When my friends called me from the BC Children's Hospital to let us know their baby is ok, the flashbacks started. Seeing that come up on my call display started it all over again. Remembering the needles in my belly and the pink stuff lathered on my belly. Everything. the last time I saw my little boy's heartbeat. Everything is flooding back so fast that it hurts. I know it's bad to say, but it sucks that their baby is OK. They are the ones who were upset that they were prego. How come their baby got to live and our died? It's not fair. All I wanted is that little boy, but i had to kill him twice...once on the inside and once on the outside. i passed a virus onto him and then i injected him with stuff that killed him. Iknow i have my little gabby now an di should be happy, but its hard to think what "could have been" i remember i had to text message my friend that my son was going to die. she was about 6mos prego at the time and we had planned to raise our babies together. that never happened. now everytime i look at her daughter i see my son. i'm so jealous everytime i hear that someone i know has a baby or is prego...its weird....but i cant help it...its like a part of my body and mind is still stuck in vancouver in that little dark room with my son. i think its because i dont want to forget him. It also drives me nuts when people dont acknowledge my second lost baby...she (i didnt know the sex of the baby but i always thought the baby was a girl)was going to be gabby's twin. i would have had two precious girls to take care of right now. but i know she was there and nothing anybody says can change how i feel about her. and i dont want her to think that i think less of her because it wasnt for sure that she existed, because i love her just as much. Dave's friend, a girl who has EVERYTHING from babies to money, said she doesn't think that it was the same pregnancy...that she doesnt exist...it's just like her to say it too. she doesnt have to deal with the everyday pain. she has everything in life. it makes me sick when people act that way. i have been hurting so bad lately.....i want to go stay in that hospital for the rest of my life...just sit in that room where my baby was and stay there...never leave.