Well, where do I start? Talking about my feelings? The almost unbearable loneliness, the stress, fear. Blaming me for the cows getting out because, number 1, I didn’t give them enough feed to keep them “happy”. Number 2, I didn’t help with getting the part of a fence back into a slot and all they had to do was push on it…my fault. My fault the electric bill is so high (160.00). He says he is going to do away with the electricity because he can’t afford it yet last year over $6,000.00 was spent on feed and hay for the cows and sheep. $400.00 plus for a pair of shears. Had to pay over $350.00 to have someone come here and shear them anyway. Thousands of dollars on fencing that is still lying out there in the field not put up. And has been for over two years. Not to mention my time of at least two hours everyday going out there to let them graze and having to baby-sit them. The stress of it all. Buying trailers, and other hay gathering equipment but on that didn’t get but one or two pieces of the equipment and the guy has stiffed you on the rest. But goes crazy over an electric bill. I (we all are) walking on pins and needles around you. You think I have been talking to the kids to turn them against you-I am saying derogatory things to them about you. I have not-don’t need to-you actions speak so much louder them my words can ever say. Ava wanted her hair cut. She picked out the style and it was ALL her ideal. You think I had something to do with that. You don’t have to deal with it though. The care it took. Washing, combing out the rats. She didn’t want that. I think she is capable of making this decision herself.  You claim that you are so sick and have only six months to live? If you are so bad off why do you still have the cows? Sheep? I have been hearing about you soon to be demise for the past twenty years. If life is that bad for you I wouldn’t blame you if you just ended it all. Dying is easy. It’s the living that is hard. You are so miserable, so mad at everything and almost everybody. Your friends don’t see this side of you. You are a wonderful person around them. I get the shitty side. You claim I don’t care yet you put up this barrier that you make impossible for me to penetrate. When you are so mean to me why would I want to make an effort with you? My weight is escalating at a scary rate. I know it is stress eating and while I am eating I know why. Why can’t I even control that aspect of me? I feel worthless, lonely. People will say that it is my own fault. I came back when you had pushed me out before. I deserve everything that I get from you because I came back. I don’t have the guts to just leave on my own. Another thing I despise about myself. One of many….My inability to make connections to people and have friends. Did I mention how lonely I was? God, I just want to go in the kitchen and just eat-stuff my face to stuff the hole in my soul. I hate this self-pity also. A double edged sword. I hate my life-love my children. They are the only bright spot. My brother is so sick and my trifling problems are just that, inconsequential. I put myself back into this position. The stress! I almost broke down earlier-started hypervenalating but knew I had to get myself under control. If I start, I am afraid that I will not be able to stop. I fear when the one person that I can completely depend upon is gone. What will I have then? Oh, and I hate being forced to live in a poverty that does not have to be. He can spend money on things that he wants. My little girl wants to take martial arts lessons. His response is that we do not have the money to do it and I am to sick to go out to earn it. His next sentence is that we need to get some feed for the animals. Eight dollars a bag and you go through almost a bag a day. And I am the selfish one? I hear the derogatory comments that you make about me when you talk to others. They don’t know what you are talking about but it is loud and clear to me. I want to go home. I want to go to a house where I am loved and valued. I have so much to give.

Replies

starflower
starflower

He needs to come live in my house and pay the bills for a month and then maybe he would apprecdiate an electric bill of $160. That\'s low!!!! The lowest our bill has been in 5 years is $250 and that\'s rare. We pay $300 -$650 a month for electricity. And no, we don\'t have old wiring. Our house was fully rennovated with new wiring. We have cut off everything possible and bought a new energy efficient fridge and the bill is still crazy. That\'s what happens when a cooperative has no competition and we have no choice where we buy our electricity. He needs to be thankful the light bill is so low!

My husband has been going through something like this recently. I think some of its age, but some of its the way they were raised. They don\'t know any better. You can\'t change anyone except you, so you have to decide if its worth it to stay. My heart goes out to you. Hugs, Fern
PeaceN2You
PeaceN2You

You are being abused. When you say \"I deserve everything that I get from you because I came back\" you are so wrong! No one \"deserves\" to be abused, physically, sexually, or emotionally. Having been a victim myself, I honestly believe emotional abuse is the worst kind. Bruises will heal but those voices in your head telling you that you\'re worthless are heard only by you, and they are much harder to heal. Moreover they are impossible for anyone else to see, so trying to explain the abuse causes even more stress because it\'s so difficult to articulate in a way that others will understand - kind of like fibromyalgia.

Please get out - now. Go to a shelter with your children and start over. Whatever it takes to do that is better than living with an abuser. There is nothing you can ever do that deserves this treatment - nothing. Not anything - ever - gives anyone the right to hurt you in any way.

This is his sickness - not your fault - never was - never will be.

