My Story
Thanks to "MissingOurAngel", she was so sweet and asked for my story, I typed and typed and cried and cried last night, but I felt some relief as I laid in bed. I can't thank her enough. Here it is from beginning to end:
I am 29 years old, my boyfriend's name is Tim, he is 27 and we have been together for almost 3 years now. We are not married, he was engaged to a girl before me and he broke it off, so I don't push for marriage, cause thats the only reason he was engaged to her is because she bugged him till he gave in and I want him to want to marry me and propose on his own. But we started to talk about kids almost right away, he is such a sucker for little girls, he is so cute with my 2 nieces, so right away I prayed for a little girl.
We never used protection (which is bad) but after 2 years I never got pregnant, so I started to believe that either I had something wrong with me or him, but it got to a point where I thought this sucks but oh well we can't have kids. And like they say as soon as your ok with your situation it happens. I started my period, at least I thought I did, I was bleeding very lightly and it went on for over a month, and I was concerned so I told a co-worker about it and she said your probably pregnant, and I laughed and said "Ha I wish" Tim is a OTR Truck Driver so when he had home time, I took an at home prego test and sure enough it was positive and what's funny is I didn't believe it. I took 3 more after that, and all positive. But why was I bleeding.
I called my OBGYN's office and told her I was bleeding but 4 prego tests came back positive and she told me I was probably having a miscarriage to go to the ER right away. Yeah I know what a nice lady. So I cried all the way to the ER thinking my dreams were shot already. But after a grusome 5 hours in the ER, the worst pelvic exam ever and blood work the doc came in and said your definetly pregnant and there's nothing wrong, he said sometimes woman bleed at the beginning and he told me to take it easy for a couple days.
After that it was a normal pregnancy, I had morning sickness everyday for the first 3 months, and I was nauseous and tired all the time, but after that it was perfect. Everything was normal and she was due on June 16th.
I was suppose to meet one of the baby doctors on Thursday May 17th but he had a emergency operation so they called and rescheduled me to Monday May 21, and it was a normal appointment, her heartbeat was good, and she felt my cervix and said "oh I don't even feel her head yet, you got a ways to go". I was so anxious to meet my baby girl I was always hoping I would go kinda early.
My next appointment was Thursday May 24 (The worst day of my life) 10:15 I went in and doc came in the exam room, put the heartbeat monitor on my belly and all I heard was mine. She said "Where is this baby" and I got the worst feeling. She immediately sent me over to the hospital but the sonogram lady was too busy and said I would have to come back at 1pm. So I went back to work. I sat there and bawled and my boss came out and I told her what happened and she told me to get my butt back to the hospital and demand to get in. I went back but they wouldn't listen so I sat there till 1pm.
Tim was trying to find a local job at this time cause he wanted to be home with me and the baby. He had a drug test in a city about 45 min away. He got to the hospital almost right at 1pm and we sat there waiting. Sonogram lady didn't come and get us till almost 2pm. She said she was gonna check the fluid around the baby and her movement. She put the thing on my belly and I looked up at the screen and seen Addy's skull and spine, and then she brought up a box where the heartbeat was suppose to be, the lines were suppose to be going up and down, but it was a straight line, I knew she was gone. But I kept thinking no this don't happen, they say after 3 months your in the clear. She's not dead this is a mistake. She told me to get up to labor and delivery and they will do a stress test on the baby.
So we went up and they told me to go to a waiting room which was weird, I did a stress test when I was 6 mos along and they didnt make me wait in a waiting room. Then the nicest lady took us into a patient's room and handed me a gown and told me to put it on and then lay down, she would be back. Tim said "Is this normal?" and all i could do was shake my head no. She came back in and started filling out an admissions form. And then she asked me "Why are you here?" I was kinda irritated with that question. I said "I don't know you tell me." She said she didn't know anything but I knew she did. She asked when I last felt the baby move, and as soon as she asked that, I felt the baby pushing on my belly and I told her that, she walked up put her hand on my belly and said "No Honey, thats a contraction" What? All this time I thought those bumps sticking up were Addy's little feet poking out or her butt. I felt like such an idiot. Why didn't I know that?
