Day 15

Decisions, decisions, decisions. During my second psychic reading the lady said that I will be faced with many decisions in my future. Well the time has come. Last Night during orientation my head was spinning. The teacher was talking, I am writing, she is talking more I am thinking more. IDK it made my head hurt from all the talking she did. Two and a half hours of non-stop talking and I changed my mind a million times. Do I do full-time or part-time, do I take classes now, or online, do I call this person or that person, or e-mail? It was constant. I have changed my mind again and this is the final decision. I am going to do part-time, it will take me Two years, four semesters but I will have more time to focus on school. There is that precious time again. This way I will be able to take the two extra classes that I need to, with out completely overloading myself. I will be able to get a nursing job in November 2013 then be graduating in May 2014 so I will have six months of working before I am a BSN. I think this is right IDK I am going with my gut on this one. I feel like I'd be overwhelmed if I did full-time and try to work. I was overwhelmed just going to orientation last night. All the stuff she talked about, and she kept saying how life gets in the way for a lot of students. Well, Hello. There is my problem. If I didn't work and didn't have so many other things I may be able to do Full-time but I don't want to set myself up to fail. I hate failing. I almost failed out of Nursing school once. I couldn't focus there for a little while I lost sight of my goals and almost did, it was horrible I cried for weeks about it but it all worked out in the end. But still I hate failing. I hate letting myself down. I did hugely obviously. And look at that I still am having trouble coping with it. If I failed out of the BSN program I'd lose it. I don't think that I will but you never know. I am not usually this pessimistic but I just can't stop worrying. I don't wanna make the wrong decision. I feel like I am making the right decision for me. I am neurotic to say the least when it comes to learning and that. I can study like a champ. I am good at school. I am always in class, always taking notes, always thinking, always learning. I love reading. Especially about medical things. It really gets my gears turning. But so today went good at work. Nothing too fantastic. Just work. Its money though. That's another thing. MONEY. I am supposed to be getting a loan for school, but haven't heard anything back from the financial aide office. It should be fine though, I have til August anyways its just another worry on my mind though. I never used to worry about money, well frankly because I didn't have any. But last year I got a loan for my last semester thinking I'll get a job when I am done with school I can pay it off in no time. WELL, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. So now I am stuck with this loan I can't pay back and I have to take on more debt. WELCOME TO LIFE, huh. Yeah yeah I know but I don't like owing people money. So for now I am deferring what I can and just praying that I get a job when I am done this time. Oh how much I worry about that. The one day I said, "I am never going to get a job no matter how much school I do." It was a pessimistic day kinda like today, but it was something I felt. IDK I don't think that will happen but it would crush me if it did. I 'd be lost. Thousands in debt, with all this nursing knowledge but no one to take care of because no one will hire me because of what I did, huh that's kinda where I am now.  In limbo.