local call and offer free counseling and churches everywhere will be open to listening and praying with you too...you need real human compassion in person I think...
LOVE you friend, I am home for the week with the monkeys....Judy