Back to Work

I go back to work tomorrow after 6 weeks of being off and dreading it. Last time I was there she was still inside me and I don't wanna break down and cry in front of everyone. Tim went to bed early tonight he has to be to work at 3am. So now I am alone with nothing but my thoughts and they always turn to her. My little love bug, who I will never see again, or hold again or ever really know. All I have are those 9 months and these stretch marks and scar to remind me of her. I only had 3 weeks left till I got to see her, she was due on June 16th and the anxiety was killing me. Every date on TV I saw, like a new show coming out on July 2nd, I would always think "Oh she'll be here then" and now I see these dates and it breaks my heart. I still get this anxious feeling like I know I was excited about something coming soon and then I remember it was her but she'll never come. I don't know how to get over her. Tim don't talk to me about it so I don't dare to bring it up and I won't cry in front of him anymore, he seems like he's over it but I don't know how. Doctor told me not to get mad at him cause men grieve differently. I thought Father's Day would bother him, but he seemed fine, like he wasn't even a dad. But he is even though our daughter is sitting in a box in our living room. Sometimes I feel real guilty for burning her up, but the thought of putting her in the ground seemed worse at the time and I want her with me. Well I guess I better go relax and get ready for work tomorrow, YUCK!!