About half an hour later a doctor came in with 3 ladies, one sat down on the bed and grabbed my hand and he said "We don't know why this happens but we looked at the sonogram and your baby has no heartbeat" and everyone was quiet, so I had to ask "Is she dead?" and he said yes. From then on I think I was in shock like I was watching all this happening but it wasn't happening to me. I didn't even cry. I just sat there with a million thoughts racing through my head "Oh my god I killed my baby, what did i do wrong, all those people at my baby shower bought me all that stuff and wasted their money, Tim is gonna hate me, I killed our baby!!!"
The only people left in the room were me, Tim, and the lady was still holding my hand. I looked at her and said "I have to push her out, don't I?" She said "Yes, you will have to go through normal labor, but we will keep you as comfortable as possible. Wow what a joke that was. I had text my mom earlier and told her what was going on, and now I had to make the worst phone call ever to her. She didnt even say Hello, she just said What's going on and i said "She's gone" and she said "what" and I said "she's gone" again and she said "what" and I screamed at her "My baby's dead!" and she just started bawling, and Tim could hear her and he started bawling. I still didn't cry. I feel so guilty for that now, but I guess it was just bad timing. My parents arrived in no time, and then my 2 sisters, Tim's parents came and it was so uncomfortable. My mom told my sister's to go home and kiss their children, both my sister's have 2 kids. And for the 1st time I cried. I guess it hit me, I'll never take Addyson home and kiss her. I felt like a failure laying there, this was suppose to be beautiful, this is suppose to be the happiest day of my life surrounded by the people I love but I just wanted them all to go away.
After everyone left we didn't see a doc or a nurse till 9pm and a nurse inserted this long string like thing in me with no gel, it felt like she was tearing me apart down there. It had medicine on it to thin out my cervix, and in no time contractions started. Tim sat in a chair and I laid in that bed, we held hands, and we just sat in silence for hours.
They finally moved me to labor and delivery at 2am, put an IV line in my wrist and pumped me full of liquid. The contractions kinda slowed down after that, I think I may have fallin asleep for like 10min and at 5am they started back up and they were 10 times worse, just one on top of another. I asked for something to stop the pain and the nurse told me the doc would be in at 8am so I would have to wait. 8am came and left and no doc. My mom was timing the contractions, and everytime I said here one comes, she kept saying already, nurse came in and checked me and I was only 3cm open, what? all this pain and I have 7 to go, how do women do this? About 11am the nurse pulled in a sonogram machine and said the doc wants to see if Addy is breech, in the sonogram they took the day before she was and she still was. Doc came in a bit later and said I could either have a C-section or he could reach up and turn her. Right away I voted C-section. I could not wrap my head around pushing her out and I was exhausted, I had no sleep and just went through 6-7 hours of continuous contractions right on top of each other.
I was miserable, but no physical pain could even top the pain I was feeling inside. I just wanted this nightmare to be over. For the first time they didn't waste no time, I signed papers, talked to the anestesiologist and was in the OR within minutes, I had 4 contractions while the guy was giving me the spinal shots to numb my body, but I wasn't aloud to move, cuz he could hit something, it was just terrible, I know I swore, oops, and then finally all went numb from chest all the way down, doc asked "Do you wanna see her?" I shook my head no and he said "ok I'm gonna let you sleep then" and I was out. I don't know what they gave me but it was amazing. I needed that sleep. I woke up and I looked over and my mom was crying and she said "I got to hold her, she's so beautiful" and at first I thought oh no they took her away and I do wanna see her but I was still in surgery and then I passed out again. (Oh I left out that Tim is skiddish of blood and he almost passed out while the doc was explaining the surgery, so my mom went in instead)
I woke up in recovery to a nurse shaking me and saying my name over and over, I guess my stats got low during surgery, low heart rate and low oxygen. She kept telling me to wake up and I heard her say "She's doing better now that she's waking up" I wish I hadn't. I heard the doc say, "her boyfriend is anxious to see her, can he come in" I thought that was cute, Tim came in, took my hand and the nurse asked if we wanted to do an autopsy on her, I shook my head no, I was terrified I had did something wrong, and how could I live with myself if I had, and also she said it was a couple $$grand.
