Well, where do I start? Talking about my feelings? The almost unbearable loneliness, the stress, fear. Blaming me for the cows getting out because, number 1, I didn’t give them enough feed to keep them “happy”. Number 2, I didn’t help with getting the part of a fence back into a slot and all they had to do was push on it…my fault. My fault the electric bill is so high (160.00). He says he is going to do away with the electricity because he can’t afford it yet last year over $6,000.00 was spent on feed and hay for the cows and sheep. $400.00 plus for a pair of shears. Had to pay over $350.00 to have someone come here and shear them anyway. Thousands of dollars on fencing that is still lying out there in the field not put up. And has been for over two years. Not to mention my time of at least two hours everyday going out there to let them graze and having to baby-sit them. The stress of it all. Buying trailers, and other hay gathering equipment but on that didn’t get but one or two pieces of the equipment and the guy has stiffed you on the rest. But goes crazy over an electric bill. I (we all are) walking on pins and needles around you. You think I have been talking to the kids to turn them against you-I am saying derogatory things to them about you. I have not-don’t need to-you actions speak so much louder them my words can ever say. Ava wanted her hair cut. She picked out the style and it was ALL her ideal. You think I had something to do with that. You don’t have to deal with it though. The care it took. Washing, combing out the rats. She didn’t want that. I think she is capable of making this decision herself. You claim that you are so sick and have only six months to live? If you are so bad off why do you still have the cows? Sheep? I have been hearing about you soon to be demise for the past twenty years. If life is that bad for you I wouldn’t blame you if you just ended it all. Dying is easy. It’s the living that is hard. You are so miserable, so mad at everything and almost everybody. Your friends don’t see this side of you. You are a wonderful person around them. I get the shitty side. You claim I don’t care yet you put up this barrier that you make impossible for me to penetrate. When you are so mean to me why would I want to make an effort with you? My weight is escalating at a scary rate. I know it is stress eating and while I am eating I know why. Why can’t I even control that aspect of me? I feel worthless, lonely. People will say that it is my own fault. I came back when you had pushed me out before. I deserve everything that I get from you because I came back. I don’t have the guts to just leave on my own. Another thing I despise about myself. One of many….My inability to make connections to people and have friends. Did I mention how lonely I was? God, I just want to go in the kitchen and just eat-stuff my face to stuff the hole in my soul. I hate this self-pity also. A double edged sword. I hate my life-love my children. They are the only bright spot. My brother is so sick and my trifling problems are just that, inconsequential. I put myself back into this position. The stress! I almost broke down earlier-started hypervenalating but knew I had to get myself under control. If I start, I am afraid that I will not be able to stop. I fear when the one person that I can completely depend upon is gone. What will I have then? Oh, and I hate being forced to live in a poverty that does not have to be. He can spend money on things that he wants. My little girl wants to take martial arts lessons. His response is that we do not have the money to do it and I am to sick to go out to earn it. His next sentence is that we need to get some feed for the animals. Eight dollars a bag and you go through almost a bag a day. And I am the selfish one? I hear the derogatory comments that you make about me when you talk to others. They don’t know what you are talking about but it is loud and clear to me. I want to go home. I want to go to a house where I am loved and valued. I have so much to give.
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