Day 11

I wasn't home long enough yesterday to sit down and write It was my first Saturday off, well my first weekend off I am off today too! I spent the whole day with my boyfriend. Let me start at the beginning. I woke from weird dreams I had, I don't remember most but a few stood out when I woke up. Nothing bad, just strange. I kept thinking as I was tossing and turning before actually getting up about the accident and the nuns and the man. But I didn't let it consume my morning. I got up and got ready and thought hey. I should get my haircut today. It needed it. So we planned to go get my hair done, and do some shopping. We had a good early afternoon, shopping and that. It was fun. OH, how I need fun in my life. We decided on Chinese food for lunch. I ate way too much of course lol then we got fortune cookies. Mine read. " You what is right, not what you should." All I said to my boyfriend was, "I know what it means." Because usually we analyze them and joke about them after but to me this one was talking about forgiveness.  I have know it is right. I know I need to forgive myself, I have been hearing this for quite some time now especially from myself. I just can't. IDK why but I haven't hit that place yet. My mom asked me the other day when talking to me about the interview straight out, "Do you forgive yourself?" and I answered truthfully because I have nothing to hide. "NO" I haven't yet. She said how do you expect others to forgive and understand if you can't do that yourself, Good question. IDK. How can I? I know it fuels my insecurities about telling people because I always make up in my head what their reactions would be even before I get the words out. I shouldn't just forgive myself because it's another thing on the list. But because it is right. After lunch we did more errands and then went back to his house and took his show car out for a ride. It was the first time I was in it on the road and was nervous as hell! It went smoother than I thought only a few moments of thinking I was gonna die. In those moments I thought well today I got my hair cut and I dyed it not that long ago so it will look nice when I am layed out. And this thing is so small I don't have any chance of just getting paralyzed, I am just gonna die, I hope its quick and painless. But I didn't die, we didn't even come close. But those thoughts still crossed my mind, I told him too. He just laughed and said I got you babe. It is so small, all fiberglass and running on a motorcycle engine. Yeah its a death machine. But on the good side its bright red and loud as hell so you can't miss it. It is his love. Its kinda funny I am petrified to drive a car and I am dating a car guy. He loves cars, driving them fixing them painting them. Thats what he does for a living hes an auto body tech. and mechanic. I guess its a good thing, he makes me drive and hes really helped me with my phobias about driving. He makes me feel safe and he helps me carry my baggage. He doesn't really have any of his own. He is put together, strong as steel and loves me unconditionally. I think people come in to your life at the exact time they are meant to. Had I have met him years ago I probably wouldn't have liked him he used to party and such like I did so we might have been friends but now we're perfect for each other. The same age. The same dreams. The same motivation. I think I will marry him someday. I really do. Some days I have doubts but deep in my heart I could see myself with him for the rest of my life.