If you ever want to talk PM me - I lived with such a person for years and the day my life started over was the day I packed a suitcase and left right after he stormed out. I had NO idea where I was going - just packed enough clothes for a couple of days, got in my car, and went to work with no clue what I was going to do at the end of the day. That will work itself out - but first you need to get out and take back your life.

That\'s the place to start - the one thing no one else can do for you. Once you take that step, others will step in to help and support you. But you have to go.
deleted_user
deleted_user

melissa , i don\'t know what to say to you . i hate to see you feeling this way , so depressed and unhappy . i have a son your age and i feel for you sweetie. i know that you are so worried about your brother and there is nothing you can do about that except pray for him and pray for him to get better , but you can do something about how miserable you are at home , leave and start over , go somewhere that you and your children can be happy .stay with family until you can decide what to do.you deserve to be loved NOT ABUSED . oxxoxoxoxox love you .
Sarahsma
Sarahsma

Melissa dear-
One reason you can\'t reach out (but I think you can, because you are doing it now!) is because how can you possibly work on your self worth when he is brow-beating you, maybe you should join the emo support group, you should go get the free counseling, and get started documenting his abuse, be specific and try to keep the comments about him to a minimal, because for one the kids will make their own decisions, teach them to simply tell the truth and when they finally do seek counseling, tell them the same thing. Tell Ava to go on facebook and write to Ashley, and tell her whats going on, she can relate, her dad would say things to her and make her feel horrible. She was afraid of him too, and I think that David and Tim are two of the same. These sociopathic people have two sided personalities. Maybe you think my friendship is too far away, but if you hold your hand out, I will take it, 2500 miles away or not. Maybe I seem to goofy, Ive been through a lot the past few years but one thing is if you have problems I can take my mind off my own. Yes, I am opinionated and maybe that is the downside, but I try to keep it real, and honest, and you are worth it.

You are beautiful inside and out. I wish I had your skin, I wish I had your legs, I wish I had your hair, I wish I had your BOOBS, I wish I had your chill factor, I wish I had your laid back sweet and gentle listening ear, I wish I had the sponge of a brain you have for reading, I wish I could sit still like you, I wish I could be more tolerant, I wish I was less high maintenance, I wish I was more horny, all these are such wonderful things, they are the perfect qualities for friendship. The only thing you could do different is show up sometimes when your friends are in need, but then again, I felt like you did everything right because I dont like high maintenance friends. Im sorry if you feel like you are not loveable. I feel lonely too, and that my dear friend is often what depression or grief is, your brother is very ill. This is normal to feel this way. Perhaps it is time to reprioritize your life instead of waiting for him to kick the bucket, imagine he will be alive another 20 years. Imagine yourself aging and with potential health problems like your brother, your heart, etc. Will he be taking care of you? Will he get you adequate medical care? Will he hold your hand and comfort you? I believe you are selling yourself short. You are a wonderful catch even with a little extra cushion doesnt make you less loveable, you are a good mom and a kind person and very intelligent and fun to be with, he is a fucking idiot. Just remember as you sit in limbo, he will never change at his age, and you must accept him or move on while you still have your good looks and sex drive...LOL..

Love you friend, let me know if I can do anything from here...go re-read those books I sent you!!!!

Heres another one....the sociopath next door....it will freak you out but make you THINK...
ZECILKL
ZECILKL

I understand how you are feeling... You are not responsible for what your husband does... you are a worthwhile person....
You can make friends. but w/the stress you are under right now and the way he treats you --you are retreating into yourself.... side effect is the stress eating...& feeling bad about yourself..
start putting yourself first.... take care of yourself and the kids....

if he blames you for something ignore him.... unless you have a very good answer like no you did that not me... as for the electric bill.. doesn\'t he live in the house too....

maybe you should make a list of the money he spends
then make a list of what you spend...
compare them... see where all the money is going.... and then you can judge for yourself that he is spending more than the household... This may give you more confidence.....

BTW why does he have all these animal... do you live on a working farm?????

Good luck.. my heart goes out to you... and the idea of getting counseling it great....

Hugs....z



Just remember keep writing in your journal... get those bad feeling out and on paper... put yourself first...
If he rants and raves about something... go into another room or go out for a walk...
This may cut a bit of your stress...
browneyestarshine
browneyestarshine

Judy you are so FUNNY. I am greatful that you are my friend!

ZECILKL, I wish it was a working farm. It is just a \"hobby\" for him-an expensive one-. He doesn\'t do anything farm wise by the book. He keeps and doesn\'t castrate the bulls so they cause A LOT of damage. They have torn up so much around here-the heat pump, gutters off the house, broke off the outside water spiget and the well ran dry. They stay in the back yard (that\'s right, back yard) so now we don\'t even have a nice place to go and cook out and all that. I hate the self pity....I do need counseling and so does he but he would never go. He would never admit to it-he is ALWAYS right. I do leave whenever he starts ranting and raving. Sometimes he follows....Thanks for taking the time to comment. I feel truly humbled by all y\'all.