In no time I was back in the patient room I started in and they brought Addy in right away and handed her to me. Tim just started bawling and I just thought she was such an angel, she was purple and the skin was missing from around her one eye and the nurse said it's cause she had passed away a couple days ago. Once again I didn't cry. Tim didn't hold her, he acted like he couldn't even look at her. And then they took her away, I wish I had her longer, all my family was in the room and they all held her. I wish I would have asked for her back when I was alone with just me, but they had already taken her to the morgue. I really didn't get intimate time with just her.
I wish alot of things, I wish I kissed her more, I wish i took a lock of her hair, I wish I had a pic taken of her without the hat on, I wish, I wish she was here with me right now and I wasn't typing this.
I am 29 years old, my boyfriend's name is Tim, he is 27 and we have been together for almost 3 years now. We are not married, he was engaged to a girl before me and he broke it off, so I don't push for marriage, cause thats the only reason he was engaged to her is because she bugged him till he gave in and I want him to want to marry me and propose on his own. But we started to talk about kids almost right away, he is such a sucker for little girls, he is so cute with my 2 nieces, so right away I prayed for a little girl.
We never used protection (which is bad) but after 2 years I never got pregnant, so I started to believe that either I had something wrong with me or him, but it got to a point where I thought this sucks but oh well we can't have kids. And like they say as soon as your ok with your situation it happens. I started my period, at least I thought I did, I was bleeding very lightly and it went on for over a month, and I was concerned so I told a co-worker about it and she said your probably pregnant, and I laughed and said "Ha I wish" Tim is a OTR Truck Driver so when he had home time, I took an at home prego test and sure enough it was positive and what's funny is I didn't believe it. I took 3 more after that, and all positive. But why was I bleeding.
I called my OBGYN's office and told her I was bleeding but 4 prego tests came back positive and she told me I was probably having a miscarriage to go to the ER right away. Yeah I know what a nice lady. So I cried all the way to the ER thinking my dreams were shot already. But after a grusome 5 hours in the ER, the worst pelvic exam ever and blood work the doc came in and said your definetly pregnant and there's nothing wrong, he said sometimes woman bleed at the beginning and he told me to take it easy for a couple days.
After that it was a normal pregnancy, I had morning sickness everyday for the first 3 months, and I was nauseous and tired all the time, but after that it was perfect. Everything was normal and she was due on June 16th.
I was suppose to meet one of the baby doctors on Thursday May 17th but he had a emergency operation so they called and rescheduled me to Monday May 21, and it was a normal appointment, her heartbeat was good, and she felt my cervix and said "oh I don't even feel her head yet, you got a ways to go". I was so anxious to meet my baby girl I was always hoping I would go kinda early.
My next appointment was Thursday May 24 (The worst day of my life) 10:15 I went in and doc came in the exam room, put the heartbeat monitor on my belly and all I heard was mine. She said "Where is this baby" and I got the worst feeling. She immediately sent me over to the hospital but the sonogram lady was too busy and said I would have to come back at 1pm. So I went back to work. I sat there and bawled and my boss came out and I told her what happened and she told me to get my butt back to the hospital and demand to get in. I went back but they wouldn't listen so I sat there till 1pm.
Tim was trying to find a local job at this time cause he wanted to be home with me and the baby. He had a drug test in a city about 45 min away. He got to the hospital almost right at 1pm and we sat there waiting. Sonogram lady didn't come and get us till almost 2pm. She said she was gonna check the fluid around the baby and her movement. She put the thing on my belly and I looked up at the screen and seen Addy's skull and spine, and then she brought up a box where the heartbeat was suppose to be, the lines were suppose to be going up and down, but it was a straight line, I knew she was gone. But I kept thinking no this don't happen, they say after 3 months your in the clear. She's not dead this is a mistake. She told me to get up to labor and delivery and they will do a stress test on the baby.
