day 27

Day off! So much to do. There is laundry and cleaning that is awaiting me but hey, it can wait! I need a little rest. I slept in today which felt great! then I came up here to the computer and searched for deals on scrubs, it took me like an hour to finally decide on what I wanted but I got some, plus this super cute nursing bag, I splurged on it, I hardly ever do that, but I really wanted it, $40 so it better really be ultimate! ha ha sooo much to do, but I enjoy having things to do, it really keeps me in a better mood, yesterday as I was driving to my boyfriends house, I was thinking, not bad thinking, just thinking and I felt something I haven't in a long while, CONTENT. I felt really good, like really happy. Like I was OK. I didn't have negative thoughts, I didn't get scared, I didn't doubt myself, I was fine. It has been a long time since I could say that. It feels like for the past year, everything was caving in, every little thing, everyday bothered me, but yesterday I felt none of that. I was fine. I couldn't conjure up a negative thought if I tried. It was the best feeling. I really haven't felt this good in I can't even remember. Really things are on the up and up. My sister in law is about to pop, and I get to be there for the birth, I am FINALLY able to practice nursing, its almost my birthday and IDK everything is good. Before I would be saying something will ruin it, but right now I am not thinking like that. I am just enjoying it. It may not last forever but I don't care, I love this feeling. I am going to therapy this afternoon, and am looking forward to it, I kinda been slacking on my work for her too, I haven't had time. HA there is that time again. I should be doing what I am doing right? I have been working my bum off at work and spending my little free time I do get with my loved ones and working on my forgiveness. So I hope she doesn't get too mad. I should work on some papers for her before I go. I also haven't been reminiscening as much or daydreaming about what ifs. I have been looking toward the future and staying in the present, it has been a long while since I could say I have done that too. Usually I think about what I could have changed in my past and how it hurt my present and future, but I am realizing its not health for me to do this. I can't turn back time. I can only do what I can now and in the future. My accident wasn't the only mistake I have made in my life, it is the biggest I must admit but I did stupid other things too, that haunt me as well. I have been reluctant to tell anyone about some of the other regrets I have. I feel as though they are also punishments from the things that I did. I feel that everything I have ever done wrong I have been punished for. Even the little things. I know its crazy but I remember everything. I have a weird memory. I can remember things on command, so if I feel like remembering good things I can, or bad its so strange anyhow I remember so much stuff in my little brain that most people don't pay mind to. It really feeds to my anxiety and fears. And doesn't help with my recovery. But during the accident and other times in my life when I had a concussion I couldn't think clear so my mind couldn't process everything so during those times I couldn't remember everything. I really don't remember much about the accident itself, it was like a dream, or a movie. One of the things in my workbook is doing a VCR technique which you recall events and play them, slow them down and so forth. I tried this and I was pretty good at it. I tried with the accident but things were out of order and there were chunks of time that there wasn't anything. But I think it helped. It is so strange the effects of one moment in time can have on you. Those however many seconds it took changed the rest of my life. Those few moments in time have become years of thoughts in my brain. But to others those seconds go unnoticed. And while I am feeling good for these moments of these days (the last few days) others maybe having the opposite. And those moments to them will forever haunt them. IDK life is crazy, perception is key they say, who are "they" anyways. How I see it is this, I no longer want to live my life fretting over my mistake I want to embrace life. I want to carry on and stop focusing on the negative. I feel I am doing this now, I am actually embracing life, not just hoping one day I will be able to. I am doing it, here and now.