So we went up and they told me to go to a waiting room which was weird, I did a stress test when I was 6 mos along and they didnt make me wait in a waiting room. Then the nicest lady took us into a patient's room and handed me a gown and told me to put it on and then lay down, she would be back. Tim said "Is this normal?" and all i could do was shake my head no. She came back in and started filling out an admissions form. And then she asked me "Why are you here?" I was kinda irritated with that question. I said "I don't know you tell me." She said she didn't know anything but I knew she did. She asked when I last felt the baby move, and as soon as she asked that, I felt the baby pushing on my belly and I told her that, she walked up put her hand on my belly and said "No Honey, thats a contraction" What? All this time I thought those bumps sticking up were Addy's little feet poking out or her butt. I felt like such an idiot. Why didn't I know that?
About half an hour later a doctor came in with 3 ladies, one sat down on the bed and grabbed my hand and he said "We don't know why this happens but we looked at the sonogram and your baby has no heartbeat" and everyone was quiet, so I had to ask "Is she dead?" and he said yes. From then on I think I was in shock like I was watching all this happening but it wasn't happening to me. I didn't even cry. I just sat there with a million thoughts racing through my head "Oh my god I killed my baby, what did i do wrong, all those people at my baby shower bought me all that stuff and wasted their money, Tim is gonna hate me, I killed our baby!!!"
The only people left in the room were me, Tim, and the lady was still holding my hand. I looked at her and said "I have to push her out, don't I?" She said "Yes, you will have to go through normal labor, but we will keep you as comfortable as possible. Wow what a joke that was. I had text my mom earlier and told her what was going on, and now I had to make the worst phone call ever to her. She didnt even say Hello, she just said What's going on and i said "She's gone" and she said "what" and I said "she's gone" again and she said "what" and I screamed at her "My baby's dead!" and she just started bawling, and Tim could hear her and he started bawling. I still didn't cry. I feel so guilty for that now, but I guess it was just bad timing. My parents arrived in no time, and then my 2 sisters, Tim's parents came and it was so uncomfortable. My mom told my sister's to go home and kiss their children, both my sister's have 2 kids. And for the 1st time I cried. I guess it hit me, I'll never take Addyson home and kiss her. I felt like a failure laying there, this was suppose to be beautiful, this is suppose to be the happiest day of my life surrounded by the people I love but I just wanted them all to go away.
After everyone left we didn't see a doc or a nurse till 9pm and a nurse inserted this long string like thing in me with no gel, it felt like she was tearing me apart down there. It had medicine on it to thin out my cervix, and in no time contractions started. Tim sat in a chair and I laid in that bed, we held hands, and we just sat in silence for hours.
They finally moved me to labor and delivery at 2am, put an IV line in my wrist and pumped me full of liquid. The contractions kinda slowed down after that, I think I may have fallin asleep for like 10min and at 5am they started back up and they were 10 times worse, just one on top of another. I asked for something to stop the pain and the nurse told me the doc would be in at 8am so I would have to wait. 8am came and left and no doc. My mom was timing the contractions, and everytime I said here one comes, she kept saying already, nurse came in and checked me and I was only 3cm open, what? all this pain and I have 7 to go, how do women do this? About 11am the nurse pulled in a sonogram machine and said the doc wants to see if Addy is breech, in the sonogram they took the day before she was and she still was. Doc came in a bit later and said I could either have a C-section or he could reach up and turn her. Right away I voted C-section. I could not wrap my head around pushing her out and I was exhausted, I had no sleep and just went through 6-7 hours of continuous contractions right on top of each other.
I was miserable, but no physical pain could even top the pain I was feeling inside. I just wanted this nightmare to be over. For the first time they didn't waste no time, I signed papers, talked to the anestesiologist and was in the OR within minutes, I had 4 contractions while the guy was giving me the spinal shots to numb my body, but I wasn't aloud to move, cuz he could hit something, it was just terrible, I know I swore, oops, and then finally all went numb from chest all the way down, doc asked "Do you wanna see her?" I shook my head no and he said "ok I'm gonna let you sleep then" and I was out. I don't know what they gave me but it was amazing. I needed that sleep. I woke up and I looked over and my mom was crying and she said "I got to hold her, she's so beautiful" and at first I thought oh no they took her away and I do wanna see her but I was still in surgery and then I passed out again. (Oh I left out that Tim is skiddish of blood and he almost passed out while the doc was explaining the surgery, so my mom went in instead)
I woke up in recovery to a nurse shaking me and saying my name over and over, I guess my stats got low during surgery, low heart rate and low oxygen. She kept telling me to wake up and I heard her say "She's doing better now that she's waking up" I wish I hadn't. I heard the doc say, "her boyfriend is anxious to see her, can he come in" I thought that was cute, Tim came in, took my hand and the nurse asked if we wanted to do an autopsy on her, I shook my head no, I was terrified I had did something wrong, and how could I live with myself if I had, and also she said it was a couple $$grand.
In no time I was back in the patient room I started in and they brought Addy in right away and handed her to me. Tim just started bawling and I just thought she was such an angel, she was purple and the skin was missing from around her one eye and the nurse said it's cause she had passed away a couple days ago. Once again I didn't cry. Tim didn't hold her, he acted like he couldn't even look at her. And then they took her away, I wish I had her longer, all my family was in the room and they all held her. I wish I would have asked for her back when I was alone with just me, but they had already taken her to the morgue. I really didn't get intimate time with just her.
I wish alot of things, I wish I kissed her more, I wish i took a lock of her hair, I wish I had a pic taken of her without the hat on, I wish, I wish she was here with me right now and I wasn't typing this.
Replies
I am sitting here sobbing. Crying too much to even comment. My heart aches for you. Love, Katrina
How heartbreaking! Don\'t worry about not crying, sometimes we are just too shocked to let it out the tears. The tears come later at unexpected times. I wish I could hug you. Keep writing us and let us know how you are feeling.
Tight ((((hug)))),
Leda/ MomofJosh
I\'m so very, very sorry....
I lost my first baby at 5 months of pregnancy. It was devastating. That was in 1985. In 2007 I loss my 17 yo daughter in an auto accident. I know how horrible the pain is, and I\'m sorry you\'re experiencing it.
Feel all you need to feel. Express all you need to express. Slowly, painfully, and yet surely, we somehow find a way to survive.
I wish you peace and healing....day by day, moment by moment.
If interested, check out our group here, ForMomsOnly. We have the most awesome, compassionate, understanding members! I\'ve found great help and healing in being able to share with moms who \"know\".
Take care and know that you, Tim, and sweet Addy are being thought of with love~~Teri.
I am just reading this today for the first time... 1/21. Somehow I missed it and am so sorry that I did.
I will never understand why these tragic life events happen... It is so very difficult for us as mothers not to blame ourselves. It is not the natural progression of things to not have our children live long and healthy lives. I\'m so terribly sorry.
Also, reading your journal made me realize how much our hospitals need to continue to work on seeing and acting with compassionate and loving eyes. I am a hospital chaplain and this is the kind of work that I do. It is up to me to hold the sacred space for the newly bereaved and let them hold their babies and or be with their loved ones for as long as they need to. Also, the locks of hair, the footprints, pictures... all of that is not YOUR responsibility yet that of the hospital. Please do not be hard on yourself for those things that you could not possibly be thinking about as you are the one moving through the horrible tragedy of loss.
You are among loving women who understand and I hope you are feeling cared for and supported here.
My eyes have been opened once again to how I can better BE with patients and families too. None of us ever want to become hardened and numb to these events that are life changing. We always remember what was said and how we were treated. I know that I do when my son died... I had to bring in my own team of chaplains from my hospital because the hospital where my son was taken didn\'t have any... Can you believe that? A social worker met with us in the ER and took us up to the ICU and then just disappeared! It was horrible!!!
Loving care to you each and every day and I\'m here as another mother walking alongside of you. I so wish that your precious bundle, Addy, was with you in the way that you dreamed she would be.
Gentle hugs,
Joanie